A. Document
Status ¨ this document is no longer needed for the Journey in
Being, but review may be useful for other relationships and how I deal with
them
B. Some
general points added later, Aug 2001. ¨ The unfairness is pervasive – one set of criteria
for you another for me: pushing away, then angry; letting anger get in the way
of explanations, refusing to listen, charging off, withdrawing and then saying
“you’re wrong because you didn’t say that the first time;” undermining me at
work and then criticizing me for the views you encourage; expecting the mhw to immediately obey but retaining the freedom of your
judgment in relation to your supervisors, doctors etc., pushing me away and
then saying “why don’t you touch me;” pushing me away when I eat you and then
saying “why don’t you do that anymore;” getting angry at suggestions for sex
because you think it does not value you without asking why the suggestion and
whether its foreplay or what; risky driving is ok for you and then getting
angry at the reverse; and lying about the fact that you are a safe driver when
there are other people in the car – you believe you should do that but don’t;
you want to be honest in what you say about others but then get upset when they
are honest or don’t want to be cajoled into saying what you want them to say;
not coming downstairs at your house [1617 L Street] even when I ask you to then
complaining that we don’t sleep together; not following through on ordering a
sex product that you said you would and then getting upset, withdrawing when I
didn’t use one one time; giving me a letter of
complaint and saying its too late, too late to do anything, don’t do anything,
then getting upset when I didn’t; ¨ extreme anger, energy trying to prove you are right, I’m
wrong ¨ you have
proven you can’t be trusted – every major promise broken, many statements about
the way you are not true “oh I just need praise once in a while,” “I don’t care
if I never have sex,” [Jan 2000,] saying you want to spend a long time with me,
having sex and saying you love it and hooking up with John just 5 days later…
Oh! John’s different… maybe, but that does not change your behavior with me and
if I made you insecure you could have said that… but, I bet the moment he does
not satisfy you’re thinking I’m out of here except that you’re scared to be
alone
C. [To Marta,
July 2001] You push me away. And its not just when I
want to eat you. Its also when I want to touch your
breasts and when I want to touch your pussy with my fingers. And you are even
ambivalent about me eating you. Sometimes you like it - perhaps even while it
is a problem. I have told you this over and over and over. And you don't seem
to hear. The pushing away is not only just for sex. You are ambivalent about
everything. I know now that sometimes when you get angry or just leave… you
were asking for something; I wish I could have realized that – even
intellectually; all the time you were asking me to touch you it did not sound
like that; and since January you have been saying that we were as good as
broken up, it was over, but at the same time you were in fact hoping… but,
despite tears, it did not seem like you were hoping – you would say “I am done
crying”; I now realize you really did not mean it was over until you announced
in May [the 16th] “its over”; and even then I think you were open; I
now realize all this – too late I suppose; but even now, I might understand it
intellectually but it would be hard to understand in my heart what you are asking
for when it sounds like something else.
D. Non-sexual
things I experience as pushing. Flirting, putting me down in public including
behind my back – others have asked me “what was that about”; putting me down in
private just because you somehow feel “less” or something; especially in
relation to my project; and that puzzles me that you should feel that way
because I truly think you are smart; and whatever you have said, while you were
thinking you were stupid or something, I was thinking you were smart; for
example the thing about choice; although I don’t agree with your view your
arguments for it were excellent – in fact the standard arguments that people
have come up with; I think you must have a self-image problem; this sometimes
borders on paranoia; I truly think counseling / medication would help.
