Saturday, August 11, 2001

Dear Marta,

About pushing away. I have never meant to say that there was no positive expression – wanting, desire, loving; especially in the beginning but some of that always. It was intense in the beginning. I know that. I definitely, also, remember pushing away from the beginning: I remember early last year [2000] verbal “no” and physical pushing away and when I neither intended nor tried to eat your pussy. I am not the only person who has said you are not aware of some of your behaviors. Even the letter; written in early December; when I found and read it late January you said “It’s too late” and in that way the letter did not count. It could have counted if I did not assume “It’s too late” meant “It’s too late.” But even if I did try and read what you really might have been thinking, my experience would have been one of both push and pull. There were other kinds of push pull which did not relate to sex. But even in the end, there was also some positive expression. I miss the positive but don’t miss the pushing.

This does not at all contradict what you have said: that you have not had a problem with sex in other relationships. Even if you did push in others [I’m not saying you did] what counts is the total effect: sex is good if the positive is “more” than the negative – the pushing. In our relationship I experienced the positive as dominant in the beginning; but my experience changed.

Why was it different in our relationship. I’ve thought about what I said: sex went downhill in half of my relationships. Half of my relationships is about five. Different causes in different relationships. In the first one: she did not like sex, I became bored. In the second, fourth, and fifth of the five sex was never all that great for me and in two of those I did not even love the person very much – one of them just tried very hard and the other we just kind of fell into it – it was fun but no great romance; the other of the three in which sex was never all that great, I really loved her without sex [sex is always present even if there is no “overt sex”]. That is why I have said that some relationships hardly hurt when they were over. I suppose that means I can tolerate a relationship without great romantic love or sex. Those things are good and lovely but not necessary for me; it just occurred to me that the kind of relationship without great feeling is safer. The only previous relationship in which I had actual conflict about sex was the one with Beverly. In that one, except right in the beginning, sex was the only positive thing but that went downhill when she wanted me to share my fantasies; that was a double bind because sharing my fantasies was not enough but she wanted my fantasies to be something other than they were and to turn me on. Actually what she wanted was never all that clear to me but she became really pissed off; it was much later that she mentioned the fantasies and I’m still not sure what she wanted – everything was in a cloud of anger. You said we had sex when you threw a fit; I really don’t remember any fit; what I do remember is you nicely and politely – even lovingly and tenderly – asking; you were so nice about it, the way you asked, it is bringing tears to my eyes as I write. But I have not ever experienced anyone else being pissed off about sex like Beverly’s in any other relationship; your anger was nothing like hers but yours hurt more. Maybe it was a mistake for us to stay together as long as we did – especially for you since you were not happy; my unhappiness was mainly that you were unhappy. But staying with Beverly was truly bad judgment. Then there were four relationships in which sex remained great – even when we’d meet after the relationship was over.

So what was different about me in our relationship. First, I wanted you so much. I was truly in love. So loss was truly scary – not in the very beginning but things changed. Every time you walked away; every time sex went wrong; every time you became angry – I felt as though I lost the most precious thing [tears at the thought], I died a little. That was a burden. And the pressure of my project was a burden. And my loss of potency, despite Viagra, was a burden. But I think I just stated the burdens in their order of importance. The dying a little was the main burden; project pressure a little less; loss of potency probably would not have been a problem if the other two were not. You wanted to know how I could feel attraction for you and you not know it. Here is how. The cage analogy was not a good one. I would want you; but expression of the want would not burst through the fear from the “burdens” – especially the fear of loss; also fear of rejection. Mostly loss and rejection were the main fears. I remember being close to you feeling only wanting and desire – that was in the beginning; then there was wanting and fear; at first the fear was not a problem; then it began to seem as though the whole relationship hinged on each act of sex; I remember, later, being close to you wanting and fearing at the same time. I think the project and loss of independence were also burdens at times; but I seem to recall that when our relationship was going really well I felt good about the project and loss of independence became mixed up with the fact that the relationship was not going well. I don’t know if this is true but I think that my fear was my main contribution to what went wrong. I think that your fear, too, was your main contribution. Your fear made you expect what you feared and [I think] see it even when it did not happen. Fear bred fear. You know all this.

