August 22, 2000

Dearest Marta,

I think about how much and how I love and like you. I think you know I write notes when I hike - write down my inspirations… On the 19^th I wrote “What is this exquisite feeling that is for this person?”… Its not a feeling about a particular part or aspect, it is -the image in my head and heart of- who you are. Something not felt before - in my life. When the feeling is powerful it is mind bending - perhaps because I’m not used to it… and because of the potential for good and for loss.

My dreams.

Relationships- what makes love good is “not only gazing into each others eyes, but also gazing out onto the world together.”

My project- I’m reminded of what you said once about a relationships: you don’t want one just because the alternative is scary. That’s sort of what I think about [my] life - I don’t want a life just because the alternative is scary. It is a little strange to me to call it “my project” because its more than just a project or just one project… but its easy to call it that. I want to do the utmost with my life and that’s the project - “What is the ultimate thing I can do and be?” There is a bit of a struggle in my head and heart as to what that is. You have an idea of what the project is. Then I also think about more conventional things like contributing to the place I live - America; like career. But despite this kind of struggle -the temptations of power and money- my main ambition that is the project has been with me for a long time. My relations with the project -like me- are complex. I’ve made sacrifices but gotten rewards. Sometimes its hard but I think creative attempts have that. A lot of the time, its real play. It’s both play and work.

That’s not a complete account of my dreams… just some thoughts.

Dreaming…

Relationship - we love each other, like each other, are good for each other. Gazing at each other. I do a lot of gazing at you… and when you are not there -on my trip- gazing in my mind at my image of you. The hair; the body that is tough in some ways and fragile in others; the walk… And gazing out onto the universe together [shared things, “experiments”…]

Place to live - natural location where we can look out and see something that is comforting, reassuring and also a call to adventure. Where I live sometimes does that for me when I can look into the distance from my sun-deck.

House - comfortable, space for togetherness and independence - and our interests. Warm, inviting. Some place for guests.

Us - you’re 92 and I’m 110. We’re gazing still. Bodies are fragile but we still love them. I give your lovely pubes a kiss and you say “mmm.” We hug and feel good. We feel warm. We look back with satisfaction on our lives and sharing.

You - your dreams dreamed and realized.

Our kids. Carissa gets on the “right track”… for her sake, not mine; I love her as she is. Jessie dreams and realizes her dreams. Could say more but this letter is about us.

My project - all phases complete [ask me what they are] - or, at least, progress on some really main goals -the main goal. The “last” phase is the social one… “application.” A research group founded and funded and I function as an adviser leaving the work to younger, energetic and smarter people. Etc. Mainly, I want satisfaction of something really well done, a contribution.

Problems - too much to ask for none. As you would say that would be boring. But - problems overcome, love despite issues… that seems like a good relationship.

The “For Marta” letter… reply to your reply

I’m pleased and challenged that you are willing to “try experiments for me.” This pleases me immensely but is also a challenge for me. Why is it a challenge? Because the main ambition is ambitious and so how do I come up with experiments that are not just “games” and that really do point at the objective. I ask myself am I up to it. And if not, then you will know that… and that’s part of the challenge. I have thought about these experiments for quite some time… and have done or am doing some of them. This last trip I thought about the experiments in a concrete way. What are the experiments needed to show what I think I’d like to show - of course that’s an open question because they might show something else including that what I want to show is wrong. Or they might be wishy-washy and show nothing. But that’s the first concrete thing: relating the experiments to the goal as I see it now. And that’s why I’m thinking there are three types of experiments and if I haven’t indicated to you what they are - the quest for vision paper may be not clear or specific - I can do that. I’m working on a more together and more concrete version of that paper, made some progress on the trip. The second concrete thing is what experiments can be done here and now and that, too, is in the new version of “quest for vision and being.”

When you “try experiments for me” I hope they are for you too at least in that you enjoy the process, or learn or get something out of it. So, hope that the experiments are for us. Also I would like your input. What kind of experiences and experiments are relevant to the goals. What do you think of the goals - your response already said something about and was, generally, more positive about the goals than I always am - in part due to self-criticism. And specifically, what experiments can you do and would you like to do. Yes, I agree two people is better than one. Better than two times better than one because there’s also the interaction between the people. Would it be measurable, i.e. could we draw concrete conclusions. Logical questions like this are important if we want to draw conclusions. Here is something I learned about science, mathematics and creativity when one is pushing forward the boundaries. We do not know what we are looking for of course or else they wouldn’t be the boundaries. So, you have to use imagination, make guesses. Use whatever means to make a guess: wild imagination, half-logic, a mixture of imagination and logic… does not matter whether right or wrong… first make the guess. The mixture of wild imagination, half-logic and intuition is to help make the guess a good one but not necessarily right. When the guess is made then be concerned about how to prove it, experiment, criticize it. That’s an interactive process -not just one step- with guesses and criticism interacting and making each other and the process better. And the guesses and the criticism include not just the conclusions but how we get there. How to make better guesses, how to criticize better… what is science? That latter concept is not a given thing -but not totally open either- but itself is and has been in evolution… though when I was taught it - it was sometimes taught as a fixed accomplished thing. I hope this is not too much rambling.

