As I think, this morning, about my life, and as if I had a life and it is not just feeling someone… I feel that something is missing; very missing as if kisses upon empty space or caresses with stone

I do not want to elaborate or provide measure – too much enumeration is a pointer to and displaces what is missing

Something to do with reality, connection to the world and people, grounding and feeling at home

These are my measure. As I say to my close friends, I am the least intellectual of us all

Waiting for intuition

It is a goal for the coming year and, perhaps for the rest of my life to find my way intuitively to that center that I seek

For revelation, I should balance motion with rhythm and waiting or acceptance. I would wait for the center to be revealed before I attempt to name or enumerate it

Wholeness and ground

One of the inspirations this year’s Journey is precisely this inspiration: my desire for wholeness and ground

How to weave this into ‘Journey in Being,’ to continue with the journey and to be part of all being – earth, sky and flesh

To allow reality to speak through rather than be obscured by the journey

Being in my body

I want to be real – to be in my body, to know my mind, to sleep and wake under skies and clouds, amid trees

Place is my deepest question

Getting out of the shadow

I am living in the shadow of the accomplishment of the past year when being was revealed and center and edge seen as one

Living in the center: home

I go back to the Trinity Alps because, beyond inspiration, there is the center and the connection and home

The coming year: placement

… And various modifications to ‘Journey in Being’ in New Ideas

… And experiments

I learnt again that the best preparation is doing

Walking amid trees, by streams, by mountains; sleeping on Earth is centering

There are no universal laws

There are no universal laws… laws that apply not only to this phase-epoch but to the entire universe; this realization and that it is equivalent to the principle of being is an intellectual high point of this journey… and from it stems much [New Ideas.] The only necessities are those of logic but this can be thought of as the definition of logic and therefore we would not look somewhere else for what applies to the universal. Logic is what is essential to all being; this is the start of the discovery or elaboration of what is logic…

All particular considerations are, if valid, chapters in logic; physics and mathematics are distinct chapters; in a way, so are ethics and art with which Wittgenstein might disagree… however this is defining of logic and not of ethics and art

One evening in a canyon…

One evening, walking a trail above the Middle Fork of Rattlesnake Creek and to the north side of Rattlesnake Canyon, I heard, from across the canyon, the sound of a branch cracking…

It was a large brown bear across the canyon on the ‘wild’ side. The bear moved slowly from the bushes into a clear spot, ate for a while – probably berries – and turned upslope until it disappeared into the brush

One of the few times I have been aware of a bear without its being or becoming aware of me

[This reminded me of the time a few years ago I saw a very young bear, a little larger than a retriever, walking toward me on the trail; I saw that bear first, it continued to amble toward me and when it finally did see me it reacted with surprise and bounded madly uphill and away from the trail]

… A definite high and a high point; it is significant that I was walking without pack, I was wearing light clothes and on my feet were only sandals

Washington

October 24 – 31

At the gasoline station there was no attendant at the pump and so I realized that I had crossed from Oregon into Washington. I have lived on the West Coast of the US for 21 years but had not until now been to Washington. I felt a huge thrill…

Driving north that night, Friday, October 24, I passed through the Washington towns of Woodland with signs for Mount Hood, Longview, Centralia with signs for Rainier, Olympia, Tacoma which I read is ‘booming,’ and arrived at Seattle just before midnight

It took about thirty minutes to orient myself to the streets of Seattle. I used my map but was tired. Found the International Hostel [IH] and checked in

Saturday, I made acquaintances including a delicious lady who remains in my dreams. Tall, slender and lovely

Sunday, I spent a couple of enjoyable hours at Pike Place market, then on to the water front and aquarium, Pioneer Square and the Elliot Bay Book Co., the International District, Seattle Center and Belltown

There was a tour conducted by a volunteer at the IH of downtown Seattle; I met some fellow tourists and we promised to hook up… but did not

Sunday evening, a tour of pubs… at first hesitant because tired and lonely but then with the lovely buzz of spirits I livened up. Local beer at Pike’s Place Brewery near the IH, Remy Martin at a locals bar on the main drag, the local girls did not seem to want to flirt with a brown skinned me – otherwise they would have of course succumbed to my charm but only if I thought it worth my energy in comparison to the infinite possibilities elsewhere, on to a desolate sports bar, and then to one of Seattle’s show case night shows where I had a wonderful time of appetizers, music – not all that great but lets pretend, dancing, flirting but nothing doing, friendship of the instant kind