I think our relationship was not given the chance it deserved; so much hope… Nine months at your house? Too much and too little. But – I think – its not about time, its about having a comfortable space where fear and “running away” [you on the outside, me on the inside] did not keep coming in the way… And, there’s another thing about my stay at your house. I know that you said “It’s a trial”. But that was not the original idea. The original idea was stay for three months. Along the way various things got derailed. My three months idea got derailed. But because we never agreed [or disagreed, we never had an explicit agreement] your trial period never got on track. Just another example of not good communication. No one’s fault. I think I know what one reason for the communication issue is/was. We had various ideas about our lives coming into the relationship. We liked each other. Some of those ideas changed in response but not wholly. We continued with who we were – natural enough. But despite words, agreements and intentions there was something else. We could have ended up hating each other as people – I’m glad we did not. But even if we did end up hating each other as people there was another level of connection which included us as people [you like being around me, I like being around you] but more than that. It’s the animal/chemical thing. It was/is a strong thing. Regardless of who we are as people and what our plans were the chemical-pheromone etc. thing was always there and if our intentions were to be together then chemistry and intentions were at peace but if intentions and chemistry were at odds [chemistry was always one of attraction, compulsion – perhaps a dangerous thing] then there was conflict: not conflict between you and me but conflict between me and another part of me, you and a part of you. I love you so much. Ugh. I talked about the two most painful things. Of the two the more painful was deciding and telling you I was going to move out of your house. The other thing was intense at first but gets better – ebbs and flows. But moving out, I felt horrible – abandoning the person I loved the most; have I written this elsewhere? I remember being at work evening after evening, agonizing, my mind feeling as though it was warped and bent and twisted into unrecognizable form [am I really me I would think] by some alien force. I still feel bad today when I think about it. I love you.

I hope I am not coming across as trying to pin blame. I was angry in the earlier letter. Lists of what you/I did or did not do aren’t going to help any thing, I think. As I write this I miss you and feel love. I am trying to say what I see. It is time for me to stop complaining and appreciate the positive things, appreciate your efforts, your hanging in there hoping for something to change while you felt lonely, unappreciated, unloved. I don’t think I am really complaining, more like obsessing. I wish I had expressed better and you had known better what love in its various ways I felt.

Regrets? Love lost. The most lovely thing [you-me] lost.

I said I wanted a certain part of my love for you to die – the part that makes me want you and makes me feel weird that you are seeing someone else – I have always felt OK about other girl friends seeing someone else… and have enjoyed spending time with them. That will make me feel better. I am getting more comfortable with what has happened but there is still a path to be traveled toward healing.

I want to mention something that I hesitate to say. I hesitate because, as I said, it is good for me for a part of my love to die. I also hesitate because I feel like I might be interfering with your life. But I also think it would be a good idea to say what I am going to say. I think it would make the future more secure. And there could be other benefits… What I want to say is this. The future is unpredictable feelings come and go; people change; things go in a full circle; circumstances are different. It is possible that we could be in a place where we both wanted to love each other [in all ways], be together again. I am not saying it is likely, but it could happen. Why do I think that? First, I acknowledge all the positive parts of our relationship. These parts may make it worthwhile. Second, I acknowledge the negative parts. These parts would somehow have to be different. We would have to be different with different needs [sex…] – I do not see that happening; I suppose it could happen but its not likely; its not something that would want; changing either of us is not something I have put energy into. What could be different? Two things. 1. Circumstances, e.g. we want to be in the same place; e.g. I want to “settle down”… 2. Learning how to deal with the fear that made things go wrong. [This might make “Circumstances” less important.]

