The AA Book suggests that ‘self manifested in various ways was what had defeated us’ and ‘Resentment is the “number one” offender’ (p.64). It suggests setting resentments down on paper in columns as follows.

Column 1

The first column lists ‘People, institutions, and principles with whom we were angry.’

Column 2

This column lists what we are angry at—the ‘causes’.

Column 3

This concerns the root fear or concern. ‘In most cases it was found that our self-esteem, our pocketbooks, our ambitions, our personal relations (including sex) were hurt or threatened.’

Column 4

The AA Book, p. 65, does not show a fourth column. However, on p.67 it says ‘Putting out of our minds, the wrongs others had done, we resolutely looked at our own mistakes. Where had we been selfish, dishonest, self-seeking and frightened? Though a situation had not been entirely our fault, we tried to disregard the other person entirely. The inventory was ours, not the other man’s. We saw our faults and listed them. We placed them before us in black and white. We admitted our wrongs and we were willing to set these matters straight.’

Rationale

I state the following as my understanding and not as authoritative.

If the reason we drink is to avoid pain then in not drinking we follow one of two paths (a) live the pain (b) return to drinking (or both). The goal is to find and address the root causes and so (a) not drink and (b) live healthily. Of course transformation is not overnight—it is a process.

Patterns of behavior

After doing the steps we can begin to see patterns. Situations are many; root fears and dysfunctional patterns are few.

I can see the root causes and dysfunctional behaviors. Here is where to act. ‘Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; the courage to change the things I can; and the wisdom to know the difference’.

Fear inventory

The AA book goes beyond this, suggests that, p.68, ‘putting trust in infinite God rather than our finite selves’ is the way to address fear ‘We ask him to address our fear and direct our attention to what He would have us be. At once we commence to outgrow fear.’

This is an approach to delivery from the bonds of self. But not everyone comes to believe in God. The approach of ‘no mind’—a delivery from the bond of obsessive self—is an alternative.

Relationship inventory

The AA book suggests this. Relationships are central. The purpose of the suggestion is to ‘shape a sane and sound ideal’, p.69, for future relationships. ‘We subjected each relation to this test—was it selfish or not? We asked God to mold our ideals and help us to live up to them.’ For God I might substitute ‘freedom from bondage to self and trust in the process of the world’ (for there is nothing outside self and world). In any case the AA book then says ‘Whatever our ideal turns out to be, we must be willing to grow toward it.’ These are among the reasons for a ‘sex inventory’. I’ve substituted what seems to me more natural—‘relationship’ for ‘sex’ because, though the latter is basic, the former is more inclusive.

Suggestions from Frank Raney

Frank directed my attention to the foregoing.

Particularly, he gave me the following definitions as guide to seeing our faults (column 4). What seems good about Frank’s ‘definitions’ is that they are factual and objective rather than judgmental. Thus selfish means self-focused which takes the focus away from being judgmental and toward what we actually did and that may be changed.

Selfish = What I wanted

Self-seeking = How I went about getting it (people please, buy, lie, avoid…)

Dishonest = With others (lie, omit, I’m fine…)… & self (include expectations)

Fear = Of not getting something I want / losing something I have

My self-esteem

Shame

This part has self-analysis that is not an explicit part of the fourth step. I put it here because it arose in doing the step and because it may be useful.

Self-esteem, in my case, is crucial for it is or is intertwined with my sense of potency to do things… to be a positive agent in the world, especially my own life. My self esteem is impacted by guilt and shame.

Guilt has been seen as feeling and judgment that result as violating one’s own standards or morals. Shame results from violation of others’ standards and morals. It seems reasonable to think that shame arises first because we learn from others. Guilt arises later with the capacity for moral judgment. This is of course hypothetical and perhaps there is innate guilt.

In the 1970’s there arose a movement that we should not feel guilt. That movement had a different concept of guilt than the one used here. If our behavior is moral, we need not feel guilt. As a source of guilt, shame, too, is good. However, there can be ‘too much shame’.

Shame is an area requiring work. Hypothesis—my morality is largely inner and this is a defense against shame. This is not essentially bad—it is perhaps how guilt is learned.

Deep shame is shame without immediate cause and one source is consistent early shaming. It arises simply in being in the presence of others—or in having the image of others in mind. I have deep shame—probably from my upbringing.

Shame and passivity

It is this deep shame that results in passivity—not out of passivity itself but out of fear of having the shame made public.

Transformation

How may shame and anxiety based in shame and other factors be eliminated? Perhaps they cannot be eliminated but, instead, a worthwhile goal may be to transform them to motivators for ‘good’—thus commitments and endeavors.

But transformation of the negative is not the only effective motivation to endeavor; expression and realization of the positive are essential.

And, in terms of a life worth living, shame ‘work’ may be good. How? First, if anxiety or shame are debilitating direct work is useful. Then:

(1) Transform—live with anxiety; feel it while being productive of the good. (2) Develop humor as the capacity for direct reinterpretation. (3) If shame results in passivity, action may convert shame. The main area of passivity is in relation to others and charisma; here is where initiative, action, and humor should be cultivated.

Causes or Resentments

Me

Resentment—cause—passivity.

Passivity. Inappropriate assertiveness—too much or too little.

Root fear or concern.

Affects my self-esteem (don’t accomplish what I could), ambitions, pocketbook (true but this doesn’t bother me except when money is really tight), personal relationships (finding and keeping)

Faulty or dysfunctional behavior or solution

I had been selfish—wanting others to do things for me… especially boost my self-worth, self-seeking—passively at times, without real content, dishonest—in not seeing this… in not going with nagging intuition that there might be an issue, frightened—of the consequences of action… mainly judgment but also of failure

Resentment—deep shame.

Deep shame

Root fear or concern.

Affects my ambitions, personal relationships

Faulty or dysfunctional behavior or solution

I had been selfish—wanting to not feel this, self-seeking—avoidant or aggressive, dishonest—in not seeing what has been going on, frightened—shame is a condition of fear that breeds fear

Resentment—self-destructive behavior.

Self-destructive behavior, self-willed

Root fear or concern.

Affects my ambitions, pocketbook, personal relationships

Faulty or dysfunctional behavior or solution

I had been selfish—wanting to live a useful, enjoyable, spiritual life, self-seeking—doing this in non-spiritual ways (sex, food, using others) and through alcohol, dishonest—in not seeing this, in neglecting intuition of the truth, frightened—fear itself, the source of fright, dishonest—in not acting on this

Resentment—bad temper.

Bad temper (abated with age)

Root fear or concern.

Affects my self-esteem, personal relationships

Faulty or dysfunctional behavior or solution

I had been selfish—wanting release and control in anger, self-seeking—in anger and angry behavior, dishonest—in not seeing this till recently, in not seeing anger as secondary and hurtful to me until I was about 30, frightened—(shame) the primary emotion

My Dad

Resentment—Frequent rage and physical punishment

Frequent rage and physical punishment at what seemed trivial / non infractions. Seeming out of proportion punishment at real infractions.

Root fear or concern.

Affects my self-esteem, personal relationships (fear, trust, defiance, anger)

Faulty or dysfunctional behavior or solution

I have become selfish—wanting (needing) others to build self-esteem (not consciously), self-seeking—angry when this need violated, withdrawn when not met, dishonest—in not seeing this, frightened—of others judgment

Resentment—humiliation, private and public

Public humiliation, insults till I left India, age 22. (Negative, judgmental, disapproving till his death. Frequently absurd).

