The World of Feeling

Sessions of August 3 and August 15, 2001; Written August 17, 2001

When I write as though ideas are mine it is that they are mine in the way that I understand and begin to internalize them.

[Document Status]

This document is no longer needed for the Journey in Being but is maintained out of interest and because it is a part of my experience

The main idea: A wholesome world of feeling

My reactions to situations are governed by patterns of feeling developed and modeled over my life, primarily with / by my parents. This includes the initial feeling of inadequacy, omnipresent – let us call it so for purposes of argument though in truth my emotional bearing is bi-modal but somewhat unstable; the escalating interaction of the initial feeling, of self-criticism and physical and emotional avoidance; of being shut down; of recovery in solitude, attempting to understand, and various behaviors that are “rewarding” these include sex, nature, athletic, intellectual pursuit, and solace from select persons. Alcohol [primarily] is a preventative measure, not a reward.

An approach to lifting this oppression is to experience the feeling in the situation – and to hang with [not onto] the feeling itself but not all the [learned] secondary aspects. Observe it and be there. By cultivating awareness of the emotional flow [which goes the full cycle before I know it] hang with the first feeling but not get into the cycle – initially, success will be partial; initially the process will be somewhat opaque – where am I going with this. Where I am going, to begin with, is that living with the feeling will not be so bad, my experience of actual situations will be better. There will be two results that I am learning. The first result is a cultivation and connection with a more wholesome system of feeling. Even the primary feeling is learned and is only superficially primary; by going with it, observation of the hidden dynamics begins. Second, freeing up of a lot of frozen energy, better action and performance in social and other situations – especially improving rather than disintegrating relationships of all kinds; and better understanding of and action toward my various goals. I am characterizing myself as rather negative; it is that I am focusing on the negative aspects and wanting to assume the role of “pupil” in this regard. There is a journey ahead.

August 16, 2001

Today something clicked. Little successes bring more success. Bring improved understanding of what it is that I am doing. It is like being able to see after being blind; after gaining vision it is still going to take time to learn to see. I am seeing the applicability of the idea everywhere. Just as my negative reaction is omnipresent, the potential for freedom appears also to be everywhere. I am beginning to notice thoughts, feelings [cascading] that I did not know I had.

Here is a catalog of some situations where avoiding the negative cycle actually made change. Shutting down/avoiding in social interactions. ¨ I’m tired so feel not up to a task and my feeling of inadequacy interacts with the tiredness to make my response less than it would be if just tired. ¨ Meeting people. ¨ Taking initiative. ¨ Remembering to engage, to be present to myself so as to not enter the negative cycle. ¨ I was beginning to find the response itself very present and automatic. Then I had a fear: if I get too good at this I will not want to struggle at things that have meant so much for me – love as I experience it and my project in being. I was present enough to remind myself that this fear was [in addition to being fear of the loss of secondary gain] re-entry into the negative cycle. ¨ I made a suggestion to a friend, which amounted to stemming the negative escalation. ¨ My bearing toward the challenging aspects of my life has been good especially my most recent losses – relationship with Marta [but I still have a problem with her hanging out with someone else; and with that someone else] and my Dad. I have been finding myself wanting Marta and thinking of ways to get her back; I am sure that some of that is getting into the negative cycle; it will take some time to get out of that; but, as it happens, I will, I hope, become more accustomed to a new way of feeling. And, the same is true of my feeling about her seeing someone else and that person. ¨ ¨ Recognition of what is happening with my feelings begins the resolution. I am seeing something about the nature of fear in general: of fear of pain, of death, of failure. And I am seeing how the road to emotional wholeness will connect with my project in the nature and potential of [human] being.

An aside on the metaphysics… Something from nothing; as I have written, this contradicts neither common sense – common sense was defined and elaborated – nor modern science, the opinions of living scientists notwithstanding, nor philosophy or religion, nor Shamanism, nor being nor anything. The way people hang on to their beliefs about reality, valid as they may be in some domains of action, is a sign of a negative emotion-thinking cycle as much as may be “freedom in metaphysics.” So: something from nothing; this is the fundamental “lemma” of metaphysics; from which comes the fundamental result: why there is anything at all! [The question of why, as a question of causation is a question about a domain that is not causal.] It is rather trivial although the elaboration of the argument, the denial of universal causation – remember causation is originally a body concept in the immediate domain of action, and the explanation from structured indeterminism is all rather elaborate and requires sustained meditation in order to feel comfortable with it. But the result is trivial; the universe may phase into and out of being, of manifestation, of embodiment; and if something can come from nothing, I can become a whale, the individual may become the universe, may already be that universe. Trivial because, although ultimate it is not a tour-de-force of reasoning but rather a giving up of cherished beliefs; and trivial because, how does it connect to the immediate? This is the fundamental problem. I have maintained that experience of the ultimate and of the immediate are organically important to the individual. There is an intellectual argument, with grounding in intuition and my primitive feeling, for this and the connection: immediate-ultimate. That intellectual approach is in process. But, “the world of feeling” is something new to play with. It is not the fundamental work on feeling that I am beginning to do but an offshoot. I will learn about the metaphysical connections and the real importance of them to me and, perhaps, how do I enter them from that world; the approach now is beginning to have a new element; in the end I hope the “elements” – feeling, intellect, action – will integrate. [Being-relationship-action?]

