Dad—raging, probably ‘dry drunk;’ physical, verbal aggression—random and systematic, acting out kid; humiliation (public) much worse than physical aggression.

Mom—loving, best friend but aloof when hurt; learnt enjoyment, love of nature and self but perhaps narcissistic, creative impulse, self-forgiveness.

Me

Therefore—shame but self-forgiveness; and seeking.

I was a significantly acting out kid—perhaps as rebellion against authority which I experienced from my dad as oppressive. I got into trouble and often into fights. This ended somewhere around graduation from high school. But the tendency to disregard authority remained latent or under the surface.

I tend to discomfort with talking about myself but will do so when you are a trusted friends or if it seems the right thing to do.

Mostly, I’m friendly and forgiving. When I was younger I was prone to anger if I would feel shamed. This had nothing to do with alcohol. I’m mellower with age but when younger I was generally nicer when drinking.

Is there anything unique, original? I don’t know. Here, though, are some characteristics—

Independence, especially of thought… this is learnt from the world with others rather than merely from or against others.

Feel whole, at one… in nature.

Facility with very concrete and very abstract thought.

Why I drink

Cover shame, as lesser / substitute for spirituality.

Possible genetic factor.

Spirituality—metaphysics

Sources

Intuition and Experience; Tradition; Reflection (thought).

Intuition

Intuition of unseen powers and their nature.

Metaphysics

Metaphysics—explicit knowledge of things (universe) as they are.

Is metaphysics possible? Yes:

The Universe has no limits—simple but at the center of an exciting metaphysics.

Drinking—Pattern and History

I began drinking in America.

I was a serious drinker from the beginning but it took years for it to gain control of my life and for me to recognize what was happening.

In my twenties I was an occasional drinker; in my thirties a weekend drinker; in my forties a frequent drinker; and after that my drinking became erratic.

Two beers might stop at that or become many; many might become a night of heavy drinking and a night might become nights; or I might plan to enjoy being drunk.

There were days and weeks and years of miserable times at work hung over but still able to function.

I’m not sure why it took so long but it is in part that I did not hang out with ‘partiers’. My drinking friends were my real friends and I was the one who drank the most.

Friends knew I was on a downhill course.

I was a stupid drunk, a friendly drunk, a risk taking drunk, a blackout drunk, but not a violent drunk (I did not seek fights) and except for a few episodes not even an angry drunk.

I am (was) mean only when sober. In my meanness, alcohol was not to blame.

Other drugs

Alcohol is the problem so far but other drugs have potential.

Percocet and codeine led to wonderful highs.

Xanax and alcohol combine to make bizarre behavior and complete blackouts.

By Late 2010

Unmanageability—my life in disarray

Risky behavior and places (youth).

Legal

11 alcohol related convictions, revoked license, driving on suspended, probation violation, jail, rehab, HART, SWAP, fines.

Bankruptcy

Abrupt career change due to drinking: fired—1, dislocated—1, lack of spiritual center—2.

Out of control blood pressure, insidious health effects

Relationships were non-existent: relationships ended: my contribution was anger / remoteness due to my shame.

Driving without license: felt as if prisoner.

Illusion of manageability

I do well in crisis situations (without reaching out) / Functional / Spiritual and social life / Life of Ideas and Nature.

This enabled denial.

Powerlessness over alcohol

Drinking and control unpredictable.

Unable to give up drinking. Twenty weeks 2008, ten weeks 2010.

In 2010 I held on to the thought that my life was manageable… but (my) spiritual source (especially ideas) became unmanageable. I thought of suicide everyday. Depression and—lack of—meaning were interlaced.

This year (2011): Crisis and Opportunity

Fact

January 4 and 8, 2011 DUI #’S 3 & 4.

Crisis

I could see my life as I knew it crumble.

I could have gotten 3 years.

My brother said he had never seen me more miserable, even after a whipping.

This was the first time I felt I had to reach out.

My brother and sister-in-law were supportive—emotionally and financially.

Friends—emotionally and physically.

AA. January 5: ‘My name is Anil and I’m an alcoholic’… I felt truth and relief but drank through January 12.

D&A counselor, Laurie Monroe, January 13: ‘Anil, check into DTOX—you need to isolate yourself from alcohol.’ I said ‘I can stop; if I don’t I will check in.’ January 12 was my last drink.

Singing Trees: two weeks in January. From hopelessness to hope.

Attorney: would negotiate the minimum sentence with minor charges dismissed, potential felony reduced to a misdemeanor.

Opportunity

Somehow I was energized.

Other people’s help was essential (higher power).

I would go for long walks and use this time to make arrangements (attorneys, counselor, Singing Trees, where to stay, support…).

I would get up at 5AM and use the time before businesses (attorney’s offices…) opened to think, reflect and write. I was able to organize my writing.

I learned that my sentence would be 4 months (May-Aug) in jail, 4 months (Sept-Dec) in rehabilitation.

In Jan-March I began to see the year as an opportunity to firm up metaphysics as a spiritual system and that jail and rehabilitation would be chances to work this out.

Where I was suicidal a year earlier, I began to see my life as transformed, I began to have hope.