Root fear or concern.

Affects my self-esteem (fear of humiliation / judgment, shame—often feeling worthless in presence of others—especially superiors and authority—even before the possibility of being judged, defiance, morality partially as defense), ambitions (fear)

Faulty or dysfunctional behavior or solution

I had been selfish—wanting others to confirm my worth, self-seeking—avoidant, angry, withdrawn, dishonest—in not seeing this, frightened—all the time in presence of others because of feelings of worthlessness

Resentment—long boring lectures on everything

Long boring lectures on everything; no one allowed to interrupt or have an opinion.

Root fear or concern.

Affects my personal relationships (hate small talk)

Faulty or dysfunctional behavior or solution

I had been selfish—wanting always to talk about things important and important to me, self-seeking—either doing this or becoming withdrawn / avoidant, dishonest—in not seeing what has been going on, frightened—that my inferiority (as I see it) will be exposed in small talk / banter

Resentment—bragging, exaggerated achievements

Bragged about his achievements—often dishonest / exaggerated. Exhortation to excel with no follow-up action.

Root fear or concern.

Affects my personal relationships (trust), ambitions (expect too much)

I have been selfish—wanting to be held in high regard, self-seeking—promoting myself covertly, dishonest—in not seeing the picture, in the covert and sometimes explicit self-promotion, frightened—of not being seen as the best, as perfect

My Mom

Resentment—did not protect me against my dad

Did not protect me against my dad.

Root fear or concern.

Affects my self-esteem (not worthy of protection)

Faulty or dysfunctional behavior or solution

I had been selfish—perhaps wanting to maintain a good image of mom… but I want women to protect me (am disappointed when they don’t), self-seeking—this and mom-type friendship (tolerant), dishonest—not seeing this, frightened—facing the world

Resentment—left me and my dad to go to England for a year

Left me and my dad to go to England for a year when I was 11.

Root fear or concern.

Affects my self-esteem, security

Faulty or dysfunctional behavior or solution

I had been selfish—want women to be ‘my mom’, self-seeking—in subconsciously expecting this even in women who don’t want to or don’t have it to give, dishonest (unclear) in not seeing this, and so frightened (anxious) in close relationships

Resentment—occasionally sarcastic and judgmental

Occasionally sarcastic and judgmental.

Root fear or concern.

Affects my self-esteem (fear of judgment)

Faulty or dysfunctional behavior or solution

I had been selfish—wanting pure relationships, self-seeking—looking for this, dishonest (unclear) in not seeing this, and so frightened (of judgment) in close relationships

Robin, brother, 5yrs younger

Resentment—gives unasked for advice

Gives unasked for advice—what to do with my daughter and why. Makes negative judgments of me—e.g. why I chose my lifestyle.

Root fear or concern.

Affects my self-esteem (fear, self-reliance)

Faulty or dysfunctional behavior or solution

I had been selfish—to know what I need to do and to have him know this, self-seeking—looking for this, dishonest—not seeing that he does not know or have this to give, frightened—of being judged of losing my power

Resentment—my dad did not punish him as much

Says my dad did not punish him physically (because my brother responded to verbal reprimand)

Root fear or concern.

Affects my self-esteem (my brother thinks I was always pissed off)

Faulty or dysfunctional behavior or solution

I had been selfish—wanting my brother to see the whole me, self-seeking—bringing that to our relationship, dishonest—not seeing that he does not know or have this to give… but expecting it, frightened—though not whole of not being seen as whole

Resentment—thinks less of me

Thinks less of me because of my alcoholism and legal situation—I think.

Root fear or concern.

Affects my self-esteem

Faulty or dysfunctional behavior or solution

I had been selfish—I want respect, self-seeking—passively (details next), dishonest—in ignoring my destructive behavior, frightened—of being judged and therefore losing self-esteem (especially with my brother)

Resentment—has been saying he will visit but has not

Has been saying he will visit for years but has not.

Root fear or concern.

Affects my personal relationships (loss)

Faulty or dysfunctional behavior or solution

I had been selfish—I want a relationship with my brother, self-seeking—expecting him to want the same, dishonest—I’m ambivalent but disclosed ambivalence passively, frightened—of judgment, of being truly known

Susan, sister-in-law

Resentment—bitched at me because I own a gun

Bitched at me because I own a gun. Did so at their house in front of Robin, my dad, my daughter, their kids.

Root fear or concern.

Affects my self-esteem (fear of judgment), personal relationships (trust, warmth)

Faulty or dysfunctional behavior or solution

I had been selfish—I wanted approval, self-seeking—avoided talking about it, self-seeking—sharing and expecting disapproval, dishonest—did not tell her how I felt, frightened—of her having a poor image of me

Resentment—complained about my mom at my mom’s funeral

At or after my mom’s funeral, complained that my mom was weak in facing her final illness.

Root fear or concern.

Affects my personal relationships

Faulty or dysfunctional behavior or solution

I had been selfish—I wanted her to approve of my mom and indirectly approve of me, self-seeking—in passively expecting this it, dishonest—did not tell her how I felt, frightened—that honesty would alienate me from my sister-in-law

Kajal, female cousin

Resentment—did not respond to my love when I was about 18

I was in love with her when I was 18, she 35. She did not respond.

Root fear or concern.

Affects my personal relationships (initiative)

Faulty or dysfunctional behavior or solution

I had been selfish—wanting her affection (and sex), self-seeking—hanging out with her, passively hoping (I now see this), dishonest in acting as though only friendly, frightened—of being judged if I asked for what I wanted

Resentment—did not reply when I wrote a few years ago

Did not reply when I wrote to her a few years ago.

Root fear or concern.

Affects my personal relationships (loss—fear of abandonment)

Faulty or dysfunctional behavior or solution

I had been selfish—wanting renewed connection affection, self-seeking—this is why I wrote, dishonest—although I also wrote for non-selfish reasons, writing as though there were no selfish reasons, frightened—not being open about my wants

Ashoka, married, 1970-78

Resentment—wanted to be a stay at home wife

Wanted to be a stay at home wife. I wanted more.

Root fear or concern.

Affects my ambitions, personal relationships (companionship)

Faulty or dysfunctional behavior or solution

I had been selfish—wanting companion, image boost, self-seeking—asking for this but not caring for her wishes, dishonest—not recognize her limits, wishes, frightened—of mediocrity

Resentment—sex was boring

Sex became boring as early as a month after the wedding.

Root fear or concern.

Affects my personal relationships (sex, worth of)

Faulty or dysfunctional behavior or solution

I had been selfish—wanting personal satisfaction, self-seeking—acting only on my needs, dishonest—unaware of her needs, frightened—of a life of boredom, no satisfaction

Resentment—did not like sex

Did not like sex.

Root fear or concern.

Affects my personal relationships (sex)

Faulty or dysfunctional behavior or solution

I had been selfish—caring only for my desires, self-seeking—acting on my desires, not learning about hers, dishonest—remaining unaware, frightened—my desires would be unfulfilled

Resentment—did not object when I said I would get sex elsewhere

Did not object when I said I would get sex elsewhere.

Root fear or concern.

Affects my self-esteem (wanted her to object)

Faulty or dysfunctional behavior or solution

I had been selfish—neglect her feelings, self-seeking—exclusive attention to self, dishonest—choosing to remain unaware of her feelings, frightened—not getting sex

Resentment—left me

Left me

Root fear or concern.

