The World of Feeling
Sessions
of August 3 and
When I
write as though ideas are mine it is that they are mine in the way that I
understand and begin to internalize them.
This
document is no longer needed for the Journey in Being but is maintained out of
interest and because it is a part of my experience
My
reactions to situations are governed by patterns of feeling developed and
modeled over my life, primarily with / by my parents. This includes the initial
feeling of inadequacy, omnipresent – let us call it so for purposes of argument
though in truth my emotional bearing is bi-modal but somewhat unstable; the
escalating interaction of the initial feeling, of self-criticism and physical
and emotional avoidance; of being shut down; of recovery in solitude,
attempting to understand, and various behaviors that are “rewarding” these
include sex, nature, athletic, intellectual pursuit, and solace from select
persons. Alcohol [primarily] is a preventative measure, not a reward.
An
approach to lifting this oppression is to experience the feeling in the
situation – and to hang with [not onto] the feeling itself but not all the
[learned] secondary aspects. Observe it and be there. By cultivating awareness
of the emotional flow [which goes the full cycle before I know it] hang with
the first feeling but not get into the cycle – initially, success will be
partial; initially the process will be somewhat opaque – where am I going with
this. Where I am going, to begin with, is that living with the feeling will not
be so bad, my experience of actual situations will be better. There will be two
results that I am learning. The first result is a cultivation and connection
with a more wholesome system of feeling. Even the primary feeling is learned
and is only superficially primary; by going with it, observation of the hidden
dynamics begins. Second, freeing up of a lot of frozen energy, better action
and performance in social and other situations – especially improving rather
than disintegrating relationships of all kinds; and better understanding of and
action toward my various goals. I am characterizing myself as rather negative;
it is that I am focusing on the negative aspects and wanting to assume the role
of “pupil” in this regard. There is a journey ahead.
Today
something clicked. Little successes bring more success. Bring improved
understanding of what it is that I am doing. It is like being able to see after
being blind; after gaining vision it is still going to take time to learn to
see. I am seeing the applicability of the idea everywhere. Just as my negative reaction
is omnipresent, the potential for freedom appears also to be everywhere. I am
beginning to notice thoughts, feelings [cascading] that I did not know I had.
Here
is a catalog of some situations where avoiding the negative cycle actually made
change. Shutting down/avoiding in social interactions. ¨ I’m tired so feel not up to
a task and my feeling of inadequacy interacts with the tiredness to make my
response less than it would be if just tired. ¨ Meeting people. ¨ Taking initiative. ¨ Remembering to engage, to be
present to myself so as to not enter the negative cycle. ¨ I was beginning to find the
response itself very present and automatic. Then I had a fear: if I get too
good at this I will not want to struggle at things that have meant so much for
me – love as I experience it and my project in being. I was present enough to
remind myself that this fear was [in addition to being fear of the loss of
secondary gain] re-entry into the negative cycle. ¨ I made a suggestion to a
friend, which amounted to stemming the negative escalation. ¨ My bearing toward the
challenging aspects of my life has been good especially my most recent losses –
relationship with Marta [but I still have a problem with her hanging out with
someone else; and with that someone else] and my Dad. I have been finding
myself wanting Marta and thinking of ways to get her back; I am sure that some
of that is getting into the negative cycle; it will take some time to get out
of that; but, as it happens, I will, I hope, become more accustomed to a new
way of feeling. And, the same is true of my feeling about her seeing someone
else and that person. ¨ ¨ Recognition of what is
happening with my feelings begins the resolution. I am seeing something about
the nature of fear in general: of fear of pain, of death, of failure. And I am
seeing how the road to emotional wholeness will connect with my project in the
nature and potential of [human] being.
An aside on the metaphysics… Something from nothing; as
I have written, this contradicts neither common sense – common sense was
defined and elaborated – nor modern science, the opinions of living scientists
notwithstanding, nor philosophy or religion, nor Shamanism, nor being nor
anything. The way people hang on to their beliefs about reality, valid as they
may be in some domains of action, is a sign of a negative emotion-thinking
cycle as much as may be “freedom in metaphysics.” So: something from nothing;
this is the fundamental “lemma” of metaphysics; from which comes the
fundamental result: why there is anything at all! [The question of why, as a
question of causation is a question about a domain that is not causal.] It is
rather trivial although the elaboration of the argument, the denial of
universal causation – remember causation is originally a body concept in the
immediate domain of action, and the explanation from structured indeterminism
is all rather elaborate and requires sustained meditation in order to feel
comfortable with it. But the result is trivial; the universe may phase into and
out of being, of manifestation, of embodiment; and if something can come from
nothing, I can become a whale, the individual may become the universe, may
already be that universe. Trivial because, although ultimate it is not a
tour-de-force of reasoning but rather a giving up of cherished beliefs; and
trivial because, how does it connect to the immediate? This is the fundamental
problem. I have maintained that experience of the ultimate and of the immediate
are organically important to the individual. There is an intellectual argument,
with grounding in intuition and my primitive feeling, for this and the
connection: immediate-ultimate. That intellectual approach is in process. But,
“the world of feeling” is something new to play with. It is not the fundamental
work on feeling that I am beginning to do but an offshoot. I will learn about
the metaphysical connections and the real importance of them to me and,
perhaps, how do I enter them from that world; the approach now is beginning to
have a new element; in the end I hope the “elements” – feeling, intellect,
action – will integrate. [Being-relationship-action?]
