Main Site Journey in Being
1.
For some time, I have been feeling: I may have had
issues with depression all my life
I
have been thinking of doing something about this, vaguely, for a number of
years but concretely for over a year.
A problem with reaction to loss
and to criticism
Coping – a problem; or, too much
coping energy going into “just coping”
Lack of affection in my life
[despite a relationship that began last January]
Is
the fraction of enjoyment in my life enough? Intimacy?
Why am I where I am?
Relationship; career/work
“Abandonment” is sheer terror.
[Cope better now but this used to be the case]
Waiting for other people to
“catch up” – what is that about? This point is not in the original.
Tendency to feel put down,
abused; and some tendency to allow abuse. I sometimes act as though others know
what I’m feeling – and this affects my self-image and behavior adversely.
Drink too much – social
situations, thrill seeking. This is not an out of control thing; but why do I
“need” to do it in social situations. My “mood” and behavior is too much
affected by what I think others think of me; I easily feel criticized and when
that happens I think everyone knows how I’m feeling and is feeling critical of
me.
Mild – moderate problems with
authority. Especially when it seems unnecessary or not competent. That’s not
all bad.
Problem with time. Run late
regardless of whether it’s with or without others.
I feel I am the tiger that has
not roared. Story. In other words, something is blocking what I think of as my
potential. In some ways this is not as bad as it may seem; I have taken risk
and done much that I wanted to – but perhaps not the right or real risk and
perhaps not enough; there are still blocks and fears. I am living in a space of dimension n-1; that is not
altogether a bad thing: it is better to live in real n-1 than fake “n” – in my
way of thinking. But I want real “n”.
2.
The last few years
In 1992 I faced life with great
confidence, felt I could handle anything. Not so now.
Diminishing enjoyment of a
variety of things since 1996.
Less energy. Less exercise.
Mild alteration in sleep… usually
wake up 1 – 3 times, less refreshing. I wonder if this is related to some
generalized low level issues.
No problem eating except
sometimes “excess”.
Less in the area of sex.
Virility, pleasure, passion and level of pleasure, maintaining erections. I’m
not sure all of this is due to getting older.
Coping getting worse.
Some floundering in my life. I
might be floundering even more than I think I am.
2001 Problems in primary relationship.
I still enjoy it for what it is but there are difficulties and its stressful at
times. But there’s hope.
Summary. I think there has been
an insidious process going on since 1996. This is the point at which I made
this appointment.
3.
The last few weeks
End of my most recent
relationship. I “knew” it was coming. She announced it but my behavior had
changed probably because, despite much loveliness, I knew at some level it was
not working. Regardless, a shock. And, 7/16/2001, she says she has a “crush” on
[] – a common friend and coworker. I’m crushed. Oh shit. Just last week she
said she loved me very much, wanted to love that way for a very long time –
despite reality, despite what reason says: in my heart there is [was] hope…
Exacerbation of points in “The
last few years”, above.
More floundering.
Anxiety. Not completely unable to
cope. In the evenings I’m afraid that she’ll want to try again; in the mornings
I’m afraid she will not. Mixed with realism and hope.
Sleep. Additional disturbance
from worry.
Eating.
No really noticeable change lasting more than half a day.
Something about me
b.
India, 1947. Father Indian achiever, mother British laid back loving. Some
family background of depression, uncle suicide, mother somatic. Family life:
education emphasized; dad very harsh and critical especially with me; America
1970. Ph. D. engineering, 1978; married x 2, the second time for a month;
taught at a number of universities; not great at relationships – look at the
facts; currently work as mental health worker x 10 years at Sempervirens; this
allows me to do what I want to do but the total situation has needed to change
for a while – one area of coping; v. good analytical ability – outstanding
academically through grad. School; primary current enjoyment: my project in
“being” esp. human being and possibility http://www.horizons-2000.org,
“nature” – backpacking, and until recently, my girl friend.
Etc.
Exercise,
especially aerobic – running
Allegra
D, albuterol, Serevent, Azmacort, Singulair