Jail. Understood the metaphysics more clearly. Understood it as a spiritual system.

Singing Trees. I expected to work out these ideas in detail. Instead, I found myself making concrete though incremental (small steps) spiritual progress. Thus my thoughts on metaphysics and spirituality are in transition. I have not achieved the system that I anticipated (that might come later in changed form). Instead I found something better. I had been thinking How will I live out my thought—which had a source in my life and feeling? I had some ideas. But the experience at Singing Trees has made it all more real and concrete. I’m still at a beginning…

Higher Powers. My crisis was energizing. The sentence was the right combination of punishment and leniency to provide need and opportunity for change (a harsher sentence may have been better but at 64 I seem to feel that I have not too many more rodeos left in me.) Jail was boring but a perfect place for thought, writing, and meditation. At Singing Trees I have gained so much (I considered Teen Challenge but it seems clear that I would not have gained near as much there). At the Trees, I have sources in nature, peers, counselors, and spirit…

Future. I face this with not a little fear but also not a little confidence. Mostly, though the future, should I live or not, is an immense opportunity.

Transparency. In my metaphysics and spirituality I sought understanding in depth but found it in transparency. The depth is not that deep but there is an infinite realm of variety and adventure without end. In terms of practical spirituality I’m now on the fourth step (somehow the unhappiness of what I’ve done in the past led me to do aspects of 6-11). In step 4 I’m beginning to find that where I didn’t understand myself and my emotional issues, answers, such as they are lie in simple and transparent seeing of things that I didn’t notice. I’m pretty assertive but what I’m learning is to see where assertiveness is possible (where I hadn’t seen anything before). I’m learning a balance between and integration of practical and larger dimensions… sometimes to see where an assertion is possible, sometimes where it is good, sometimes where it may be better to let go.

Spirituality

Meanings

1. While we do not know all things, Meaning(s) are in process; dictionaries are guides to the infinitesimal region of past understanding… which we / I tend to blow up into a whole world. 2. Being is that which Exists—that which is. 3. The Universe is All Being—over all time and space—so there is one and precisely one Universe in this sense. 4. A Limit may be thought of as something that is possible in the most permissive sense but does not obtain. 5. Metaphysics is knowledge of Being as it is (it has been said that metaphysics is impossible).

Metaphysics

There is Being.

Explanation. If there were not, there would not even be illusion. This ‘trick’ explanation can be made more robust.

Metaphysics is possible and real and will be seen to be profound, not trivial.

There is precisely One Universe.

For the Universe, to be possible and to be are the same.

The Universe has no Limits.

Explanation. A Law applies to Being but not to the Void (nothingness). So the Void—and so the Universe—has no limits.

Examples. There is no limit to the number and kinds of cosmological system and conscious Beings (our cosmos / bubble systems are but one cosmological system). The Universe has consciousness in all phases; this consciousness has degrees of focus and acuity. Except conditions of coexistence, the limitlessness of the Universe is conferred on every one of its atoms and individuals—else the Universe would not be limitless. Ultimately, every atom and individual is identical to one another and to the Universe even though we experience very real and immediate limits (called Normal limits).

God and Power

Power is degree of limitlessness. The Power of the Universe is without limit. God is a name for the Being with the greatest power, another name for the Universe.

God confers its power on every individual (except for some very simple conditions—conditions of coexistence).

Limits and Potential

In human form our experience is intensely limited. In Addiction, our limits are even greater. Our problem, the same in normal life and Addiction, is to walk and live between the immediate and the ultimate, the limited and the unlimited.

Even normal human experience is limited relative to the potential of the human form. In the ultimate, we are the Universe

Higher or Greater Power

I may enjoy doing the right thing and experiencing its consequences; I may suffer in doing wrong and experiencing its consequences; this is an example of the Power of God / Universe in my life.

Generally, this God / Entire Universe are abstract and remote. A Higher or Greater Power is a way of access to the one Power.

God / Entire Universe are the Greater Power.

Examples of Greater Powers

Any power that helps in the way is a Higher of Greater Power. Natural powers are immanent and are understood and lived in more than invoked. But invocation may promote understanding… and it may promote access to the non-proximate powers seen in the metaphysics. Some Greater Powers are (a) aspects of self, (b) nature and its inspiration, (c) ideas and understanding including the above metaphysics and its dynamics, (d) spiritual means (step programs—including, meditation, prayer, and service; the yogas including mystic vision, service, love and worship, and embrace of what may be repugnant; vision quest) and (e) other people, groups such as 12 step groups, and institutions. Note that #c provides a continuous path and a way of permanence to the discrete and often temporary ways of #d.

Summary. Immanence of Power

These thoughts may be summarized: manifest Being requires individuation; the path is access to power—i.e. elimination of over-individuation and distortions of individuation. In this form the ultimate is the ideal human; but we transcend this form and there in relinquishing individuation we become the Universe. In this form we may attain any limitlessness consistent with our necessary individuation.

Help is an awkward term for entering wholeness and flow. God is everything and in everything; the idea of getting help is the over-individuated ego’s way of overcoming itself.

All Power is immanent.