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Marta
The condition will progress –
“old”
My own disappointment
Not giving you what you want
The pressures of my own life
Alienating behaviors
Resistance and withdrawal – I
understand this differently now
Different rules
Today my strength and sense
of being returned and centered. I know I love, want and care for you and only
you… It is warm and the trail is steep and uphill. I climbed 2500 feet –not
much by standards –but good enough for me… and I feel energy. I could go on but
I stay at the Middle Fork of Rattlesnake Creek to appreciate the place. I feel
present. The light, the warmth, the blue sky, the cool breezes, the crystal
pools… my mood needs no explanation. Yesterday I saw no sense to life.
I can try to stay in the
Arcata area, try to get work. There are phases of the project to work on. At
the rate I’m going I probably will not get out of the area before next summer…
unless I see no way out, and to experiment. But I need progress, exercise and
diversion. I must avoid too much alcohol to conserve resources. I think we need
a combination of structure and spontaneity. We need planning to meet mutual
needs. Planning need not be concrete, and can flex to the situation. If the
future does meet the plan the plan can meet the future.
Long term: how to formulate
our issues.
Economic status is
important… for the freedoms that we want.
Chaos2: chaos
about whether is an issue.
To f/u, find god/devil,
nothingness…