Affects my self-esteem, personal relationships

Faulty or dysfunctional behavior or solution

I had been selfish—seeing only my needs, self-seeking—neglectful, angry (at even trivial matters), dishonest—in not seeing her needs… in thinking everything is me, frightened—squashed ego (covered by anger)

MaryAnn, girlfriend, 1975-77.

Resentment—sex good but did not seem to get excited

Sex good even though she did not get very excited.

Root fear or concern.

Affects my personal relationships (good sex not a guarantee)

Faulty or dysfunctional behavior or solution

I had been selfish—wanting pleasure, self-seeking—sought pleasure, inattentive to hers, dishonest—not acknowledging her pleasure and her importance to me, frightened—of acknowledging my own humanity (vulnerability) and so of seeing hers

Resentment—wanted me to get a job and would not leave Rochester with me

Wanted me to get a job and would not come with me (went to DE to finish my degree).

Root fear or concern.

Affects my self-esteem (not good enough), ambitions

Faulty or dysfunctional behavior or solution

I had been selfish—for my life, career, self-seeking—addressing my ambition, neglectful of hers, dishonest—unaware of her wants, frightened—loss of self-image, my career

Marilyn, girlfriend, 1979

Resentment—slid into relationship

Did not desire her but was persuaded. ‘Slid’ into relationship.

Root fear or concern.

Affects my personal relationships (feeling of independence)

Faulty or dysfunctional behavior or solution

I had been selfish—wanted sex, status (I’m not sure of this but it is a fact that she had a PhD, was faculty at University of Texas), self-seeking—allowed myself to slide into relationship, dishonest—acted as though I wanted relationship, frightened—losing out, loneliness

Resentment—insulting

Insulting.

Root fear or concern.

Affects my self-esteem

Faulty or dysfunctional behavior or solution

I had been selfish—not wanting to be insulted, self-seeking—passive (accepting insult), aggressive (tit for tat: insulting in return), dishonest—not dealing with relationship issue and insult issue openly, frightened—of feeling inferior, shame (so insulted back), of being vulnerable (shame, exposure of inner being) so did not deal assertively and openly

Resentment—boring at sex

Sexually boring.

Root fear or concern.

Affects my personal relationships (sex, worth of)

Faulty or dysfunctional behavior or solution

I had been selfish—wanting personal satisfaction, self-seeking—accepted sexual relationship not trying very much to please her, dishonest—not being clear about what I wanted and when I spoke up about my wants and she said she knew what I wanted, accepted that even though she didn’t seem to know, frightened—of appearing vulnerable, i.e. of showing weakness and so not speaking up

Beverly, girlfriend / married, 1980-85

Resentment—sexually controlling

Sexually controlling.

Root fear or concern.

Affects my personal relationships (sex)

Faulty or dysfunctional behavior or solution

I had been selfish—wanting pleasure, self-seeking—looking out for my pleasure, dishonest—suppressing, not looking out for all my needs, frightened—of loneliness, so accepting bad treatment

Resentment—manipulative

Manipulative.

Root fear or concern.

Affects my personal relationships (loss—fear of abandonment)

Faulty or dysfunctional behavior or solution

I had been selfish—wanting companionship, self-seeking—looking out for my needs for company, dishonest—suppressing, not looking out for all my needs, frightened—of loneliness, so accepting bad treatment

Resentment—quick to take offense

Quick to take offense.

Root fear or concern.

Affects my personal relationships (waste)

Faulty or dysfunctional behavior or solution

I had been selfish—wanting companionship, sex, self-seeking—looking for love, dishonest—unaware of her nature, frightened—loneliness

Resentment—not a good mother for my daughter

Not a good mother (I’m told and have other reasons to believe).

Root fear or concern.

Affects my personal relationships (daughter)

Faulty or dysfunctional behavior or solution

I had been selfish—want relationship, self-seeking—not take action, attend to personal needs over my daughter’s interest, dishonest—continue to not see Beverly’s nature, frightened—of loss of appearing not in control, i.e. of seeming vulnerable (therefore no action)

Resentment—left me

Left me

Root fear or concern.

Affects my self-esteem, personal relationships

Faulty or dysfunctional behavior or solution

I had been selfish—wanting relationship, self-seeking—staying in relationship, dishonest—not acknowledging her nature, frightened—of loneliness, talking about issues to find out about her ways (because talking might make me seem vulnerable)

Kathleen, girlfriend, 1984-85

Resentment—controlling

Controlling.

Root fear or concern.

Affects my personal relationships (loss—fear of abandonment)

Faulty or dysfunctional behavior or solution

I had been selfish—wanting relationship and love, self-seeking—courting, attempting to maintain the relationship, dishonest—not seeing her controlling nature, shame based blame of self, frightened—of loss and loneliness

Resentment—weird judgmental anger

Weirdly judgmental, weird anger.

Root fear or concern.

Affects my self-esteem (fear of judgment)

Faulty or dysfunctional behavior or solution

I had been selfish—wanting approval, self-seeking—being nice and trying to be cool, accepting her anger, dishonest—not seeing what was going on, frightened—of judgment and loss

Resentment—sex great but still went back to loser boyfriend

I loved her, sex was great, we seemed to do well together, her mom liked me, she went back to her loser ex-boyfriend. (‘I miss him’)

Root fear or concern.

Affects my personal relationships (good sex not a guarantee)

Faulty or dysfunctional behavior or solution

I had been selfish—wanting this relationship with this cool and hot girl, self-seeking—giving all (so I thought), dishonest—not seeing how she was, frightened—of loss, of vulnerability that would make loss acceptable and enable me to see what the relationship meant to her (rebound maybe, experimental)

Chris, girlfriend, 1988-89

Affected how I view love and women

Resentment—wonderful but left me for a cowboy with horses

Wonderful, exciting, but highly erratic. Kept me on edge. Weakness exposed. Left me for a cowboy who had horses.

Root fear or concern.

Affects my self-esteem (fear—no control), personal relationships (sex, fear of loneliness)

Faulty or dysfunctional behavior or solution

I had been selfish—wanting this beauty, excitement, self-seeking—showing my want, doing things for her, waiting, dishonest—thinking it was love, not looking at her instability, frightened—loneliness, loss

Diane, girlfriend, 1990

Resentment—wanted her for 10 years but disappointing

Wanted her for 10 years. Disappointing when it finally happened. I had moved away from Austin, would call her in the wee hours of the morning (drunk) ‘come and visit): she came

Root fear or concern.

Affects my personal relationships (fear of failure in)

Faulty or dysfunctional behavior or solution

I had been selfish—wanted love, sex, self-seeking—passive earlier, then ‘using’ alcohol to overcome fear of approaching her, dishonest—in not approaching her earlier, frightened—to approach her

Resentment—sex boring

Sex only one time, kind of boring.

Root fear or concern.

Affects my personal relationships (sex, worth of)

Faulty or dysfunctional behavior or solution

I had been selfish—wanting sex without love and with a probably vulnerable person, self-seeking—having sex etc., dishonest—not being above board with all this, frightened—loneliness, being vulnerable by being above board

Michelle, girlfriend, 1992

Resentment—beautiful; later admitted to already having a boyfriend

Beautiful, young (she 20, I 44), exciting, fun (she enjoyed ideas and outdoors as do I), but, I found out later, she had a boyfriend, to whom she went back. Uh. I tried to get her back for many years (up to about 2008)

Root fear or concern.