Sabotaging attempts to communicate, resolve. “Running” away; running away is
sabotage even if its not intended to be; and running away, leaving, is said to
be harder to deal with than directly abusive behavior. I said somewhere
that you never really demanded sex, you asked nicely; you may have been feeling
you were demanding. However, when things went wrong you associated anger with
sex; getting pissed off. Many times. I can’t remember exactly when this started
but it was probably April 2000. Not being expressive about sexual needs in the
moment – and then complaining. Not having a relationship routine – some routine
does not mean all routine and with some routine the gain is much better than
the small loss in spontaneity; not contributing to housework and similar stuff;
not helping with housework and related things are not pushing – I did not mind
them in themselves – I truly enjoyed doing stuff for you / for the
relationship; but your doing them would have made for something and
counterbalanced the pushing. Most of the things mentioned in this paper; not
planning or committing; saying you don’t plan when you do; the change in your
behavior when I moved into your house; part of that might be I entered your
space “the lionesses den” the place where you go when you need renewal; the
place where you are “yourself”; but it may have felt to you this is my temple
that Anil has entered and that could be true despite your being comfortable
with my presence; also not being hospitable to my friends was not exactly a
pushing but it was not a bonding; being or acting like you are unaware of your
own actions and contributions; “abandoning” me for other people – the only ones
I care for are Ellen and Berry, some others I experience as “gross” – its true
I feel that and am apologetic about that feeling because they have seemed good
to/for you; I’m truly sorry you did not get what you wanted in our
relationship; I hope you don’t get hurt in your new circumstances; I still love
you so much that if someone hurts you I’ll get pissed; a pissed Anil – cold
anger which you have not seen not hot which you have seen is not something you
have not seen someone wants; I don’t mean temper tantrum I mean pissed; its not
something I have often and I do not have it now; oh shit, oh shit, oh shit – I
hurt, I miss you despite all the bullshit, all the pain, and want you back even
though its stupid, I miss shape of head, I miss your pussy, tummy, pubes, arms,
lovely legs, asshole with bird’s beak, hearing “I love you, Anil”, I miss your
being pissed – no I don’t – yes I do – no I don’t – but I do want you; that’s
what all this anger thing, fault thing, blame thing, rationalizing thing is all
fucking about, I want, I want, I want; and if we were to ever get back I will
experience all this stuff as pushing – unless you truly loved me and showed
that: love would cure; you’d have to have a number of good showers though.
Talking somewhat elliptically because I do not want to be explicit.
E.
You don't hear. You interpret. You once said that is
all there is - interpretation. That's not true. Even if its
true its not true. How? After the interpretation, you can look again to see if its true. Or, you can ask for a clarification. Then you
interpret again - that's reinterpretation! So there's your first interpretation
and there's reinterpretation. But, I guess that for you what I said is not true
is true because you have a tendency to immediately be sure you know what I mean
and then stick to that and refuse to change sometimes getting extremely angry
if I tell you that your reading of what I said is incorrect. So, there’s a
backlog – a mountain – of stuff that never happened that is between you and
reality. Oftentimes I agree with you just temporarily to see what point is
being made. Often a complaint remains unresolved because, as is natural in
talking, we go on to something else – but then because it was not resolved you
believe you are correct in knowing what I meant or what “really” happened. This
and a lot else is explained by “its all about me.”
Even when you say “I don’t know what you think.” Its
going to be confusing if you think everything I say or think is about you.
F.
The result of all this? We never got around, I
think, to dealing with the truth of some key areas that were vital to our
relationship. We were dealing with action, reaction. It amounts to sabotage –
not necessarily conscious or intentional.
G. You’re
unfair. The point is not that life is supposed to be fair but some fairness in
areas of difference is needed for any workable, good relationship. When you
went away on a weekend and then came back a day early you did not contact me
for a whole day. When I did the same thing for two days… and, somehow you
totally discounted that the first thing I did after I did a little unpacking
and showered was go over to your house and knock on the door. You said you
could never trust me again; you were incredibly angry. And you wonder why
something changed. Tell the truth don’t you have a destructive pattern then
blame the other person… so you can go from relationship to relationship never
getting anything real, fully real and continue to think “O, its not my fault
except that I choose the wrong type. I choose the unavailable” – forget that
you make yourself difficult to approach. I know that if someone did to me what
I did to you I would not react the way you did – yes I would be upset and hurt.
How do I know? Because its happened to me. Once was
for a week or more and did not even tell me where she went; and the second was
you! I did not lose trust over that. You were extremely upset when I skinny
dipped even though there was nothing sexual etc. When have you ever considered
not flirting when you know it hurt me? There are more examples but I am tired
of thinking of them.
H. You forget
that you are not very expressive and expect the other person to do all the
expression - especially sex… and get pissed when they didn’t do what you did
even less.
I.
Details: Thinking about your complaints
[on the mattress on the kitchen floor] – “if you love me you’d touch me even if
it did not turn you on.” This ignores your own ambivalence about sex. In the
beginning, “I don’t care if I never have sex again”, later pushing away so much
and not just in one way and what is that if it isn’t ambivalence. So you had a
reason… but “if you loved me” or yourself you wouldn’t have done
that. And, I do want to do things to you; but the conflict is not that you
threw a fit or pressured but the real conflict for me, I admit this, is my own
pressures of my own life and "ego" - dealing with harshness. But this
all forgets that you did and do turn me on and its not
a lack of that but, I feel, repeated pushing away that made me hesitant. I used
a cage analogy – its not a good one. So when you say
the only time I have sex is when you ask or throw a fit… that’s true but not
because you did not turn me on. Ask me anytime to have sex… and I will and not
just because you ask but because I assume that when you ask there will not
necessarily be pushing away. And, there’s one more thing that is different now.
