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- Do you find yourself concealing what you really think or feel
because you're afraid of the other person's reaction, and it just
doesn't seem worth the horrible fight or hurt feelings that will surely
follow? Has this become so automatic that you have a hard time even
identifying what you think or feel?
- Feeling like you're walking on eggshells much of the time, and that
no matter what you say or do, it will be twisted and used against you.
- Being blamed and criticized for everything wrong in the
relationship, even when it makes no logical sense.
- Being the focus of intense, even violent rages that make no logical
sense, alternating with periods when the other person acts perfectly
normal and loving.
- Feeling like you're being manipulated, controlled or even lied to
sometimes.
- Feeling like the person you care about sees you as either all good
or all bad, with nothing in between. Wishing that the person would act
like they used to, when they seemed to love you and think you were
perfect and everything was wonderful.
- Feeling like the other person is like "Dr Jekyll and Mr. Hyde": one
moment a loving, caring person; another moment someone who seems so
vicious you barely recognize them. Wondering which one is "real." Hoping
that it's a phase that will go away -- but it doesn't. Feeling like
you're on an emotional roller coaster with high highs (things are
incredible, fantastic) and very low lows (feeling of despair,
depression, grief for the relationship you thought you had).
- Being afraid to ask for things in the relationship because you will
be told you're too demanding or there is something wrong with you. Being
told that your needs are wrong or not important.
- Wondering if you're losing your grip on reality because the other
person is always putting down or denying your point of view. Plus, the
other person often acts just fine in front of other people, so no one
believes you when you explain what's going on.
- Feeling that nothing you do is ever right, and when you do manage to
do what the other person wants, suddenly they change their expectations.
The rules keep changing and no matter what you do, you can't win.
Feeling helpless and trapped.
- Being accused of doing things you never did and saying things you
never said. Feeling misunderstood a great deal of the time, and when you
try to explain, the other person doesn't believe you.
- Being constantly put down, yet when you try to leave the
relationship the other person tries to prevent you from leaving in a
variety of ways -- anything from declarations of love and promises to
change to outright implicit or explicit threats such as "you'll never
see the children again" and "no one but me will ever love you."
- Having a hard time planning anything (social engagement, etc.)
because of the other person's moodiness, impulsiveness or
unpredictability. Sometimes, even making excuses for their behavior to
other people -- or trying to convince yourself that this is normal
behavior.
- Reading the above list and thinking "Oh my God, I had no idea that
other people were going through the same thing and that there is a name
for this: Borderline Personality Disorder."
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