Monday – piroshkis at the famous Pike Place piroshki shop; drive north to Anacortes on Fidalgo Is. and ferry to Lopez, Shaw, and Orcas of the San Juan Is. of N. Puget Sound… back to Anacortes and down Hwy. 20 to the Keystone Ferry on Whidby Is. – no ferry because of tidal condition that night so slept in my truck near the marshes and marsh life with civilization and its lights here and there and across the bay

Tuesday – ferry to Hwy. 101, Port Townsend -> Sequim -> Port Angeles -> Olympic National Park and Hurricane Ridge enveloped in mist… collected spring water shared later at work with coworkers -> Port Angeles -> Lake Crescent beautiful clear aqua blue and wind whipped waves -> Sol Duc hot springs ->

-> Sapho Hwy 113 -> Clallam Bay -> Sekiu -> Neah Bay on the Makah Reservation -> Cape Flattery and back to 101

Here is an account of the experience with some other details

This is the Christmas letter I sent to people who had written to me. Somewhat impersonal but I wanted to keep in touch with you

How are you? Email me or call. Take care…

Writing this letter seemed as though it would be easy as I was dreaming about it earlier this morning while waking up but now it seems that I might say either too much or too little and that whatever I say might not be quite right; still, here I sit at my computer attempting to write

This year has had one huge but exhilarating surprise. I recall while being driven around London in August 1995 by my brother Robin, telling him about my ideas and writing. I had completed Evolution and Design in 1987. I told him how I came to write it, of the processes that went into it, where I though the work was lacking and I described some vague thoughts on remedies for the deficit. The central idea was that while Evolution and Design was based in state and process, the new work would be based in something “beyond” that and I may have mentioned the word absolute. Over the years since then I have spent much time thinking about this, the main ideas and the details as well as numerous diversions, uploaded it all to my website [1999] which went through many changes, stopped using the questionable word absolute, but in the end the system remained unsatisfying. I may have deceived myself about this for the ideas were intuitively sound but a reasonably rational basis was missing and seemed remote despite ideas on how to approach the question

That was the way it stood at the outset of my fall vacation of 2002. As part of my yearly vacation of four to six weeks, I spend some time hiking in the Trinity Mountains 100 miles east of Arcata. I enjoy and often thrill to the hiking, the vistas, the storms and the sunlight, the untame creatures from chipmunk to deer to brown bear. It is a time of physical and psychic health. Friends ask me why I have been going back to the Trinities for the last 14 years – in fact I have been going for 22 years. It is because, yes there is beauty there, but primarily because there I have a sense of a home, not merely of adventure, in nature – something that I miss during the rest of the year. There is adventure to be had, too, in a snow storm in 1997; hiking the boulder cirque around Papoose Lake; occasional encounters with black bear – nothing overtly dangerous thus far. The Trinity Mountains have also been where I have received much inspiration for my thought – I have yet to be disappointed in this – this is why I sometimes refer to the mountains as “the source.” I started off the vacation having some excellent ideas on space and time while driving the Forest Service road to the Hobo Gulch trailhead to Papoose and Grizzly Lakes. Those ideas found a place in the section on Cosmology in what has become my central essay – Journey in Being; a number of other ideas also found a place in Journey in Being or other essays. After my time in the mountains I spent 2 days in Reno, Nevada where the most memorable event was the buffet at the Atlantis Casino. Touring the mountains and the desert was more enjoyable. On the way home I stopped at a coffee shop in Weaverville at the foot of the Trinity Mountains. It was here that I had “the final insight on the proper nature of – the concept of – nothingness how to view the relationship between nothingness and the world.” After that “everything” fell into place, Journey in Being became, I think, a coherent system, and, with the resultant energy, I was able to integrate and tighten the previously sprawling details. The work began upon return to Arcata in mid-October 2002