Affects my self-esteem (not good enough), personal relationships (missed her, wanted her)

Faulty or dysfunctional behavior or solution

I had been selfish—wanting love, sex, relationship, self-seeking—when she showed interest, went for it; when she wanted out, continued to try, dishonest—not recognizing her choice, frightened—loneliness, loss of this apparently wonderful thing (she’s still bloody cute at 40)

Marie, girlfriend, 1993-1995

Resentment—I felt casual so (I think) she wanted out

One of my not so hot relationships and therefore comfortable because (a) more about friendship, (b) I wasn’t so romantically involved. She sensed this and so (I think) wanted out

Root fear or concern.

Affects my self-esteem—loss, plus she always put her family and scatter-brained behavior first, personal relationships (sex)—missed her somewhat even though not hooked: she was nice and I liked the attention

Faulty or dysfunctional behavior or solution

I had been selfish—wanting company, friendship, and the rather nice occasional sex; also, her sister was hot and I wanted her sister (never got her though), self-seeking—sought her, continued to seek when she became luke warm, dishonest—about degree of desire, about desire for sister, frightened—loneliness, loss (less than in the hot relationships)

Marta, girlfriend, 2000-2001. Friend

Resentment—wonderful at first; then rejecting; universal flirt

Sex wonderful at first; became rejecting; then bitched when I stopped approaching her for sex. Weirdly bitchy—hard to please. Flirted with everyone, men, women, boys, girls, gays, lesbians, my friends, all the time.

Root fear or concern.

Affects my self-esteem (fear of rejection), personal relationships (sex)

Faulty or dysfunctional behavior or solution

I had been selfish—wanting her, self-seeking—accepting the negative attitude and behavior, dishonest—not seeing that I needed to not be in that relationship, frightened—of loss and loneliness

Linda Souza, potential, friend / girlfriend

Resentment—ambivalent, difficult to assess

Judgmental about my situation? Not upfront? I’m ambivalent about her. Difficult to assess.

Root fear or concern.

Affects my self-esteem, personal relationships (fear of not being good enough)

Faulty or dysfunctional behavior or solution

I had been selfish—want friendship, self-seeking—maintain contact through jail and singing trees, dishonest—suppressing appropriate questions, wanting even when she seems ambivalent… what does she want, frightened—of loss of friendship, of being judged as not cool if I ask questions (people pleasing)

Resentment—update 2013—stopped returning my calls

She stopped returning my calls even though she encouraged me to call and was generally encouraging when we did talk. No longer in contact; after she did not return my call, I did not call her back.

Root fear or concern.

Affects my self-esteem, personal relationships (will I ever have another relationship?)

Faulty or dysfunctional behavior or solution

I had been selfish—thinking something might happen even though there was no solid indication; also selfish in being passive—thinking passivity might result in something; dishonest in not recognizing this’, frightened—of rejection

Movie Stars and other icons, western and indian, female, childhood on

Models for erotic love

Resentment—modeled love for me

Modeled who and how I love (erotic).

Root fear or concern.

Affects my self-esteem (fear—lack of confidence in relating to real people), personal relationships (fear—will not have a real one)

Faulty or dysfunctional behavior or solution

I had been selfish—wanting what I saw on screen…, self-seeking—passive, ignoring whole person when picking, dishonest—unaware of the set up, frightened—of getting less than ‘best’

Intellectuals and athletes, male, adolescence on

Models for achievement

Resentment—modeled ambition and achievement

Modeled ambition and achievement.

Root fear or concern.

Affects my self-esteem (fear—set standard too high), ambitions (fear—will not achieve)

Faulty or dysfunctional behavior or solution

I had been selfish—wanting what I saw, self-seeking—passive, ideals very high, frightened—set up for failure

Various kids—elementary, middle school

Resentment—picked on me for being different

Locals of similar background, picked on me for being ‘different’. Stood ground, won some and lost some which I still regret.

Root fear or concern.

Affects my self-esteem (fear), personal relationships (fear of not identifying)

Faulty or dysfunctional behavior or solution

I had been selfish—wanting to fit in, win all, self-seeking—avoiding these kids because I did not fit in, dishonest—expecting to fit in, frightened—of being left out

Resentment—pummeled two kids; this still embarrasses me

Unnecessarily pummeled two kids which still embarrasses me (even though I was 10 and 12 and the same age as the other kid)

Root fear or concern.

Affects my self-esteem (guilt)

Faulty or dysfunctional behavior or solution

I had been selfish—wanting to hurt out of anger, self-seeking—pummeling, dishonest—thinking this would give self-respect, frightened—I had felt slighted

Arvind Jain, college friend

Resentment—nasty but subtle at times

Occasionally nasty but subtle about it. I got pissed off and this made him judgmental.

Root fear or concern.

Affects my self-esteem (fear of judgment), personal relationships (trust)

Faulty or dysfunctional behavior or solution

I had been selfish—wanting respect and friendship, self-seeking—hanging around, trying to be friendly, dishonest—not seeing connection between behavior and consequence, frightened—not wanting to be without friends but not wanting to be ‘political’

Gil Craven, current friend

Resentment—wants me to manage his house

Wants me to manage his house

Root fear or concern.

Affects my ambitions (fear—being tied down)

Faulty or dysfunctional behavior or solution

I had been selfish—want a place to stay, self-seeking—being passive about finding another place, dishonest—I’ve told him what I want but need to acknowledge his want and reiterate my position, frightened—of homelessness, being tied down and losing ambition

Resentment—wants to socialize

Wants to socialize when I want to do other things—e.g. write, spend time with others

Root fear or concern.

Affects my ambitions, personal relationships (fear—social independence)

Faulty or dysfunctional behavior or solution

I had been selfish—want to work on interests and ambitions, self-seeking—passive, not set boundaries, dishonest—not be clear about my wants, frightened—lose self, ambition

Resentment—update 2013—this last year, as roommate has been difficult

Minimizing, sarcastic, racist remarks and then says he doesn’t mean anything by it.

Root fear or concern.

Affects my self-esteem

Faulty or dysfunctional behavior or solution

I had been selfish—expecting he would be positive; self-seeking—well not so passive this time and complained assertively and non-judgmentally and when that was only partially effective would make jokes opportunistically at him; self-seeking—not passive, did set boundaries; frightened—yes as explained but the problem is now significantly abated as a result letting go of self and dealing (sometimes I don’t want to deal because even dealing seems to be an admission of weakness)

Michael Gold, current friend

Nice man but judgmental bonehead critic who seems to think he’s superior and wears this know-it-all smile as if his knowing is so obvious that he can even be relaxed and smile about it but I’m this poor ignorant wimp who is going to belly up and agree with his bullshit boneheaded crap

Note. It is really his wife’s friendship I seek—she had been coworker and friend for many years but they come as a package

Resentment—judgmental

Judges everything in the world, especially my drinking (ignores his wife’s drug habit)

Root fear or concern.

Affects my self-esteem (fear of judgment), personal relationships (fear—who can I trust), ambitions (when self-esteem is affected my resolve is weakened)

Faulty or dysfunctional behavior or solution

I had been selfish—want friendship without judgment, self-seeking—sought friendship, dishonest—passive acceptance, frightened—of not having friends

Mother Bernard, elementary school teacher

Resentment—strict, bitchy, loathable, disciplinarian

Strict, bitchy, loathable, disciplinarian.

Root fear or concern.

