July 21, 2001

Dear Anil

A. I love you, I admire you in so many ways.

B. Despite everything that has happened between you and Marta – the alienation, her becoming part of the Jeff and Lisa unit, the anger of both of you, her developing a crush on John Kelly – there is still a part of you that is open to her in that primary emotional, sexual way: mating, that deepest of human connections. What is that about? Part of it is love; you love her. Part of it is her fragility – you care for her and want to give care – you want to hold her in her illness and her courage; that is not bad but she also has others who care. But there’s a part of you that has, despite the asshole that you can be, always been “too” compassionate. How can that be? When your compassion negates your own real needs then you own life is diminished. That does not feel good and is not good for you are a valuable person – because you are the only you and also as a part of creation just as everyone is a part of creation. You are the only person who can cultivate your own life as beautiful, valuable, an essential part of the universe; you must do it. So compassion can become “codependence”. It is important to realize that that is not, in your case, weakness. You have always had the resilience to overcome loss; the codependence has diminished your judgment about when that separation and overcoming should begin and who should start it. Another part of why you remain open like nascent hydrogen is “honor” and integrity. That’s your cultural and family heritage and your self-concept of yourself as a hero. Well, clearly that can go beyond rationality into self-destructiveness. Despite your metaphysical belief in the infinite capacity of finite beings it is true that you are still [very] finite; remember the infinite capacity is a potential realized through time with one individual picking up where another leaves off… from person to person, from species to species, from universe to universe – so no contradiction here. However, the issue clouds your thinking and your codependence is in part based in a mistaken conception of your own emotional capacities and your mistaken conception [honor…] of your responsibilities. So what is it that you need to do now? You’ve long recognized the need, power in separation – but you’ve been afraid – partly for your self [loneliness], partly for your self-concept [honor], partly for the other [misplaced when they are off doing other things and people]. And, now Michael Paulus [hereafter Michael] has given you / reinforced a powerful rationalization. It is the rational thing. You need to separate, to grieve, to feel the pain – but in a healing and closure way not in the open wound way that you have been feeling. You must start now with moving out as soon as possible. You must communicate to Marta these intents and, to some extent, your need. Michael might say that communicating your need would be empowering her over you. I’m not sure it would be and I’m not sure he would say that. But your need is clear and rational: separate, heal; become fully open to life and others in a healthy way; and open to healthy heroism.

C. The crucial issue above is waiting-thinking vs. initiative-acting.

D. This does not mean cutting off Marta. This simply means giving her permission [she does not need your permission – but it will not hurt; the point: you need to give it] to pursue her needs without guilt messages from you [“betrayal”]; and for you to do the same without guilt messages from yourself – or anyone else. It does mean space to heal; space to give closure to that special bond: the one where her pain is your pain; the one where her body is the most beautiful “temple” – not in the way of humble worship of otherworldliness, but in the this-worldly way where hair, skin and flesh, smells, pussies, anuses and stuff are present and wonderful. Her body will remain a temple but it is destructive for you to feel you have a special temple of your own where you cannot enjoy and someone else can. Marta will then be at least another person and you [proviso below] can be at least as open to her as others. Likely, when you have both healed [enough] you will be able to have a healthy friendship and, perhaps, more; you cannot count on that as a certainty but it is not improbable when you consider other past relationships. There is no past relationship which if she said or tried “lets start again” for which you would not have firm reservations and there is no case in which you are just ready or wanting to jump in to it – if it were to happen it would be “natural” just like a fully new relationship; that’s rational. With those provisos stated there is a spectrum of feeling; for Beverly: no way would I reconsider unless she had a personality transplant… the question with Beverly does not even arise – even talking to her is not something I seek or anticipate; Kathleen: we can be warm and friends and affectionate without any of the old stuff – good or bad – coming up except that the old good stuff adds to the quality of the occasional friendship and warmth… we can not-talk for years and then enjoy each others company for a day or a week; Ashoka: who was she? Chris: powerful, one of my loves – there’s a difference between a love and a relationship; but she’s now in a different universe [Redding is a different universe]; and so on. It’s clear that when I think of Marta there’s potential for a good friendship. A primary relationship is one where you are a little more naked; and we spent a lot of time together – so there was a chance for pain to grow and perhaps resentment too; but, at least for me, giving expression to the resentment begins the “cure”; so we got emotionally naked together and raw; but I believe that will heal; I know I will heal; I believe and hope Marta will heal. And then… What of the possibility of re-exploring our primary connection. The following is basic, rational and sound: we would need help. We would get counseling together – and of course there could be no guarantees. I also think that individual counseling for Marta would help us and might be essential before we could have a good relationship.

E. About future primary relationships I am learning/relearning: closure to this one and openness to everything – the world – first; my own life back on track first: my ambitions, projects and friends; some key areas of growth: how you deal with your feelings especially in relationships and the codependence issue; how you “select” partners – the issue of how you both deal with feelings; how you will deal with possibly similar situations in other relationships – cutting the codependence cycle: dealing with problems up front and if they refuse to get resolved e.g. if the other refuses etc. then walking away however uncomfortable; and where is the line between selfishness and caring?. And regarding that, when you say you are doing stuff out of concern for the other – how much are you deceiving yourself and really somehow you are protecting the “inner lonely little boy”… it’s a question and the question does not prejudice the answer; but it demands an answer.

F. About secondary relationships: work [1½], Robin, dad, therapist, friends, myself, my projects and ambitions, the world in its unity? Your general tendencies must be dealt with: identify, deal. Passive… the self-concept thing. Re: Michael – I think the tool to deal with my relationship with my present and enduring “crisis” is a general and powerful tool – thank you. It applies also to all primary relationships. It just worked in the following way. I woke up feeling miserable; a moderate hangover and I was thinking: today is a day off from dealing; today I will not deal with issues. Then, I thought: so what if my head feels fuzzy and I feel emotionally week – I’ll go running and clear my head and feel stronger; but then I thought, quickly, three thoughts: how to approach my relationship with Marta, my personalization of what Michael emphasized; but, I was holding back – why? Because at the back of my head was the question – but you’ll just get into the same thing with your next relationship [if there is one], but then I thought no I don’t need to but I need to resolve that for the positive reason and so as to clear the nagging semi-conscious doubt; and I thought what about your relationship with Michael – are you developing a resistance, just a speck? Maybe, but make a note of it, make it conscious so that it becomes a determinate thing something that, if its there or when its there you can deal; and the other aspect of the relationship with Michael – are you becoming dependent? Well, get over the “pride” part of that: you did not think up the world yourself; and as far as dependence – surely its OK to learn from others – the pride thing again; and, reassure yourself, you are not likely to become dependent: you’ve never done that before: but, hopefully, you can learn some damn good tools and, perhaps, transform yourself: the fears and blocks issue and its positive aspect: you as a healthy human being with a healthy relationship with the world: learning and becoming your potential – a process and a goal. You are already there on those days when self-doubt takes a vacation. So, as I just began to deal, despite fuzziness, the power of resolution took over…

G. I believe [Michael’s point] that when two adults are in a relationship both are responsible for the problems – I’m assuming no one is being held captive. Of course there may be different tasks toward resolution. But if you remain in the relationship then you are choosing to remain with the problems. So, it’s stupid to blame. And here’s another area where you must let go and stop the guilt thing. Of course you’re A, B, C, D… letter, the one Marta read was not a guilt thing – you did not intend for her to read it, you were angry at the loss of a chance for resolution, and you wanted to resolve your own guilt issues [which you should not have allowed yourself to get into]; but she did read the letter and now, if she feels guilt etc. then you must release her from that.