This project took through July this year [2003] and the effort was huge. It included an attempt to make every page on the site look professional – an effort in itself considering the number of pages. The surprise mentioned earlier included the fact that the coherence, depth and completeness went far beyond my expectation; additionally, the approach to this state of affairs was direct and avoided the analysis of the nature of knowledge that I had assumed would be necessary. I feel as though I have been a traveler in a new land who accidentally stumbled across strange and beautiful new places. As a result of the “new vision” I acquired new energy and insight which were used to solve numerous problems, revise and rewrite in a coherent way my understanding of a number of important topics including knowledge and concepts, metaphysics, the concept and nature of being, the concept and nature of mind, “philosophical cosmology” which I consider to be a theory of all aspects – not just the physical – of all of existence, language, ethics, transformations of being: possibilities and approaches, the variety of being including machines [computation, its theory and possibilities,] the nature of social and political action. All previously written materials were evaluated and used in the rewriting, interaction of the topics with one another and the whole [Journey in Being] was considered and the essence of everything placed in Journey in Being

As a result I am a little self-satisfied and, also, as a result of the attempt together with my job and trying to “have a life,” also a little tired – and a little aimless. That means that although there is still much to be done, I am avoiding a plunge in to anything huge. Instead, I want to make other changes in my life: another job, something new in, perhaps another town. I have not yet begun to look but I have not gotten into any of the looming projects either. Meanwhile, it has been nice to wake up in the mornings and not feel a huge compulsion to get down to work at the computer [my paying job is 3pm to 11pm, 5 days a week.] It has been a pleasure to work on a few smaller projects in a leisurely way while sipping coffee or to go into town and visit the bookstores and other favorite haunts

I have just had five days away from work and am going back this afternoon. It was not a holiday for I have been down with the flu which I get every year and which has been particularly bad this year. I will take a break from this letter and continue tomorrow with a brief account of this year’s vacation and my plans for the future 12.29.03

[I had the following thought early this morning. Real religion is essentially, though not merely, political. I refer to mass though not necessarily organized religion and especially to charisma. What was the source of this thought? I have been thinking about the problems that our world faces. I have been thinking about this on and off for many years as is or should be natural for a human being but do not think of myself as an expert on this at all. It seems that the issues can be broken down as “problems” and “how to address them.” The latter includes politics where there is a huge gulf between government and people; I think this gulf, a problem in itself, makes the address difficult. I suppose it is a syndrome of our huge nation states and the nature of the drive to power within them. Individuals need, perhaps, to be more directly involved and under the inspiration of real values. There are so many instances in history of religion addressing just the present need. I know that religions become corrupt as does all power; that many people prefer to have religion private and separate from state, but these are just thoughts that I revisited this morning at the boundary been sleep and wake. One of the driving forces behind the thought was: ‘What instrument, perhaps of charismatic but not irrational force, perhaps something that transcends regional boundaries so that is not divisive, is there or may we create that will speak to the modern situation?’

The work described earlier constitutes the completion of the intellectual phase of my overall goal. I believe I have gone significantly beyond previous thought [e.g. everything I have read about the concept of the void or nothingness and, especially, its use in understanding being and cosmology is not inferior but impotent] in a number of fundamental areas. I recognize, of course, that this is my own evaluation and that my work has not yet been reviewed by the academic community. Additionally, there are a number of areas where significant improvement is necessary. The other main phase of my overall goal is “Experiments in the Transformation of Being” in which I ask questions such as, “What are the possibilities of being, of human being?” “Of these, what might be worthwhile attempting to realize? How might such realization be approached?” On a conservative view, the possibilities of human being are limited: we are born, live and die; in between, if we are lucky, we may have enjoyment and achievement

An extreme contrast is the view from the Vedanta: Atman is Brahman which means, roughly, that the self is identical to [all of] objective reality; according to that view no actual transformation is necessary other than becoming aware of what actually obtains. This question was actually an, if not the, original motivation for my interest in and analysis of being and the void [incidentally what I mean by nothingness void bears almost no relation to Sartre’s meaning.] My evaluation of the possibilities of [human] being are not the conservative one; the actual position [all being is accessible to every being] and the details are in Journey in Being. I have looked at a number of traditional approaches to transformation including yoga and, to a lesser extent, western mysticism. In consideration of these approaches and my own experience, I have forged an approach that I call the dynamics of being. Unlike, prescriptive approaches [repeat the mantra] the approach considers the dynamics, asks, “What is essential?” All this is described in Journey in Being. What I want to undertake next are the Experiments in Transformation. Some other goals, not at all unimportant to me but constituting lesser phases of the Journey are experiments in relations between mind and machines [computation,] and social action: use and sharing of the work. I do not want to do this in my present situation and so the urgency of the more immediate goal: looking for an alternative situation [i.e. a job, or perhaps something like a grant]

