Problems
My stuff: what to do with it; what do I need; store
Marta
Dear Marta; I want and need to tell you why I need to move
out; but, first something that is “romantic” but true: You know that I love you
and will always love you; I love you so much; if I have failed in love with you
it is not because of lack of desire; and, if I have not done what you wanted,
it is usually that I did not know how; I am so sorry that I said things that
hurt you; I did not say those things to hurt; whatever I said was thought
through although the pressure of the situation led to them being not said in
the best way; I hesitated; I said them to see what the problems might be – and
then work on them; if we have hurt each other it is because we loved and wanted
love; I will always love you, find you beautiful and sexy but way more than
just that; now something that is painful but true: I love you, need you and
care for you – and that combination makes it impossible to bear; when I think
of my pain I say “I can bear this” but when I think of your pain my mind does
not rest, cannot find a stable place, would rather not think or feel or be at
all; and to find that acceptable my mind has to accept “bi-stability” so that
although one state is a state of unremitting pain the other can be one of rest
and perception; I must work on the ego strength to integrate the states and
part of that is just going through the process and not aborting it; so the
decision to move – it is not entirely a “decision” if that is something
calculated by, e.g., listing positives and negatives; but here are some
ingredients; first, for some time I have not been able to do what I need
to do – work on my project, work on what I need to do next – there are a number
of reasons for this but one of them is that as long as I am here a large
portion of my energy wants to make things between us better – and to survive
emotionally, another reason is the focus required by my journey; and, Joan and
Gil have both offered me a place when I said we had broken up but they may need
to rent soon, and once the students start to come back finding a place will be
very hard; second, abortion of my self-integration is not healthy for
me; third, I feel for all the reasons stated below, including healing,
that moving will give us the best chance at real love; we will be friends; we
will be excellent friends – not just friends; we will care for each other; I
want you to be 92 and I want to know you then; there is a special place for you
in my heart; always; fourth, this house is a lovely house in a lovely
location [could do better] but it is not the right house for us; fifth,
I am lonely here and I can tolerate that loneliness for your sake, for ours too
but not at what have become costs to my ambition, my project, and my self – I
will be lonely living elsewhere but I think I will then begin to heal; here I
am not healing; for that, I need my own place; I will miss you I already miss
you, you are so beautiful in so many ways and one thing about which I could
feel “justified” anger is that you think I do not think you are sexy even
though I understand your feeling; what went wrong in our relationship? – in one
way, that is going to be difficult to know because its complex and our pain is
going to be looking for explanations to make the pain go away; the pain
includes fear of loss not only of the other person but of oneself; but in
another way it is not hard to understand – two people came together with love
in their hearts and hope in their eyes, and they were people whose love wanted
to grow and fly but whose insecurities and past pain bounced back and forth between
them… and we are trained to find reasons “you did or did not…”; what of the
future?; writing this I feel the pain acutely, I am reminded of all the places
that I could have done or behaved differently but do not know that I truly
could have at the time; it sometimes seems futile to want to think of “again”;
but then I am reminded of something, the stress of the relationship is part of
what made us, finally, seek help; that help gave you energy and confidence and
the strength to “break up”, to face the pain – I think you always had the
strength; there is a comparison to when people on antidepressants sometimes get
the courage to commit suicide; so, in one way its, maybe, like “relationship
suicide”: what could be the first step is the last step; sex, what went
wrong here? – I said above and before that I never stopped thinking of you as
sexy, but here are some thoughts – I’ve said that sex has gone downhill only in
those relationships in which sex itself was a focus of conflict, probably I
felt criticized, and here’s more: You said something about Viagra lasting 8
hours, Here’s the problem; it is not just getting erections and maintaining
them; it is how much do I feel – fire in the loins; that has, also, to do with
neurotransmitters [in the following, “neurotransmitters”, “negative
