Lurid Version of Paragraph C

C. Non-sexual things that I experience as pushing. Flirting, putting me down in public including behind my back – others have asked me “what was that about”; putting me down in private just because you somehow feel “less” or something; especially in relation to my project; and that puzzles me that you should feel that way because I truly think you are smart; and whatever you have said, while you were thinking you were stupid or something, I was thinking you were smart; for example the thing about choice; although I don’t agree with your view your arguments for it were excellent – in fact the standard arguments that people have come up with; I think you must have a self-image problem; this sometimes borders on paranoia; I truly think counseling / medication would help. Sabotaging attempts to communicate, resolve. “Running” away; running away is sabotage even if its not intended to be; and running away, leaving, is said to be harder to deal with than directly abusive behavior. I said somewhere that you never really demanded sex, you asked nicely; you may have been feeling you were demanding. However, when things went wrong you associated anger with sex; getting pissed off. Many times. I can’t remember exactly when this started but it was probably April 2000. Not being expressive about sexual needs in the moment – and then complaining. Not having a relationship routine – some routine does not mean all routine and with some routine the gain is much better than the small loss in spontaneity; not contributing to housework and similar stuff; not helping with housework and related things are not pushing – I did not mind them in themselves – I truly enjoyed doing stuff for you / for the relationship; but doing them would have made for something and counterbalanced the pushing. Most of the things mentioned in this paper; not planning or committing; saying you don’t plan when you do; the change in your behavior when I moved into your house; being or acting like you are unaware of your own actions and contributions; hanging out with Jeff Archer – Lisa has to be codependent – I know you think they are great, I don’t but I bet you’ll find out that the grossness – there’s a new Lisa at work that seems to permanently angry and does not really like people; I don’t mind at all your hanging with friends and I’m truly sorry you did not get what you wanted in our relationship but somehow I don’t care for them the way I like Ellen and Berry – whom I trust and like and miss; I kind of feel yucky on the PM shift which I think of as the slimy Axis II shift – I’m glad Greg is no longer there he was a main slime; I think Lisa is a little slimy; the others including myself and you I don’t think of as slimy nor Jannee, Gazella has a mild slime factor but we’re all Axis II; I don’t know whether John Kelly is Axis II but he is slimy – I know that his hanging out with you warps my mind but I thought of him as somewhat slimy even before he began flirting with you while we were in a relationship and that was slimy because even though you are a flirt, he could have chosen not to flirt with a co-worker’s and pseudo-buddy’s girl friend; and there are other reasons to consider him slimy some of which you know and some you don’t; you’ll find out, he’s a manipulator who plays a quiet, waiting game – I hope you don’t get hurt; I still love you so much that if someone hurts you I’ll get pissed; a pissed Anil is not something someone wants; I don’t mean temper tantrum I mean pissed; there is truly only one time I have been pissed in the way I mean, I was fighting against a number of people all more powerful than I and I lost but they were fucked anyway; it’s a cold anger thing; what I feel / have felt for John is a slime thing and a hot anger thing and I don’t plan to do anything about it because its not rational; oh shit, oh shit, oh shit – I hurt, I miss you despite all the bullshit, all the pain, and want you back even though its stupid, I miss shape of head, I miss your pussy, tummy, pubes, arms, lovely legs, asshole with bird’s beak, hearing “I love you, Anil”, I miss your being pissed – no I don’t – yes I do – no I don’t – but I do want you; that’s what all this anger thing, fault thing, blame thing, rationalizing thing is all fucking about, I want, I want, I want; and if we ever get back I will have experienced this stuff as pushing; and what about the fact that you are fucking John Kelly’s slimy white-pink dick [it would give me pleasure to slice it off a bit at a time after slowly crushing his balls but I’d have to cover my nose to avoid the stench of pink meat; pink meat – just the idea of you being around him bends my mind, warps it in ways I did not that warp was possible, as if its taken out of three dimensional space and twisted in some bizarre way by something more powerful than it and put back into normal space but irretrievably warped; so imagine the warp from the idea of pink touching pink, brown being close to brown; ugh, more visual images here, things that you and John could sit up all night smoking pot with your thumbs up each others butts but not imagine] – how would I handle that; that would probably be another experience of pushing; well to begin with you’d have to shower, do five douches, launder all your clothes, disinfect your house, and wait a month; how would I deal with all that; well you’d have to love me; love cures; I don’t mean sex and I don’t mean to exclude sex; but I mean love; but what is love, I’m getting philosophical; love includes that you accept the reality of the other person… the other person is there not just for you but for themselves, and I gave you that and you’ll have to go far to find that, maybe Lisa could do that – she has qualities despite what I said above; OK so I’m having a rough time, I’m not the all-giving hero I sometimes imagine myself to be. Fine. I guess if we get back, there are still things I want – my project which includes nature year but that might happen first, but I promise to find ways to give more especially sex, I’ve learned how to overcome the fear thing I mentioned in another letter, but I’ll need help; but you’ll need to want to come back not just for sex but full love; you’ll have grown yourself; remember that being creative requires the ability to tolerate and enjoy solitude; you’ll enjoy our togetherness; and I’ll be more “demanding” meaning constructive. I know that this paragraph is especially irrational but the first half of it is quite rational.