This year I visited the Trinity Mountains again. I noticed that climbing has become more difficult and that is due to a combination of getting older and not keeping physically active [running] in the past two years: the intellectual project has been my main preoccupation. The hiking was good nonetheless and I spent some nights under the stars at mountain lakes. A high point was watching a brown bear on the opposite slope of a canyon. He-she was foraging and, apparently, did not notice me over the half hour before nightfall that I stayed to watch

I had a number of excellent ideas which I will write out in separate notes; due to the press toward “changes” I will not now take the time to integrate the ideas into Journey in Being even thought some of the ideas represent significant enhancements in content and improvement in argument

In the last week of my vacation I visited the state of Washington. Although I have lived on the West Coast for 21 years this was my first visit to Washington. Driving north on I-5, I experienced a huge thrill as I entered Washington at about 11 pm. I continued to drive north and arrived at Seattle at about 1 am. I spent two days in Seattle. It is similar to San Francisco in its layout, in that it is next to a large body of water – the Puget Sound, and in that the city is quite hilly. I enjoyed my time in Seattle but I think I would not enjoy living there; Bellingham, with Western Washington University, 50 miles north, 80,000 people, Mount Baker nearby to the east has some appeal

I enjoyed a ferry ride to the San Juan Islands in the Sound half way between the Washington mainland and Canada

On my fifth day, I drove my pickup on to a Washington State ferry to the Olympic Peninsula where I toured Olympic National Park; I did not see much in the way of vistas because it was overcast, misty, windy, cold and raining but it was lovely to be among the trees, rocks, mountainsides and creeks, and the ledges where I peered out into the grey nothingness. Of all places, I am happiest when I am in “nature.” The rainfall varies significantly in the Peninsula and exceeds 120" of rain a year on the Western slopes of the Olympic Mountains. The lower slopes are home to rainforests [I think I read that they are the northern most rainforest.] I spent some time hiking in the Hoh rainforest

One of the high points was a visit to the Makah Indian reservation. Driving toward the northwestern end of the Peninsula I saw a sign that said “Most North West Point in the Lower 48 States: 45 miles.” Although time was limited, I did not resist the temptation to go to the “end of the road.” The road to Cape Flattery, the most northwest point, was rugged, often close to the edge of cliffs that went down to the Pacific Ocean. Inland, the day was cloudy and calm; at the Ocean it was clear with high winds – and waves smashing upon the rocky shore. The road went through Neiah Bay, the main town on the reservation where I bought a permit to visit Cape Flattery. In 1999, the Makah resumed the traditional whale hunt that had ceased in the 1920's. Thus far there has been one hunt [1999, successful] even though permission had been obtained to hunt annually. I do not know why the hunt has not been repeated. Perhaps it is due to the objections from environmentalist groups… A few miles before the Cape, the road became unpaved and muddy. The last ¾ mile was an easy trail down to the point atop what I estimated to be a 100 – 150’ cliff that overlooked the translucent pale blue ocean swell that carried sea birds up and down with the motion. A sign said that the birds and other life were attracted by the nutrients carried down to the ocean by the deep canyon creeks to the sides of the point. Beyond the swell stood Tatoosh Island with Cape Flattery lighthouse… I wanted to stand on the point but the situation appeared precarious. I lay flat on the ground, legs pointing inland, and reached out with my arms to touch the point

-> Beaver -> Forks -> Queets -> Quinault Rain Forest, Indian Reservation and Lake Quinault -> Aberdeen -> Hoquiam -> Highway 12 -> Olympia -> Interstate 5 -> Oregon -> and home to California

Dream: poetry is stone and stone is cold and cold is logic

October 5

There is no poetry, no such thing as poetry

…everything is poetry

And all is nothing; nothing all

in the mystery of the green space

in the mystery of cobble stones

bleak and cold

in the mystery of sand

dry… moving… clouds of quartz and pseudolocusts

who are stories of sand so appealing from that point

in so infinity called as such

‘whipping up upon the faces…

And what is that mysterious mystery who made me think

…and made me think that and made me think?