Affects my self-esteem (fear, shame)

Faulty or dysfunctional behavior or solution

I had been selfish—wanting no external control, self-seeking—did what I wanted, dishonest—not aware of why I was acting out, frightened—of being controlled

Fr. Moore, S.J., high school teacher and Rector

Resentment—praised others who did not do as well as I

Did not make me prefect. Praised others even though I performed better.

Root fear or concern.

Affects my self-esteem (shame based therefore easily disappointed)

Faulty or dysfunctional behavior or solution

I had been selfish—wanting prefect-hood and praise, self-seeking—not respecting authority (counterproductive), dishonest—not seeing connection between behavior and reward, frightened—not having praise and respect

SVS Tyagi, college instructor

Resentment—grossly unfair instructor

Grossly unfair in grading my papers (taught many courses therefore had significant effect on my net grade.)

Root fear or concern.

Affects my self-esteem (performance mattered), ambitions (rank mattered)

Faulty or dysfunctional behavior or solution

I had been selfish—wanting a fair grade, self-seeking—being confrontational, dishonest—not seeing connection between my behavior and the instructor’s behavior, frightened—wanting good grades and to be held in esteem

HSU Engineering professors, 1984-1985

Almost every one of them, especially Brad Finney, Bob Willis, and Michael Anderson

Resentment—did not rehire me

Their recommendations resulted in my not being rehired—in being fired.

Root fear or concern.

Affects my self-esteem (fear of failure, shame), ambitions

Faulty or dysfunctional behavior or solution

I had been selfish—wanting this job, self-seeking—put in much work but on what I wanted to focus, dishonest—not seeing (caring about) connection between behavior and consequence, frightened—not wanting to give up freedom for a job

Carol Heaslip, owner, Tiffany’s, ‘co-entrepreneur’, friend, 1989

Resentment—unfair to other employees

Unfair to employees (my perception). Terminated enterprise when I spoke in behalf of an employee (privately).

Root fear or concern.

Affects my personal relationships (fear—trust in commitment)

Faulty or dysfunctional behavior or solution

I had been selfish—I wanted to stand up against unfairness, self-seeking—did so, dishonest—not seeing connection between behavior and consequence, frightened—of being seen as not standing for principle

Gazella Wike, R.N., supervisor, Sempervirens, 1997-2002

Major resentment at the time

Resentment—undermined my status with the director of nurses

Undermined my good worker status with Director of Nurses (i.e. misrepresented the situation.) Upfront stated she supported me. Poor shift organizer. Turned to me for assistance which I also offered but seemed to resent this.

Root fear or concern.

Affects my self-esteem (fear of judgment, shame), personal relationships (trust).

Faulty or dysfunctional behavior or solution

I had been selfish—wanting to have a good relationship with her maintain good relationship with DON, self-seeking—I offered to help but also challenged her and reacted sharply to her ‘bullying’ of supervisees, dishonest—not seeing or adequately addressing what was going on, frightened—of doing the honest thing out of shame

Cindy Moore, R.N., Director of nurses, Sempervirens

Resentment—great relationship initially but then changed

Initially got along famously. Cindy regarded me as one of her model workers. Later, supported Gazella in Gazella’s complaints about me.

Root fear or concern.

Affects my personal relationships (fear—trust)

Faulty or dysfunctional behavior or solution

I had been selfish—wanting this good relationship, self-seeking—working for that but also (1) self-willed, (2) open about #1 and open about not ‘taking shit’ from anyone, and (3) frequently late for work, dishonest—in not seeing (and accepting or rejecting rather than waffling in between) work relationships as they are, frightened—being judged, giving into shame and judgment, wanting perfection (to be seen as perfect)

Eli Reissner, coworker, Sempervirens

Resentment—becomes nasty when challengeds

Becomes uncharacteristically nasty when challenged. Called me lazy at work one time without explanation (my interpretation: initially I would do others’ work; later I set boundaries)

Root fear or concern.

Affects my self-esteem (fear of judgment, sense of self-worth), personal relationships (fear—trust in friendship)

Faulty or dysfunctional behavior or solution

I had been selfish—wanting to set boundaries and be judged as good, self-seeking—setting boundaries, dishonest—not seeing that whatever you do someone is going to get upset, frightened—of negative judgment (shame)

Bill J., previous AA sponsor, 2011

Resentment—lost opportunity, insulting

Lost opportunity. The interaction with Bill was stressful. Effort was needed to maintain equanimity, to neither acquiesce nor become over-assertive.

Root fear or concern.

Affects my personal relationships (fear—trust in commitment)

Faulty or dysfunctional behavior or solution

I had been selfish—wanting to deal with my personal spirituality plus do step-work (Bill encouraged this but became hypercritical of peripheral issues and became unavailable to proceed with step-work); self-seeking—doing what I wanted; dishonest—in not seeing clearly what was going on and insufficiently asserting my feeling; frightened—of judgment (shame based)

AA Shares that merely occupy time / focus on war stories, 2011

Resentment—poor use of my time

Inconsiderate. Poor use of my time.

Root fear or concern.

Affects my self-esteem (fear—I should be in control)

Faulty or dysfunctional behavior or solution

I had been selfish—wanting the sharing process to address my needs / wants, self-seeking—in passively accepting the situation, dishonest—in so far as I have not accepted that the informal process avoids conflict while attempting to address everyone’s (majority) best interest, frightened—in thinking I lose out when the system addresses majority need

John L., counselor, Singing Trees

Resentment—black and white interpretations

Black and white interpretations. By the book or dictionary rather than open. Rule bound.

Root fear or concern.

Affects my self-esteem (fear—I should control my life), ambitions (want to get the most out of rehab)

Faulty or dysfunctional behavior or solution

I had been selfish—wanting my needs to be met, self-seeking—occasionally in asserting my way of being / thinking, dishonest—not accepting that people have their own way and that John is a good counselor for many and even for me, frightened—I will not get the best out of rehabilitation

Singing Trees

Resentment—I could now use less structure (November 2011)

At this point—about three months in—I think I would benefit from less structure.

Root fear or concern.

Affects my self-esteem (fear—I know what I need, I should be in control), ambitions—want to get the most out of rehab

Faulty or dysfunctional behavior or solution

I had been selfish—wanting the most for me, self-seeking—trying to get the best out of the existing structure, attempting to accept what I can’t change, not talking to John M. about possibly working within structure, dishonest—in not seeing that there is an opportunity to work within structure and not adequately accepting my independence, frightened—of losing out but also of being judged

Howard Stauffer, Unitarian Church, Arcata

Resentment—pontificates

Pontificates.

Root fear or concern.

Affects my self-esteem (fear—he appears to know more than I), ambitions (want people to see / accept my ideas)

Faulty or dysfunctional behavior or solution

I had been selfish—wanting people to know / appreciate my thought, self-seeking—passive (I now see my passivity but didn’t see this earlier—thank you AA, Step work, Singing Trees), dishonest—in thinking that stuff will / should happen without action, frightened—of commitment, judgment, giving up independence if I tailor my ideas to the audience

Resentment—asked to resign because I couldn’t pay

As canvasser 1n 1992, asked me to step down from church membership because I couldn’t pay when I was dirt poor.

Root fear or concern.

Affects my personal relationships (fear—trust in individual and establishment)

Faulty or dysfunctional behavior or solution

I had been selfish—in wanting membership, self-seeking—becoming member, dishonest—in not seeing the canvasser’s point of view but also in not seeing that I could explain my situation, frightened—of being judged, shame based acceptance of judgment

Government and politicians

Institutions begin.