This leads me to talk about the counseling I am having with Michael Paulus. In our very first session he asked me what I wanted out of therapy. I said “overcome my blocks and fears.” I was thinking of whatever it is that is stopping me from getting what I want: love, work. Work means having my project be good and appreciated; something like that. I was thinking “I am doing something wrong.” Anyway, he did not take that approach. The approach he is taking is this. It is looking at how I perceive and react in the moment. In every situation there is an emotional / feeling reaction. But in addition to the initial reaction, there are other things that happen in response to the reaction; I may judge myself negatively for having the reaction; I may feel other secondary negative feelings that have nothing to do with the situation; I may shut down and emotionally or physically avoid the situation or fail to take what would be normal initiative. It is acknowledged that the source of the secondary reaction is my life, primarily my life with my parents. But that has nothing to do with the approach which is to focus on the feeling in the moment – the initial reaction – and not get lost in or swept into all the secondary negative stuff. He suggested do a deep breath relaxation to accept and go with the first feeling. But I’m finding that just maintaining awareness is somewhat successful in preventing the involuntary physical tension. I saw the intellectual sense to what he was saying immediately without judging how effective it might be. I found it to be effective in a couple of small situations at home and at work… Then something amazing kicked in. First, I discovered how very much I have the negative reaction stuff going on. Then, I discovered that the approach to stemming the negative stuff was beginning to kick in automatically. I have known all this but I began to see and to feel it. Then, I found, that it is beginning to color my moment to moment mood; I walk into situations with a more positive expectation. And, part of it is that I am aware of the negative feelings and thoughts and recognize them as such whereas before I took them as given, not because I thought I could not do anything about them but because I did not see them – in the present, as clearly; and part of the reason for seeing is that they have “always” been there. I would react and go through a whole cycle of negative feeling, thought, avoidance and action without knowing what really happened. I made the analogy that what I am trying to do is like meditation [awareness] but I am doing it every moment in the thick of life instead of sitting quietly. It is amazing. Anyway, despite all this I find myself getting into old habits of feeling and so I know that it is just the beginning of a Journey. I hope that it is a positive journey. I hope it brings out a new me who does not regress. I am open to success-failure; I have hope. I have had much enjoyment in my life; I know how to have fun: my family and some friends recognize that; but what has been the price? So the hope that I have is a new hope and it exists because I am beginning to see something that I have not seen before.

All that also seems the key to really hearing what other people are saying – so important in relationships. It is what I value and yet it is so clear that I have not heard. I mean I have heard the words but not the feeling.

I enjoy sharing these thoughts with you but the original reason for mentioning them was “dealing with fear.” I am not trying to say that I have learnt to deal with fear or anything like that. But, there may be a way. I am not saying that what I am doing now is the way; although I do hope it [or something else] is part of the way for me in my future life. It does occur to me that you could benefit from counseling. You are not me and what is good or works for me might not be good or work for you. I respect when you say that you do not want to bring up old stuff [your early life…] The process that seems to me to have promise has two virtues: I am surprised at its power – I know its too early to really know; and, it acknowledges the source of things in the rest of one’s life – but the approach is here-now. We discussed my life to give the counselor a feel for who I am; and, every now and then my life comes up naturally and Michael points out how I still react the same way; but the approach is through awareness in the present. And, it does not seem like and I have told Michael that I do not want long term counseling. What I envision, possibly, is getting some tools; and, perhaps, in the future, an occasional tune-up. Anyway, what I do think is that some sort of counseling might be good for you, might make your life better; but I am not thinking that you need it or that what works for me will work for you.

Here is what I am saying and it has taken a while to get to the point. It is that if, in the future, we ever did consider a “relationship” we would, together, need to deal with our mutual problems. We were not successful ourselves in doing that. We tried. I know I vaguely thought of counseling and I am not sure why I did not bring it up – may be I did or maybe you did but I don’t remember that. If I did not it was that, in the moment, I would and did lose hope. Anyway, the conclusion is that counseling together would be necessary; we would hope for success even though success is not certain.

Another reason to not say what I just did is that I feel I may be creating “karma.” But, that is one of my problems – the negative, doubt thing. It is why I would say “I can’t guarantee that things will get better.” Instead of just, in the moment, doing what you/I wanted.

[So, I can see, in this letter, the “old” me coming out. I am going to let that stand. I am going to let it stand because it is still me; I am not trying to pretend, and even less am I deluding myself, that I have made a transformation. Transformation exists in the realm of hope.]