Poetry is stone and stone is cold

And cold is logic

And logic against your cold finite expectation

Because you are tired

And want to ration your tired ness –ize

Is fertile and fecund and warm like the wet

Warmth of birth

And the thing we love to kiss wetly

The way man sees and does not see

But where is wonan in that stone-space

Cold and wet as a stone to sharpen knives

Upon which to sit in immortal comfort

Dream: losing love

October 7

I’ve had a number of dreams about M recently, always affectionate and sometimes intimate and always with her boyfriend present; he does not mind but she chooses him. Recently, talking to a friend, I admit the residual loss – and this was good for me even though it turned the potential friend away

In this dream I was lying in bed with M and we had on only underwear. I was attracted to her

Attraction does not mean action because it is in itself so wonderful – when I and another know we are attracted; it is wonderful and being in the presence of the other is wonderful. It is not a time to be wasted; action will come when it comes. This attitude, however, has upset a number of people. But if love is infinite, there is time and there is space for all things

I said to M, “your boyfriend is better for you than I!” Why did I say that? If I love her then I must; unfortunately it may be taken to mean I don’t love the other enough. If you are not jealous, controlling… you cannot be in love. What a world view. Anyway, M’s response was “Yes, sometimes he’s ingenious”

I told M what her loss meant to me: the depth of it…

And then woke up; and felt how lovely and attractive she is; something I have not felt in a while and even though the feeling diminished it remained

The dream does not require interpretation. It is a simple story: loss is shutting me down. The negative side: I do not seek love because I am afraid to lose it. The positive: I do not seek it because I do not want to lose my Journey. Others have said, “You love your work – Journey in Being – more than me.” That is not true but it could be said that I love myself more; my work – Journey – is a deep expression of myself. And, I gave and give much even if it is not what the other wants; is that because I am selfish or because I do not have what is wanted?

Dream: dream love

October 7

My brother, Robin and I are in love with two of our cousins M and K; I am in love with the younger cousin, M, and Robin is in love with K. In the dream Robin looks and acts like F the young, about 18 year old daughter of a friend; M is a young, beautiful, olive skinned Caucasian with shoulder length black hair and is wearing a pink dress – I don’t know who she resembles; K looks just like a onetime girlfriend C

So far so good; it is just wonderful and there’s fun, an atmosphere of intimacy, no sex but its wonderful

Then: Robin wants M. Ok, ok. So, now I have C and I’m stroking her long brown legs softly; this goes on – its just how we started the first time, in the back yard and she wearing a white cotton halter top and pink pants…

Then everyone leaves – except Robin, M’s dad J who suddenly materializes and I. My parents also materialize but leave with M and C. At this point everyone looks and acts themselves: Robin is Robin, M is M, J is J, my parents are who they always were, C is C, I am I, and K is no longer there

J takes a long and noisy bath. Robin and I are wondering what next. When J comes out he expresses displeasure at what has been happening. Not because of the interest in his daughter but, he says to Robin and me, “Your mother might harm me”

Cut to a scene of my mother and everyone else. She looks stern unlike her usual self. She is concerned but has no objections or apparent intent to stop anything or harm anyone

I wake up. Post sleep, post dream state when ego is still lazy, half awake. Good time to do something, think the unusual. I realize I am attracted to N who works at a local coffee shop. I like it that she’s in her 30’s and not 20’s, that she is professionally inclined – I like women with goals. Anyway I visualize her, wiggle with pleasure – yum – and say, “that wiggle, that pleasure is for you, N.” I determine to contact her when I get back. I’m glad I gave her my card

Dream: a woman who never touched a person

March 2004

In the dream, I am at work and there is a new worker – a petite brunette wearing a white shirt, black corduroy overalls and brown sandals

After the introduction, she said “I have never touched a person”

So, I took her hand in my right hand and made it touch my left hand in a gentle motion. I thought, “Now you’ve touched someone”

I turned into a tiger

IDEAS

All ideas are in New Ideas – especially the dates 9.14.03 – 3.11.04

LATEST REVISION, COPYRIGHT AND DOCUMENT STATUS

MAINTAIN BUT NO FURTHER ACTION NEEDED FOR JOURNEY IN BEING

DREAMS HAVE BEEN INCORPORATED IN DREAMS AND VISION