Note. It’s not as though I am not motivated by ‘good’ concerns but the point here is to see where my behavior is based in negative impacts to my self-esteem etc.

Resentment—special interest politics

Special interests, lobbyists distance government from the needs of the whole.

Government has become a special interest.

Politics of fear, ignorance, special interest, and excess self-interest.

Root fear or concern.

Affects my security (fear—often times I react when my personal interests are at stake)

Faulty or dysfunctional behavior or solution

I had been selfish—emphasizing my personal interest, self-seeking—passively in not talking to others, perhaps in not canvassing for my beliefs, and in not reviewing them carefully and factually, dishonest—in not seeing my personal interest and in not seeing that passivity helps neither me nor community, frightened—losing out economically, politically and shame based passivity

Religions

Resentment—Dogma

Dogma which entraps human being—mind and spirit.

Distortion and icon which closes down the thinking of non-adherents who model their ideas of God on what the religions say. It is these icons to which atheists object; it is these icons that limit the imagination of many who seek God.

I do think that these views provide a limited view of the Universe and thus affect human freedom and expression. I am not yet aware that mere self-interest is involved. But…

Root fear or concern.

Affects my self-esteem—i.e. my security in being in this world due to distorted views of the nature of the world, personal relationships—perception of my personal relationships with spirituality, i.e. world and others

Faulty or dysfunctional behavior or solution

I had been selfish—seeking personal well being, self-seeking—seeking my own metaphysics / personal spirituality… but being passive about widespread beliefs etc., dishonest—not accepting others needs, not seeing that there’s only so much I can / ‘want’ to do, frightened—insecurity (partially) based search, shame based under assertiveness r/t belief systems

Unitarian Church

Resentment—does not live up to its ideals

The Unitarian Church itself for being liberal but not rigorous with ideas or deep with symbol.

Root fear or concern.

Affects my perception of my personal relationships with spirituality

Faulty or dysfunctional behavior or solution

I had been selfish—wanting their spirituality to match mine, wanting to promote mine, self-seeking—partially passive r/t my wants (needs), dishonest—not seeing the situation as it is (this is how institutions are) but also in not recognizing my passivity (where it is so), frightened—security based (this is partly the selfish side) desire for church to be different, shame based passivity

Catholic Church

Resentment—Dogma and social conservatism

Dogma. Social conservatism. Wasting the beauty of their symbols.

Root fear or concern.

Affects my perception of my personal relationships with spirituality

Faulty or dysfunctional behavior or solution

I had been selfish—same as Unitarian Church

University Philosophy

Resentment—abandonment of possibility, subservience to science

Philosophy is the thinking approach to reality. University philosophy in Britain and America have abandoned this in favor of a narrower interpretation.

Root fear or concern.

Affects my ambitions, and perception of my personal relationships with the Universe

Faulty or dysfunctional behavior or solution

I had been selfish—want their philosophy to agree with mine, want mine recognized, want philosophy to have its original ideal / my ideal, self-seeking—promoting, developing my point of view but passive in promotion, dishonest—in not seeing University academics / politics for what it is, in accepting it as absolute, in shame based passivity but also in shame based thinking I need to promote rather than have a discussion, frightened—that clear and inspired thinking will lose out (not saying that mine is this or that in so far as it is it is the only example or that such thought does not occur in Universities)

Bars

Resentment—waste of time and money

Waste time, money. Sleazy places that seem glamorous. Sell me alcohol I don’t need

Root fear or concern.

Affects my self-esteem (control), ambitions (time, DUI), pocketbook (money spent, foolish spending, attorney, DUI fines), personal relationships (substitute)

Faulty or dysfunctional behavior or solution

I had been selfish—seeking sex, friendship, glitz, fun, spirituality; dishonest—deceive self; self-seeking—going there etc.; frightened—alcohol as cover

Responsibility and Commitment

Principles begin.

Resentment—impact sense of freedom

When my sense of freedom is impacted. And, facing responsibility reminds me of my lacks of principle.

Root fear or concern.

Affects my self-esteem (fear that I am insufficiently moral), ambitions (fear of lack of mobility)

Faulty or dysfunctional behavior or solution

I had been selfish—thinking of my needs, not others’ (family, friends, work, girl-friends), self-seeking—almost everything I do is for me and my ambition (but as seen above perhaps in a self-defeating way at least to some extent), dishonest—not acknowledging who / what I am but also in not seeing who / what I am, frightened—loss of freedom, loss of ambition, shame based self-perception (need this freedom, ambition to be at one with at peace in the world)

Time and Punctuality

Resentment—impacts sense of freedom

Impacts my freedom. Artificial

Root fear or concern.

Affects my self-esteem (shame based therefore I shouldn’t have to be subject to ‘mere’ time and rules), ambitions (I organize my time well)

Faulty or dysfunctional behavior or solution

I had been selfish—in wanting my esteem and ambition, self-seeking—seeking same, dishonest—in not seeing that even though artificial it is an artifact of our society that makes it click (true it makes us slaves to some extent but that does not change the facts or that we ‘slaves’ may have mutual commitments), dishonest—in not seeing time and punctuality as an artifact but a necessary one, frightened—of loss of freedom but also passivity in not asserting my self and not seeking alternatives that would suit me more but instead chaffing under the system

Incompetent or unnecessary authority. authority over reason

Resentment—impacts my sense of freedom

Impacts my sense of freedom.

Root fear or concern.

Affects my self-esteem (shame based therefore I shouldn’t have to be subject to ‘mere’ authority and rules)

Faulty or dysfunctional behavior or solution

I had been selfish—wanting that sense of freedom, self-seeking—not going along with such authority at times, dishonest—in not seeing that such authority has nothing to do with me or that I do have the choice to fit or not fit and pay consequences, frightened—loss of freedom, shame based passivity in seeking workable situations that fit my personality

Resentment—impacts my sense of competence

Impacts my sense of competence. Impacts function.

Root fear or concern.

Affects my self-esteem (fear i.e. shame based), ambitions (because motivation is impacted by sense of shame). I feel compelled to assert what I want but don’t like conflict.

Faulty or dysfunctional behavior or solution

I had been selfish—wanting self-esteem and to meet my ambition, self-seeking—same as above, dishonest—in not seeing the reasons for authority (not to do with me or my shame or freedom), and that I do have choices, and in not seeing basis in shame, frightened—as above and in not seeing that my sense of conflict is shame based

Note. I overreact at times for similar reasons.

Conservatism vs. liberalism

Resentment—false and misleading dichotomy

False and misleading dichotomy. Conservatism as a principle. Liberalism as an agenda.

Even if this is all true, deviations from ideals affect my security because the world is revealed as non-ideal.

Root fear or concern.

Affects my self-esteem (security, belonging—because it makes the political world skewed and therefore strange), ambitions (the world is a weird place in which to have idealism)

Faulty or dysfunctional behavior or solution

I had been selfish—in wanting the world to be my way (this is not the entire truth, I have measures of acceptance), self-seeking—passively accepting the way the world is (not entirely bad, not entirely who I am), dishonest—in not seeing this is how the world is or that my security is affected as well as my sense of principle, frightened—re my security and sense of belonging

Principles before personalities

Not a real resentment

Resentment—I dislike absolutes

I dislike absolutes.

Root fear or concern.

