Saturday July 21, 2001
Dear Marta
I no longer feel “betrayal”. I felt that partly because you had said you were not looking for another boyfriend; just five days before you said recently – late Sunday night after work – you had a crush on someone else we had had sex; and you said with passion “I hope we can be together; I hope we can be together for a very long time.” Probably not an exact quote. Regardless, I allowed myself to have hope. Then you said one morning you said you had been through so much you would not mind if you died. That was hard for me and somehow that was mixed into my general emotional state at the time. I was staying an extra month to help out; we had acknowledged that we were laying the basis for a good friendship. I no longer feel “betrayal”. More accurately, I do not feel that you betrayed me. The feeling of betrayal was the loss of hope; and I mistakenly placed the responsibility for that loss on you. But I have resolved that mistake.
Of course I care for you and miss you. I truly hope you have happiness and fulfillment of dreams. I hope your health is good and I wish I could “be there” for you.
At this point there is [obviously] no basis for me to hope for or place trust in a committed love relation with you. It is important for me be there for me; and there are others who are there for you.
In addition to garbage cans, I may have left some maps of Copper Canyon in your house. I bought three little glass containers for you.
What I want is for part of my feeling of love for you to die – just that part that makes me need, want and miss you and makes me feel strange at you seeing someone else. I’m not there yet but the journey has begun. It helps that you have been “running away” for a while.
Thinking about the future… It’s not impossible that we could find a mutual interest in “love” again. After the part of love that I want to die is dead I may not have an interest in that. But there are also positives and it is true that you have not been a casual love for me – you have not been the kind if we break up, it hardly matters; it has mattered more than anything else – in my heart… There definitely are positive aspects and potentials to our relationship. There are, though, practical problems – our hopes for our lives… But even if these issues are resolved, there is a basic problem with how we relate when we encounter problems. We have tried and so I think outside help would be needed. It’s possible that resolution of the practical problems would help but I think that counseling would be essential to help establish effective ways of relating and coping… and there would be no guarantees of the outcome. I’m not sure that it is good idea to bring up this point – I don’t want it to seem as though I am asking for something or interfering with your life [although I am in some ways and, still, at some times wanting you – I cannot help that even though it will make my life easier when I stop that wanting]. But the future is unpredictable feelings come and go; people change; things go in a full circle. So I do think it is a good idea to tell you what I think would be necessary.
Anil