Where, before I saw pushing away, I now know that its
not truly rejection but an expression of your own “insecurities” [quotes
because I’m not sure it’s the right word.] The other complaint on the mattress
– I blocked your flow with a trivial aside. I understand your feeling but that
was your feeling and not what I did. And I try but you are really easy to hurt.
I love and want your flow. “No asides” - no that is not human;
I do not want to walk on eggshells. I once said you need someone your age… but
I now think its not that but you need someone more
conservative especially in sex. You want to be free, but for your security you
need your b/f to be conservative. ¨ When you go on the attack – a backlog. 1. Facts get changed
or forgotten, examples above. 2. You insist you know what I thought and meant –
what is that about? 3. You do attack. But the following is intolerable: 4.
Sabotage attempts to focus on what is really happening – even focus on just
feelings; I think all sabotage, much of the anger is a defense against facing
yourself and how you treat others in relationships. 5. Hit and run. No I don’t
want all that whatever the reason, and no I don’t accept “you asked” as an justification for being destructive. And when you do
attack there is such a backlog of complaints we’ll never know what is real –
see item A, above. ¨ You said
you’ve done much more than I’ve done. Not true. Then you say what I did didn’t
count. You forget that you reject what I did that might have counted according
to you. I do believe, though, that you have done and tried much. ¨ The house is OK for 3 months,
but as a place to be together its all wrong. The
dungeon is dank and freezing – what a place to make love. You walked away from
the “headache from the icky pill encounter” in a freezing room… not knowing
that I am always up for pills and love: warm mornings / light rooms. Other
things about the house… And, something changed when I moved in – your
initiative went [way?] down. ¨ After
months of rejection, anger, walking away, passion gets clouded by uncertainty.
In my heart you are still my most beautiful sexy girl… I want to be yours
forever. At the same time I am truly afraid that if we continued… we would
severely mess each other up. I think we can both use counseling. What would
happen at the end of that? At least the strength and vision to face reality. ¨ You say “I don’t plan”, “I don’t
commit” – but you plan and commit all the time. But not for who counts most. A
relationship is commitment. OK, what about day to day? Surely, I can and have
been [very] flexible. But… here’s a solution. In a relationship you
spend some time together – have a fraction of that time committed, say 1/5.
Then 4/5 of the time you’re still free. But 1/5 you are not. That’s not a real
sacrifice – even if it feels like one. And the payoff is better than the
sacrifice it feels like. The relationship becomes real. And, you stand to gain
real good time, fun. So, sure committing 100% of togetherness time is weird,
relationships should be flexible – more flexible than work – but… zero
commitments? ¨ You make
things impossible… who are you going to enjoy? You said I did not keep my
commitment to not drink on some occasion. The only time I committed –
and that’s different than you thinking something I said for myself is a
commitment to you – was at Pinewood Cove and even then there was confusion
about what was the drinking evening. According to your standards everyone is
immoral. I feel a need to say something about honesty. Its purposes include
trust and it requires that one search ones hidden motives because it includes
giving the truth and not just telling the truth. Another example of
impossibility. You criticize my driving. You said I exceed the speed limit and
other complaints. When we were coming back from a vacation you drove 65/55 all
the time; you justified going fast on a slick, muddy road with “thrills are
fun” – no problem with the speed or, really, with the “fun”. But then you are
totally inconsistent, demanding a behavior that you don’t give; and regardless
of whether that’s wrong, its impossible. ¨ You’ve minimized me / us. It’s
not an ego thing, my ego can handle it. But it is a destructive thing; when you
minimize others you minimize relationships and yourself and wanting a good
relationship is inconsistent with that.
J.
So, then what? It seems that there’s such a backlog
of issues, nothing could ever work. I don’t agree with that. Firstly, there is
potential. Second, there is love. And, I think the solution is simple. The
solution is not resolve all the issues I brought up
and other ones that you may have and that could be brought up. The solution is
dealing with how we relate. Obviously, since our efforts failed, outside help
[counseling for us together] would help. I also think counseling for you would
help [I’m doing that now, myself.]