self-image”,… may be thought of as being used metaphorically] etc. and
testosterone; and if testosterone, dopamine and other neurotransmitters are low
the passion, the physical feeling – fire in the loins – are less; sometimes
when I come [orgasm] it feels weak and weird; those are plain facts; here’s
speculation: if there were more feeling I might be able to overcome the
“negative self-image etc.”, the “pressure of my project, time in nature”
aspects; or if the negative image were solved; possibly then I would overcome
both the negative self-image issue and the need for focus and commitment to my
project, my ambition… How and why could it have been different?; here is my
outlook from thinking and from what Dody said; I’m talking about myself but
what I say might also apply to you and to our relationship; I have mentioned
that I have been thinking that I have been depressed, somewhat, all my life –
many clues but it is hard to realize because I have never known anything
different and I have known much enjoyment and happiness; but then I question
the style of the happiness and what it took to be happy – a lot of energy just
coping with the need to cope; and so on; the outlook is this:; based on the
interview, it is likely that I was born serotonin deficient, that people like
that can be “ok” if growing up in a nurturing environment but I had a rather
harsh environment; this seems to confirm, concretely, what I have been
thinking; so, the solution – build up serotonin with Prozac [and, she suggested
also exercise, diet, sunlight] and another main ingredient – counseling;
the purpose of the counseling is to make me “whole” – that’s my word, not hers;
something interesting that helps confirm “depression”:
Dody asked whether there was a history of depression in my family; I mentioned
my uncle who committed suicide, my grandfather who did not seem like a happy
man, my mother – almost always happy and why? Anyway she had some somatic thing
going on – would become ill whenever my dad would go on a trip but the somatic
thing was hidden from me, somehow as the “chosen” son, she always wanted me to
think she was happy and bright; but the main focus was my dad – except for
occasional moping, he did not have classic depression but I mentioned that he
was almost always angry [I mentioned how, as an example, running water over the
toothpaste on my toothbrush evoked rage – so much anger over such a trivial
thing just shows how ever-present it was; never knowing when anger would
descend; how anger was part of how he faced the world] or “bragging” [extreme,
chronic, and often exaggerated or even lying] and Dody explained that the anger
was likely depression or a way of dealing with depression; the serotonin
will give me strength to have a positive self-image and energy and not have to
compensate but the counseling will help to actually develop the positive; that
whole explanation has to be simpler than reality but it’s a working position
from which to start – and can be improved in follow up; perhaps that would give
me the strength, centeredness or whatever to face life and relationships
without my energy being drained into some kind of compensation for my negative
self-image; Dody seemed to see a relation between serotonin and self-image; I
am not completely sure that “negative self-image” – Dody did not say negative
but I’m comfortable with the idea – is correct but it is becoming clear to me
that I am doing an awful lot of compensating in many situations – work,
relationship and family, attitude to life; maybe that explanation is wrong and
I am severely screwed up and nothing will help much, maybe I do not have a
problem at all or maybe I am exaggerating my problem due to the shock and
disappointment at our relationship; but, it seems reasonable at a gut level and
the words are ways of expressing; and I want to explore; so far, its “all in my
head” the Prozac has not begun to work and Dody’s idea is “begin low, go slow”;
how much counseling? I am not sure but currently the
focus is definite objectives and a time frame; so, back to the future: I
am your best friend; I love you; can we be
together again?; I would truly like that but is it a good idea?; well I think
if I heal and am stronger; when I say heal I do not mean from “us” but from
what I was before; and, is there anything you can do?;
you’ve often said there might be but you have a “if it ain’t broke don’t fix
it” attitude; I hesitate, out of respect, to “suggest” anything; but love [for
you and me] makes me say this – it seems as though Effexor is a first step and
there could be further steps, perhaps counseling; its possible that this could
help you; I do not know for sure, as far as I know Dody suggested counseling
for me and not you; but, it might be worth while most importantly just for your
self, and then for the parts of your life including relationships…; you are my
most beautiful, lovely, sexy girl