Since you asked me to comment on your understanding of “For Marta” I will. Before commenting - as I’ve said many times I think you are intelligent… and make good responses - ideas, understanding, criticism even about things with which you are not familiar. The letter had two parts. What am I trying to do - and what was the path that led up to that. Your response focused on the first part which is the more important part. I’m not seeing any fundamental misunderstanding of what I’m trying to do. Some part of your understanding you stated in a very nice way - “an exciting gift”… that’s actually more ambitious than I often think - but I would like it to be a gift. Except, I think the fundamental truths should be accessible to anyone who wants to see and that would be part of the gift to others - that their own search and their own way is more important than what I think is the/a way. It would be nice if I had an effect both in terms of having a positive effect and in terms of confirmation of what I am attempting. The first part of the letter had some conceptual background to what I’m trying why I think its possible and how it might be done. I’m not sure how clear that was or how much of it I succeeded in communicating to you because you didn’t discuss it. But I do think its important because its part of the reason why I would select some experiments… and because it shows how I think that the potential is more than is commonly thought and that a reason for that is that the universe is different than commonly thought. And one interesting thing is that although science is not necessary to arrive at this understanding, it is one path to the understanding.

Living together

The idea of trying that seems right. I want to go into that with love and a commitment to each other to encourage the best in each other and in the relationship and that even if it does not work out we can still love each other, be supportive. I wrote this note on the trip “Try all.” There’s a bunch of practical considerations that we’ve talked about. Togetherness and space. I think a little scheduling, not too compulsively, could be good. Individual agendas and giving it a chance so that we know what its like. That it may be a good idea at some point to get another place.

Other girlfriends - the plastic kind

You mentioned some concerns in this area and I want to respond. I don’t know what you are currently thinking but I’m just addressing what I think are the concerns.

Although computers are important to me now it is not my plan or hope that they always be important. I can’t fully predict the future but I can share some thoughts. I do enjoy computes in some ways. There is challenge of understanding and using them in creative ways. One area of experiments is can computers think? Are they conscious? I do not think that they are currently. But they could be sometime in the future, especially if they evolve. One thing I definitely do think is the following. Even if computers do not think or are not conscious they have much, much potential. PC’s give very little indication of the potential. But here is what I think the potential may be - even if computers don’t think or are conscious. There is an interaction between human thinking, human consciousness and machine processing and, in some ways the whole is greater than the sum of the parts. There’s potential for experiments here and I have actually done some small experiments and had success. I designed an application that actually showed me [I think] something about Evolution and Design. Ask me about that some time. Have to admit that in some cases the whole is less than the sum of the parts. Example: two good people in a destructive relationship. Also, I think that there are two good approaches to discovering/creating computer potential [that are different than what is popularly thought.] The first is developing computers to do what they can be good at instead of mimicking human intelligence. And the second is, if computers can think/be conscious, a path to that is in interaction with humans - rather than as alternative to human intelligence etc. Why is all that interesting? Something like two forms of thinking, of consciousness, of being shows us something more than just one form [life]. The main importance of computers is the help in my project. That was the reason I bought my computer and it has helped me in more ways than I had thought. Some things that I thought it would do did not work out.

I do hope because of added flexibility, if/when I have enough money, to buy a notebook computer… and I do not want it to be a source of worry [etc.] to you or detract from relationship or be a source of conflict.

My project - pressures

That leads in to some pressures on us due to the project. Perhaps its not just the project, perhaps its us but that’s not the point I want to discuss here.

There has been pressure - working at SV, paying attention to you - something I like and enjoy, and the work: focus and getting things done.

However, I am slowly becoming aware of something new. Looking back over this year I am seeing that I have actually gotten a significant amount of stuff done and uploaded a lot of new material to the WebSite. That’s not a new recognition and I’ve said this before. Here’s what is new. I am learning to cope and even the focus is getting sharper. This makes me not just hopeful but, at times excited - that I’m getting stuff done, I’m getting some good focus… and I “have” you; and the combination is powerful when it clicks. I am specially appreciating that, despite pressures that you feel, despite the occasional bitch, you have been accommodating and supportive and I hope this rewards both of us. Meanwhile, if there’s a problem for you please bring it up. Definitely, I feel the problems as difficult but, looking back, they are also challenges which can be addressed and, perhaps, overcome or resolved. Just the attempt to address the issues is healthy, and overcoming / resolving even if partially is rewarding. I think / hope this process can make our relationship stronger.