…To what extent is my metaphysics or the motivation to it connected with my emotional being; are these mere compensations? I do not think of them as mere compensations but that is surely an element of it and may have led to distortions in the importance I assign to the topic and possible distortions of perception; and what of the “sacrifices” I have made for it? I do not think I have a preoccupation with fear of death; I think I am rather more comfortable with it than average; but I have been thinking I do not want to die before the “completion” of my project. Today, however, I feel comfortable with not completing my project – not completing it was a concern more than a fear. Just as I did not want my life to be all engineering, I do not want it to be all “mental health work” and project. That is consistent with the nature of the project and also with being present to my feelings and not hanging on to secondary gain from the negative cycle.

I was feeling quite good. The meaning of what I am doing with feeling – initially an approach, it is becoming a present awareness. I can see enough to see that there is a road, a journey ahead; I feel I am taking the first real step. I suspect there will be regression. I hope there is a journey into being whole. I hope it’s not superficial. I am beginning to feel where I am not whole, not just deduce that there is a problem or have some more or less vague idea of it.

The road back to wholeness is not only through challenging situations [work, relationships, development of myself…] but also through everyday social situations. Every situation, every moment is an opportunity. This could become an obsession but I do not think so. Let it be omnipresent in my consciousness as my psyche becomes “retrained, remodeled, reconstructed, rewired…”; in the end, it will be real, I hope, and that means be a new automatic system with, perhaps, periodic/situational renewal. Daily renewal? But once I see that, then, I think I’ll be ready for the challenging situations. This does not mean that I should avoid or not see challenging situations as opportunities to learn right now. Every situation is an opportunity: mundane every-moment situations and difficult ones. The approach is like meditation except that I am doing it in the thick of everyday things with all the assaults to ego instead of sitting quietly, separately. Could meditation, “no-mind”, hypnosis be useful.

The emotional world is not the whole world but to begin with I will focus on emotion. That is where I have difficulty; and, in a sense, emotion is where all my difficulties lie. Connection with the world of thought, integration of the whole psyche will come later. I have a glimmer of how; defer this. Likely, revelation will not come from intellect alone but from this process: growth and depth.

August 17, 2001

Drank last night. Partial regression today. This is due to less emotional resources and preoccupation with details of the trip. Negative self-judgment of myself due to slow start to the trip. However, this too [this took me awhile to realize] is an occasion to enter into the non-judgmental, go with the first feeling, not enter into the negative cycle, enter into [as yet fledgling] positive “world of feeling” mode. And not merely, an opportunity, I did so. I am thinking; this new journey may help with/eliminate the reasons to drink. I hope I learn to be fully present, enjoy the moment, everything without the suppression of judgment from alcohol.

A new canvas

What I envision is a course of “lessons”; I don’t want to be a perennial student; I may come back to the master for occasional and occasioned work.

Much of what I write is not new for me. What is new is that it is felt, not just intellectual; the revelation of detail and depth of feeling – especially in interpersonal situations; vividness; the dynamics and, so, hope for actualization that did not come from intellectualization alone; and that another [experienced, insightful] person is catalyst and guide.

There is a new canvas upon which to paint.

August 21, 2001

August 19 - 21, 2001. Hiking. I stopped Prozac. The cramping stopped; but I have been obsessing and anxious. The latter due to hiking? To work on “feeling” it is good [necessary?] to be with people?

Despite obsession [why the hold], I am getting a sense of what kind of person [woman] is right for me.

Plan

Objective: continues to be blocks and fears. What we have been working on addresses this head on / is this. Is anything being left out? “Methods.”

Continue: working on feeling through ideas-examples.

My mother: we have focused on my dad. But I think my mother, too, is key. What she modeled: enjoyment. Her contribution to (+) / (-) image; sometimes “anything” is fine; impatience / discounting; her psychosomatic symptoms: rather hidden from me. Although I was her favorite, not all was smooth it was not 100% unconditional, and she occasionally appeared to favor others [my cousin, Montu]…

Family: even though severe [dad] – otherwise affectionate and warm including physically.

My goals: work; love [and the issue of sex]; my project and its dimensions

Issue of Prozac: physical symptoms; it does seem to reduce my sometime obsessive response to loss [of love and work, loss in love has always been harder] and reduce anxiety; but in some ways it seems to dull the stress and my coping