I wish I had known better what you wanted. You said you told me you wanted sex and other things. Yes you did. But that’s not what I mean. I know, now, that when you would say its over or something “negative” of that kind you were not 100%; but I did not know that at the time. I could have assumed it but my fear would have prevented me from that. I would feel “OH SHIT! ITS OVER!" and get into “abandoned” mode and that would close me down; usually when that happened, if you would hang, I would come around to a better way of feeling but for various reasons we would not hang; we’d have to go to work or something would happen or you would “run.” Personally, I wish I could have not shut down in the way I did; I don’t shut down for long and can usually pull myself out of it if you [the other person] hangs for as little as 5 minutes; but hanging also means being open. Anyway, regardless, I hope in the future I can hang in the moment to moment rather than shut down for even a few moments. Those moments make a difference. That is why sometimes I would not respond when you wanted response. I am not blaming anyone especially myself because there was an interaction and its not necessarily any one person’s fault; it is not necessary for there to be, or there to be a focus on “fault”; and that makes people feel not good. That is why I would become angry. A defense. You can appreciate that my emotions are pretty flexible. I don’t hang on to them; they can change quite soon in response to what the situation calls for. But what I want to do is hang in the moment. I’m not bad at that, usually pretty good, in non-primary relationship situations. But with someone who was as important to me as you [you are still important] it is harder – but still possible. It was easy with others who were not as important. I hope my counseling and my efforts will teach me that.

…

Here is something that occurred to me recently. Its bizarre. Nine out of the ten American women I have had a relationship with have had bad or non-existent relationships with their fathers. The tenth, I don’t know what the relationship with her father was like. They are attracted to me and I to them. Even five out of ten would be significant but perhaps you could explain it: many women have bad relationships with their fathers. But nine, maybe even ten out of ten? I thought of putting out an ad [this is a joke]: wanted a woman who had a good relationship with her father; then I thought, no, the ad will say: wanted, for a good time, a woman who had a bad relationship with her father.

No particular point to the previous paragraph – but its interesting and there ought to be insights. Somehow because I had what seems to me to be a good relationship with my mother or some other reason – perhaps because of my relationship with the “universe” which I think was modeled for me by my mother, I do not need sex for validation… I’m not sure of the reasoning there but the following is true: I can have a relationship that I enjoy and is romantic for me without sex. That’s not really true: if I find the other person attractive, just being with them is good. Sex, wonderful sex, without conflict would be better – I want that – but somehow, just being with, sharing, kissing, touching… is pretty good. How come? I do not have a full explanation. It could be the way I am; it could be that I come from a culture that did not teach me every day that sex and self-worth are related; that I’m older [no sex in my first marriage because she did not like it was a problem]; perhaps my ability for delayed gratification; perhaps I am conflicted and confused about sex but more likely about relationships and that affects sex; perhaps because I have other passionate interests; but I do know – I feel it and a number of people have told me – that I am comfortable with my body. I’m rambling. The result: if sex goes wrong it is not as much a problem for me. I’m not saying I want/wanted you to be like me or that would be a good thing. Perhaps I’m fooling myself and if I had wanted-wanted and you had withheld or appeared to do so I would have been frustrated. [This is showing me where and how my intellectualization is not really helpful. It is something I feel rather than know. I am letting it stand.]

I’ve often wondered at your complaint that you don’t understand what I’m saying – when talking of ideas. The reason I wonder is not just that I think you are intelligent and quick but also whenever you respond, what you say is right on the mark. I’ve never thought of you as anything but very intelligent; although I appreciate the interest some people around here show in my ideas I also appreciate the clarity, simplicity and intelligence of whatever you have said.

…

As time goes on feelings come and go; things change – feelings expressed in previous writing change, things said are seen as inaccurate, anger diminishes, I begin to feel centered… So, anyway, for now, I am not sending you the other “letters” I wrote; and that includes the “angry” letter. I am not sure how relevant that letter is. It has been cleaned up in an attempt to be accurate and some new points added. I will give you the new version if you want. [There are other “letters” that are about me that might be interesting.] Although guided, in part by anger, the motive was also to say what needed to be different. I began thinking of the points in the letter when we were still [officially] in a “relationship.” I am not sure that, even if we were in a relationship, whether that letter would help beyond venting. Perhaps it would make you aware of some things, perhaps not. But, instead, even if we were still b/f, g/f, focusing on who did and who did not do what is probably not all that helpful. I am beginning to see this not just as an idea [intellectual] but feel it. What would work, I think, would be [repeating myself] to just do in the moment what you/I want. Then we would be successful; or, we would know [with no real reason for regret] that it was not working. But, regardless, if I would have done in the moment what you/I want that would have given us better chance.

[I hope I do that in my future life and relationships.]… Love, Anil

I noticed the MLA on the back of the bill you forwarded. I liked that. Thank you.