Affects my security (fear that the world is less than ideal, sense of belonging)

Faulty or dysfunctional behavior or solution

I had been selfish—wanting my principles to reign (partially) and in thinking that personalities are not unimportant and are the source or conduit for principles, self-seeking—in my behavior as if my personal principles are above universal (but can it be any other way if our unconscious were brought to light, e.g. identity of personal and universal) and also in passive acceptance, dishonest—again in not seeing / accepting the way the world is, frightened—of being minimized, of having loss of control / someone else’s control in place

Unclear thinking and spirituality

This would not arise if the idea of spirituality were clear. As I see it ideal spirituality is not something poured on or applied to our lives but how I live… it is simply seeing what is positive in the universe so I live it

Resentment—unclear thinking

The resentment is the easy reach for a spiritual solution when clear thinking would either resolve or very much clarify what is needed.

Root fear or concern.

Affects my self-esteem (dependence on spirituality as something to be applied), ambition (confidence in self).

Faulty or dysfunctional behavior or solution

I had been selfish—wanting external spirituality, self-seeking—seeking to understand / create such systems, dishonest—unaware of the nature of spirit and spirituality, frightened—in seeking external fixes instead of patience

Food (and drink) and people who encourage me to eat and drink

Resentment—Food and drink

Food—I eat too much. I feel stuffed, non-spiritual. I put on unnecessary weight

Root fear or concern.

Faulty or dysfunctional behavior or solution

I had been selfish—want to be healthy, spiritual… to be seen as competent, attractive, self-seeking—satisfaction through food, dishonest—thinking I can have all without work / sacrifice… not seeing that others are often more accepting, frightened—of others' views

Resentment—people who encourage me

People who encourage me to eat—want them to respect my views not their opinion of how much I should eat or how I should look or what is healthy

Root fear or concern.

Affects my self-esteem (self image), ambitions (drive), personal relationships (attractiveness)

Faulty or dysfunctional behavior or solution

I had been selfish—want them to see things my way, self-seeking—passive, dishonest—not accepting that their views are what they are… but that I can still have my own views on anything especially myself, frightened—their views affect my self-image and behavior

Fear inventory

Left—my fears. Right—Would I have this fear if I had reliance in God? I.e., if I gave up obsession about self and trusted to process?
Shame, loss of self-esteem	No
Intimacy (general—the shame thing, showing vulnerability)	No
Of being seen as inferior, of being judged, of not being seen as the best, as perfect	No
Loss of personal power	No
Not realizing my ambition	No
Of being passive	No
Loss of freedom	No
Success	No
I will not work for the best (for me, others)	No
Pain	No
Getting infirm	No
Being attached to tubes in a hospital or in a care home	No
Living life on life’s terms	No
Having an ugly life	No
A boring life	No
Of not being open to opportunity	No
Loneliness	No
Homelessness	No
Not liking my life, where I live etcetera	No
Financial hardship if I become infirm	No
Of making poor choices	No
Not having a good primary relationship with a woman	No
Not having sex (no relationship, impotence)	No
Being ill treated by others in relationships	No
Being ill treated if I should become infirm	No
Of being controlled by others	No
Of getting angry	No
Fear itself	No
Of exposing fears (of being vulnerable)	No
Honesty with others when it might lead to judgment, alienation	No

Relationship inventory

We reviewed our own conduct over years past. Where had we been selfish, dishonest, or inconsiderate. Whom had we hurt? Did we unjustifiably arouse jealousy, suspicion, or bitterness? Where were we at fault? What should we have done instead? We got this all down on paper and looked at it.—Big Book, p.69

Comment

What should I have done instead? Explicitness will help me to form my sex (relationship) ideal! I could probably say that I entered into all my relationships from a stand point of high immaturity but I guess that the question means what I should have done differently in the relationship. Before addressing that however, I should say one time that I wish I knew I was immature and had known to address that. I could have recognized and questioned my immaturity and selfishness and my anger (I finally did over the years and step 4 is making it more explicit, concrete and thorough).

Kajal, female cousin

Where had I been selfish, dishonest, inconsiderate?

Where had I been

Selfish? Wanting love, sex of an older beautiful female cousin (I was 15)

Dishonest? With myself—expecting anything other than sisterly affection, with her—being covert

Inconsiderate? My behavior and attitude puzzled her

Whom did I hurt?

Whom did I hurt? (Include others on her and my side). My trip to their house was messed up and confusing to her and to my parents (I wasn’t happy and therefore came home and ruined what my dad had hoped would be a good vacation for me

Did I unjustifiably arouse…

Did I unjustifiably arouse (note in here and the following I might say jealousy etc. was aroused even if it did not seem unjustifiable)

Jealousy?

Suspicion? Yes. Probably not harmful, more puzzling and perhaps worry Why is he behaving weird

Bitterness?

Where was I at fault?

Where was I at fault? Adolescent unrealism

What should I have done instead?

What should I have done instead? I was very immature. But this immaturity continued on to a time when adolescence was no longer a valid reason. The main general thing is to see in detail (step 4 style) the facts of my behavior and feeling so that change is unavoidable (specific actions are addressed in the relationships below). Here, I should / could have seen the unrealistic nature of my expectations

Ashoka, married, 1970-78

Where had I been selfish, dishonest, inconsiderate?

Where had I been

Selfish? Considering my needs

Dishonest? Not recognizing her needs and limits

Inconsiderate? Not considering her needs and limits

Whom did I hurt?

Whom did I hurt? (Include others on her and my side). Everyone. Her parents, siblings, my parents and other relatives. This may seem overstated but India is (was there and then) very conservative. Most of all I hurt her by my inconsiderate behavior and myself by the same and my ignorance

Did I unjustifiably arouse…

Did I unjustifiably arouse

Jealousy? I don’t think so

Suspicion? I think she suspected I was in love with our host family’s daughter. Something may have been evident in my attitude even though I did not act on the attraction.

Bitterness? Mega. She and her parents feel I ruined her life

Where was I at fault?

Where was I at fault? Considering only my needs, my anger and rage

What should I have done instead?

So—What should I have done instead in the relationship? Be considerate of her needs and limits; understanding of our sexual natures and being caring of her needs / wants / desires and of course of my own and being caring / vulnerable in addressing both; in seeing my anger as unjustified, based in shame, and seeing the transition between ‘normal’ anger and raging (yelling, slamming doors…, insulting)

MaryAnn, girlfriend, 1975-77.

Where had I been selfish, dishonest, inconsiderate?

Where had I been

Selfish? Wanting only for myself, not seeing her wants / needs

Dishonest? Not acknowledging her needs / wants but acting as though I did

Inconsiderate? Acting on my career desires and ignoring her wish for stability

Whom did I hurt?

Whom did I hurt? (Include others on her and my side). Her and her mother who liked / disliked me (the latter because even though I was seeking a divorce, I was already married)

Did I unjustifiably arouse…

Did I unjustifiably arouse

Jealousy? Perhaps regarding my attention to my ambition and career

Suspicion? I don’t think so even though her mother was

Bitterness? Yes, because I announced I would and did leave town to complete my education…

Where was I at fault?

Where was I at fault? In not attending to her legitimate concerns and in anger at her perhaps nasty attitude at times

What should I have done instead? Talked openly about my intentions at the start (career, education), been aware of my confusion between the illusion of caring (because of sex) and actual caring, attempt to understand her nastiness and respond appropriately (not react in shame, forgive, and look at whether the relationship was worth it)

Marilyn, girlfriend, 1979

Where had I been selfish, dishonest, inconsiderate?