K. I no
longer feel “betrayal”. I felt that partly because you said you were not
looking for another b/f; five days before you said – [7/15] after work – you
had a crush on someone we had enjoyed sex; you said with passion “I hope we can
be together – for a very long time.” Probably not an exact quote. Regardless, I
allowed myself to have hope. Then you said one morning you said you had been
through so much you would not mind if you died. That was hard for me and
somehow that was mixed into my general emotional state at the time. I was
staying an extra month to help out; we had acknowledged that we were laying the
basis for a good friendship. The feeling of betrayal was the loss of hope; and I
mistakenly placed the responsibility for that loss on you. But I have resolved
that mistake.
L.
I need to say something about your complaints about
me at work. I am not saying that there are no faults. You said I’m
passive-aggressive with authority. What is true is that I never have had a
problem with competent authority. But authority that is not competent or just
applied because it can be applied and not because it is necessary is something
I have never been good at. In some ways this is a fault but in other ways it is
a good thing because it can make some things better. Are some examples needed?
The first one is being given contradictory “orders” by different charge nurses
at the same time – especially when the supervisor is not working because then
its not clear who is really in charge but even when the supervisor is working
because then someone is going to get pissed; this one is a frequent complaint
by Mhw’s and most just live with it; I’m sorry but I
don’t; also when one nurse gives a non-essential order [one not involving
health, safety or money] to a Mhw who is already
doing numerous things; and then gets pissed when the already time-stressed Mhw does not jump. The thing about putting sodas in the
fridge, Gazella asked me to do that and I said to her
that so many times the patient does not, then, get the soda at all even when
discharged, Lisa gave the opinion “the sodas should be in the frig” but I
disagree and she does not make policy, and unless the patient is the kind who
asks for their sodas it’s a choice between a warm soda or no soda and, besides,
if the soda is warm it does not take too long to become cold; and, in any case,
what Gazella could/should have done would be to say,
either, “that’s OK” or “sodas must be put in the frig” nurses have the right to
question Doctors and Mhw’s have the right to question
nurses and Doctors; and its then up to whoever is in charge to take command and
not be quiet. So many times I have heard nurses make disparaging remarks about
the Mhw role, even you and Greg sitting at the
nursing station where all can hear – I’m not saying this to complain but to
show that you have a built in attitude of expecting Mhw’s
to jump even though you mostly behave otherwise; and its probably that you only
have a transference [etc.] reaction at times; it is still true that you have
never approached me with a problem to discuss calmly, and rationally –
rationally means expecting to hear what the other says and that they may have
good points. And, you have to agree – well you do not have to agree but I think
its true that you are not cool with challenges and see
simple things as challenges even though you try to portray something else.
True, I am somewhat challenging. Someone said something about my being
someone’s favorite; someone else said something about my education; but the
personality you see now was there even when I was six and my Dad was a large
220 lb angry threatening man; and you could say that that formed my
personality; in way; but it was already there to some extent because it did not
affect my brother the same way; and its still true that in many ways I’m one of
the best team players that we have especially when safety and so on are of
concern. And, as you know from personal experience, when there’s no money to be
earned no coworkers or supervisors to impress you are the one who is
reactionary and totally lazy and not contributing to the common work. Another
example of incompetent leadership, not yours, but when nurses – especially Gazella – want us to force a patient to stay in the
seclusion room unlocked. That is illegal and therefore exposes us to a number
of problems beyond the obvious that someone can complain; also, if someone is
hurt it exposes the facility to lawsuits because we were doing something
illegal; and it does expose other people to being hurt; so I don’t plan to be
part of forcing a patient to stay in the room without locking when staff and
patient are subject to injure. I am just stating this as one example; there are
many, many examples of bad leadership and that is very hard for me to live
with. I don’t think I’ve challenged something from Amy or Cindy but then I
don’t remember when I was given a conflicting order and I know that they can
accept when I say I have a problem, especially Cindy. I have a time problem.
When I “make an appointment with myself”, an example would be to go to a movie
I am always late and that is not passive-aggressive but time unawareness. Its
not even unawareness but poor perception because I’m aware and I think “Oh, I
have 30 minutes left so I can do this and that and that” when I do not have the
time but I think I do. If I’m relaxed I can manage the time but I allow myself
to get into pressure. And no matter how much I resolve to change I creep back.
I suppose a military crack down might change me and that might not be bad.
Anyway the time thing affects two things – getting to work on time and rounds.