…To what
extent is my metaphysics or the motivation to it connected with my emotional
being; are these mere compensations? I do not think of them as mere compensations
but that is surely an element of it and may have led to distortions in the
importance I assign to the topic and possible distortions of perception; and
what of the “sacrifices” I have made for it? I do not think I have a
preoccupation with fear of death; I think I am rather more comfortable with it
than average; but I have been thinking I do not want to die before the
“completion” of my project. Today, however, I feel comfortable with not
completing my project – not completing it was a concern more than a fear. Just
as I did not want my life to be all engineering, I do not want it to be all
“mental health work” and project. That is consistent with the nature of the
project and also with being present to my feelings and not hanging on to secondary
gain from the negative cycle.
I
was feeling quite good. The meaning of what I am doing with feeling – initially
an approach, it is becoming a present awareness. I can see enough to see that
there is a road, a journey ahead; I feel I am taking the first real step. I
suspect there will be regression. I hope there is a journey into being whole. I
hope it’s not superficial. I am beginning to feel where I am not whole, not
just deduce that there is a problem or have some more or less vague idea of it.
The
road back to wholeness is not only through challenging situations [work,
relationships, development of myself…] but also through everyday social
situations. Every situation, every moment is an opportunity. This could become
an obsession but I do not think so. Let it be omnipresent in my consciousness
as my psyche becomes “retrained, remodeled, reconstructed, rewired…”; in the
end, it will be real, I hope, and that means be a new automatic system with,
perhaps, periodic/situational renewal. Daily renewal? But once I see that,
then, I think I’ll be ready for the challenging situations. This does not mean
that I should avoid or not see challenging situations as opportunities to learn
right now. Every situation is an opportunity: mundane every-moment situations and
difficult ones. The approach is like meditation except that I am doing it in
the thick of everyday things with all the assaults to ego instead of sitting
quietly, separately. Could meditation, “no-mind”, hypnosis be useful.
The
emotional world is not the whole world but to begin with I will focus on
emotion. That is where I have difficulty; and, in a sense, emotion is where all
my difficulties lie. Connection with the world of thought, integration of the
whole psyche will come later. I have a glimmer of how; defer this. Likely,
revelation will not come from intellect alone but from this process:
growth and depth.
Drank
last night. Partial regression today. This is due to less emotional resources
and preoccupation with details of the trip. Negative self-judgment of myself
due to slow start to the trip. However, this too [this took me awhile to
realize] is an occasion to enter into the non-judgmental, go with the first
feeling, not enter into the negative cycle, enter into [as yet fledgling] positive
“world of feeling” mode. And not merely, an opportunity, I did so. I am
thinking; this new journey may help with/eliminate the reasons to drink. I hope
I learn to be fully present, enjoy the moment, everything without the
suppression of judgment from alcohol.
What
I envision is a course of “lessons”; I don’t want to be a perennial student; I
may come back to the master for occasional and occasioned work.
Much
of what I write is not new for me. What is new is that it is felt, not just intellectual;
the revelation of detail and depth of feeling – especially in interpersonal
situations; vividness; the dynamics and, so, hope for actualization that did
not come from intellectualization alone; and that another [experienced,
insightful] person is catalyst and guide.
There
is a new canvas upon which to paint.
Despite
obsession [why the hold], I am getting a sense of what kind of person [woman]
is right for me.
Objective: continues to be blocks and
fears. What we have been working on addresses this head on / is this. Is
anything being left out? “Methods.”
Continue: working on feeling through
ideas-examples.
My mother: we have focused on
my dad. But I think my mother, too, is key. What she modeled: enjoyment. Her
contribution to (+) / (-) image; sometimes “anything” is fine; impatience /
discounting; her psychosomatic symptoms: rather hidden from me. Although I was
her favorite, not all was smooth it was not 100% unconditional, and she
occasionally appeared to favor others [my cousin, Montu]…
Family: even though severe [dad] –
otherwise affectionate and warm including physically.
My goals: work; love [and the issue
of sex]; my project and its dimensions
Issue of Prozac: physical symptoms; it does
seem to reduce my sometime obsessive response to loss [of love and work, loss
in love has always been harder] and reduce anxiety; but in some ways it seems
to dull the stress and my coping