Sex

This is a problem area. I can’t solve it by writing a letter and that’s not what I’m trying to do. Just want to put down some thoughts. You sometimes think I don’t think you are sexy. That’s not true and what’s happening -seems to me- is like this… Before I plunge in, I want to say that I don’t think your reaction is unreasonable or wrong or unusual or anything like that. I’ve thought about how you said I’m being kind. Well its true that I do often -not just with you- try to be kind. But I hope you believe I’m telling the truth. Being kind in the short term is being stupid in the long term and for the whole of the relationship. The first thing is my performance problem. This includes not just getting hard but also how hard and how long. I wondered how it would be in a relationship and now I have an idea. And, though there may be solutions, the problem is real. While its disappointing for you it’s the same for me because both sex and you are lovely. Next thing: there are things that I love to do - and can do- because you are you and because you are sexy. Knees getting week just thinking of it. But, some of these things are uncomfortable for you. And sometimes you get upset. Just as I don’t blame me for getting hard I’m not blaming you for being you. Next thing. If its uncomfortable for you its less of a turn for me. Its still true though that I hope [because it feels great and makes for closeness in a good way] we can get some, lots of good solid fucking done. I hope that.

Problems can’t be waved away. I like, though, to hear the following words: “Anil, this is an issue, but I still love you and want you.”

I also hope you don’t think I’m just sitting here not caring for your needs, hopes, desires, ambitions… I hope that this caring comes through at least a little in actions, not just words. If we are together, I hope it’s a partnership based on caring and helping… an environment that is good for each person’s “soul.” I know you care for me.

Other problems

I was not thinking to bring up all issues in this letter… but please feel free to talk about anything.

Missing

Its not that I don’t miss. Many times on the trip I thought “Wish she was here” ‘cause I wanted your presence. One time climbing up Long Canyon the wildflowers were just lovely and I wished you were there because you love flowers. The flowers bloom late at the higher elevations and this was close to. Up the Canyon I met a woman who was packing in gear for some bow hunters. She works for Coffee Creek Ranch and I got a phone number. Called them and found it would cost about $240 to pack in stuff and an extra $60 for an animal for you to ride in. Not sure whether that included packing out but its downhill so would be easier and if we did not take the house with us I could pack stuff out. Back to missing. Being loved adds a quality to the whole world, makes it a nicer place to live in. Perhaps if you were bitchy I would miss you more.

Exquisite

What’s exquisite? Everything. You might not believe or have difficulty believing… but its part of the mind bending thing. Am looking forward to your red hair.

Emails

Thank you for the emails. Its v. nice to be loved. Your CCV and IIM email was funny to read. Glad the probation thing seems to be going in a good direction. Glad you enjoyed time with the wild bunch - the girls.

Communication

I think this is the other area that needs work. That sounds better than “it’s a problem.” Comparing with other people I don’t think we’re getting an A… but we aren’t getting an F or a D either. I do think we’ve both created an environment where its sometimes difficult to talk at times - but we do talk and we’ve both tried to be accommodating. Am not judging that its more you or me. But I think that’s the main thing… we ought to feel comfortable each saying whatever and hearing whatever [assuming the intentions are right, that no one’s being just plain mean] even if its repetitious, its obvious, or its [I recognize there are limits] difficult to hear. I’m thinking the more we do that now the more we will understand each other and the less we will have to do repetition etc. later.

Communication makes for closeness. Even when an issue remains an issue, we can know -at least- that we can talk about it [not to death] and still care and accept… and when something is not acceptable. And even if not acceptable its good to know that lines of communication are open so that even when something that is or seems like a difficult issue we know the other person cares and is open to resolution. The other aspect I’m thinking is that not talking can make non-problems problems.

You once said I explain simple things. I hope the last paragraph was not that. Anyway, saying things does not mean I think you do not know. It could mean that I don’t know whether you know. Or it could be because sometimes obvious things need to be said because they’re being ignored or because non-obvious things are consequences. Or it could be an attempt to see if we’re on the same page. Or it might be obvious to you but not to me. Or it could just be me rambling. Or it could be the old ego and I hope you can forgive that.

My trip

I enjoyed parts of it - the wild flowers, the hike up Long Canyon on the second day was lovely. And I made sure to eat a good breakfast with carbohydrates and so had good energy… so felt fit climbing. I know though that I’m not as strong as when younger and so I had to pace myself whereas before I would have just raced up. But I know that I’m going to have to push much harder to get a mind alteration from physical exertion and consequent alteration in neurochemistry. Had some thoughts on the “experiments in being” nothing profound but some practical points and possibilities. I don’t mind having less endurance in one way. Having to work with limitations, I think, is a form of contact with what is real… I had a moment of insight and contact with the universe in the hike up the Canyon and it was basically the same insight, in another way, as I had last year. Had some good insights on various points, some philosophical, some on my life, some on Marta reflected in other parts of this letter. The canyon is beautiful with vistas up the Canyon to Bee Tree Gap, the first pass at 7550' and then from the gap, looking back down the canyon different rock formations, stands of pine, meadows lush green from springs and streams and in the distance, Trinity Lake, more hills and mountains and, I need to check the map to make sure, Mount Lassen. Saw deer -you always see deer in the Trinities- lots of birds including hawk and eagle but no bear, coyote or mountain lion. Lots of pesky chipmunk trying to nibble at my food. Lots of humans, too many for my taste, even though they were nice. The place is an insect lovers paradise but as far as irritating insects only a few mosquitoes at evening at the lower elevations. I achieved the aims of it being a “shake down” trip in terms of fitness, gear and supplies.

Love,

Anil