Now one might imagine that the charge nurses would take people’s strengths into
account when making assignments but, no, it does not seem to occur to anyone…
or we have to be scrupulously fair. That someone could do rounds, meals and
more back when there was only one mental health worker is irrelevant. I’m sure
I could compensate by doing linen always and something else. Anyway, fire me or
get off my back. Next, a rather serious complaint. You said that other Mhw’s complain, but it also seems from what people have
told me that you complain about me in public and when I was not there – that is
unprofessional if forgivable since you were my girl friend and therefore also
subject to stress. But its still unprofessional and
can be seen as encouraging other people especially mhw’s
to complain perhaps more than they should. It is easy for an unhappy person to
want to complain and encouragement helps. There are all sorts of reasons why
people might exaggerate complaints and your job as CN is to neither exaggerate
nor minimize. But, since you have 301.83 characteristics, you tend to see
things black and white and to paranoid interpretations. The fact that you are
usually able to keep your feelings under tabs is amazing and to your credit.
I’m never saying that I don’t have faults. That’s human nature. But it’s 301.83
nature to blame the other. Your paranoia, and other
301.83 tendencies make for a minimization of your faults and exaggeration of
the other’s and near impossibility of resolution. One of your great talents is
appearing pretty, while making the other look like an asshole. As I said you’re
lucky I love you, that I have a conscience and that I’m not manipulative and
that I’ve never been under extreme duress. The closer you are the harder is
resolution. I know you well, probably better than anyone in some ways.
Probably, Jay and I have known you. And, in our own ways loved you. And in this
way I feel a brotherhood with him but of course in no way do I condone his
behavior and in no way do I wish him upon you. Good and evil can coexist and it
did in him. It does in me except you will probably never see that. My evil
would come out if someone harmed someone I loved – my brother, you, my
daughter; or perhaps under extreme duress. I’m glad that in my relationship
with you I never came close to that duress. In some ways I have taken
advantage, no point elaborating I’m sure we could do that and that needs to
change, I agree. In defense I could only say that I intended no harm; but that
does not make it right it just makes it not viciously wrong. Why did you not
encourage others to talk to me; and why did you not yourself? True, I can be
resistant, but my claim is that you did not try. I have not and will never make
a real complaint without talking to the person. You stated two examples of
complaints. I think its relevant that the two
examples, the ones sticking strongly in your mind, are, even by your admission
not good ones. Its typical that you then say, “I don’t
want to discuss this anymore”. Hit and run. How far can you run when you don’t
even need to. Its sad that
probably an abusive boyfriend can handle you. One had to do with helping a
patient make a phone call – you asked me to do that. Gail, the other RN that
evening, at the same time felt that another patient was an MAB risk and wanted
to pay attention to that and had specifically asked me to help. I know you felt
that that patient was not a risk. But I’m sure that there was a chance of an
assault and besides, I was given contradictory requests by two RNs and chose
what seemed to me to be the higher priority – safety. So, even though you were
stressed, its an example of poor leadership. The second
example was when you asked me something about some patients
property. I did nothing and continued to eat. Actually, my first response
before you asked me to do anything and before I knew you were involved was “why
is the patient asking for property and consistently at the nursing station at
M. In the
last paragraph I was emphasizing your contribution. I do not want to minimize
mine and so I mentioned my contribution. But since you have so ably emphasized
mine I thought that I should emphasize yours. I hope you never read this. I
love you. I know that if we spent time together, at home, we could overcome our
problems. Towards the end, I noticed that some things were beginning to iron
out. Our rough edges were beginning to fit. From my example, you were, I think,
beginning to feel that doing house work was not only not grungy but part of
team work and making a better relationship. There were signs that sex might get
better again. There were signs that things would work. I think you know this
and I think you also know that I was at least ½ responsible. Even at work it is
recognized that I am good at mediation. My second greatest critic, Jannee, said that; she also added that I can be very
nurturing when I choose to be. That is an interesting way of putting it. But
this stuff was beginning to come out. Its unfortunate that you and “” got
together because, long term, I think we had a better chance of a good
relationship for both of us. We’ll see. But, if not for you, its
certainly a tragedy for me. I still feel loyal to you but I’m determined to get
over the loyalty but not the love. Anyway, I hope you never read this, because
the problems are not problems and would only become problems if you or someone
begins to do so at work. Then I might need to speak out on my own behalf.
N. Here I’m
probably repeating – that’s because this letter was not written at once, and
what I’m repeating is to pull some threads together. Your behavior changed the
day I started living at
O. Having
bitched, I realize: I still love you very much. I can forgive everything. There
is nothing to really forgive; I can accept of what I complain; but it makes it
difficult. But, reason says, though I love you and can forgive,
a relationship with you, since we failed, would require counseling and reasons
to trust.