Where had I been

Selfish? In getting into a relationship of convenience / image and sex desire

Dishonest? Not acknowledging this

Inconsiderate? Ignoring her needs, being insulting in turn and angry at her insults (vulnerability would have been better than anger because then I would have had a basis for understanding her, taking appropriate action)

Whom did I hurt?

Whom did I hurt? (Include others on her and my side). No doubt my nastiness hurt her; they served to consolidate her feelings about me and I’m glad that she wasn’t dependent or fragile

Did I unjustifiably arouse…

Did I unjustifiably arouse

Jealousy? Don’t know

Suspicion? I don’t think so

Bitterness? Some

Where was I at fault?

Where was I at fault? Poor understanding of needs for a relationship to work with her, nasty instead of vulnerable, closed instead of open

What should I have done instead?

What should I have done instead? The idea of vulnerability could be mistaken for weakness but isn’t weakness. Hiding weakness is weakness. Vulnerability is kindness which could be mistaken for weakness but again it isn’t. What I mean by vulnerability is not having fear and so on but not hiding it, being comfortable with it (and there are times to be and not be vulnerable in this sense). I should have been open and vulnerable. That would maybe have opened the way for a healthy decision going into the relationship; it would have helped open the way for a healthy relationship or, alternatively, a healthy termination (which could be considered part of a healthy relationship)

Beverly, girlfriend / married, 1980-85

Where had I been selfish, dishonest, inconsiderate?

Where had I been

Selfish? Wanting my pleasure and comfort

Dishonest? Not seeing that I was self-centered and that I did not recognize that her behavior came from a place of fear, victim-hood etc.

Inconsiderate? In taking only myself into account (of course I considered her but I was ignorant of her true needs etc. and this is so characteristic of who I was and probably still am at least somewhat)

Whom did I hurt?

Whom did I hurt? (Include others on her and my side). Her, myself, disappointed her parents, ultimately my (our) daughter

Did I unjustifiably arouse…

Did I unjustifiably arouse

Jealousy? My attention to my way of being, my interests, my point of view, my career and ambition

Suspicion? I don’t think so (in relationships, I tend not to be secretive about my activities or covert about my motives although I have perhaps been ignorant of them)

Bitterness? Probably, for all the above reasons, for giving but not living up to hope and promise, for ‘giving’ her a daughter but not being a father

Where was I at fault?

Where was I at fault? Poor understanding of needs for a relationship to work with her, avoidant rather than vulnerable, ignorant of her not insignificant issues

What should I have done instead?

What should I have done instead? Openness and vulnerability again… It might have given the relationship a chance and it would have given realism a real chance

Kathleen, girlfriend, 1984-85

Where had I been selfish, dishonest, inconsiderate?

Where had I been

Selfish? Wanting for myself (sex, company, and in this case beauty and charm) and not seeing the whole picture of one = two which may be bad math but good psychology

Dishonest? Probably only in my ignorance and blindness

Inconsiderate? Of her realism

Whom did I hurt?

Whom did I hurt? (Include others on her and my side). I may have upset her mom who liked me, I don’t think I hurt Kathleen except perhaps in disappointing her but she never said so… I probably hurt me the most in this case… and it hurt like hell

Did I unjustifiably arouse…

Did I unjustifiably arouse

Jealousy? She objected to my not being demonstrative of affection in front of her parents

Suspicion? I don’t think so

Bitterness? She didn’t like my tardiness (I didn’t care if I was late for work) and she had minor objections like spilling coffee on a picnic table near Willow Creek

Where was I at fault?

Where was I at fault? By this time I am 36 and most of the anger and nastiness though not the underlying stuff (resenting, hypersensitive) had been ironed out of me. I was mostly nice as heck. But in being so sensitive, I remained blind to the other persons feelings and close via ignorance of learning about them

What should I have done instead?

What should I have done instead? Grown up. Really, the openness and vulnerability formula again for what it might give to a relationship, seeing truth, and to healing from old and present wounds. And, openness and vulnerability have forgiveness already built in because in being open I am seeing their point of view and allowing my own pain to be felt instead of stifled / stuffed

Chris, girlfriend, 1988-89

Where had I been selfish, dishonest, inconsiderate?

Where had I been

Selfish? Seeing only my own self and needs as though they were all that there is (even while I thought I was loving her it was myself that I really loved).

Dishonest? In not seeing beyond this but acting as though I did

Inconsiderate? In not even seeing her as a person but as an extension or mere completion of myself and so being basically unaware of her needs, her life, her story

Whom did I hurt?

Whom did I hurt? (Include others on her and my side). Her sister who was my previous girlfriend (I didn’t leave one sister for the other, the first sister left me but still…)

Did I unjustifiably arouse…

Did I unjustifiably arouse

Jealousy? Regarding her sister probably; and in my self-centered absorption

Suspicion? I don’t think I did anything to arouse suspicion

Bitterness? Though self-absorbed, I was kind etc. I should state that ‘self-absorbed’ does not mean consciously concerned only with my concerns; instead it means the way I saw things—world as extension of me even though I didn’t altogether know this

Where was I at fault?

Where was I at fault? In not seeing her as a person; my acts were not at this point merely self willed and merely self-centered

What should I have done instead?

What should I have done instead? What else but open to my own fear and pain which would enable me (I think and hope) to care for the other person (and not just think I care) and be open also to my own needs… this might have been good for the relationship in its being and its ending

Diane, girlfriend, 1990

Where had I been selfish, dishonest, inconsiderate?

Where had I been

Selfish? Focused on my relationship / love / sex needs

Dishonest? In not seeing this, i.e. I thought I was focused on the whole picture but was mistaken

Inconsiderate? In not seeing the entire picture, her situation / attitude, and my own real needs

Whom did I hurt?

Whom did I hurt? (Include others on her and my side). Her, myself (I don’t know whether anyone, e.g. her mother, had any interest in the situation if she had then her mother might have been somewhat to significantly disappointed)

Did I unjustifiably arouse…

Did I unjustifiably arouse

Jealousy? Possibly (she did not say) by my focus on my own interest and interests

Suspicion? I don’t think I did anything to arouse suspicion

Bitterness? When I ignored her one time a few years after she visited she became pissed, moved, changed her phone # and I have never been able to contact her again

Where was I at fault?

Where was I at fault? In focusing on my immediate desires only, so unfocused on long term concerns, not truly focused on her concerns

What should I have done instead?

What should I have done instead? Moved slower, paid attention to her sensitivities, I’m not sure that being open and vulnerable would help in this case but it couldn’t hurt and would have been good practice

Note. I’m now thinking that transparency is a better word / idea than openness-vulnerability but that openness-vulnerability might be good practice for transparency

Michelle, Girlfriend, 1992

Where had I been selfish, dishonest, inconsiderate?

Where had I been

Selfish? Focus on my desires

Dishonest? In not seeing that I focused on me, thinking that I was fair

Inconsiderate? Not seeing that as a young person her attraction to me was not for me-as-me but as father-figure but expecting it to be something else

Whom did I hurt?

Whom did I hurt? (Include others on her and my side). Her a little by being so persistent, myself for being unaware of the nature of the relationship from her viewpoint and so committing emotional energy into an energy sink (the situation, not her), and, likely, her boyfriend who tolerated this (as far as I know)

Did I unjustifiably arouse…

Did I unjustifiably arouse

Jealousy? Likely from the boyfriend

Suspicion? Don’t think so

Bitterness? Maybe from boyfriend, maybe a little from Michelle

Where was I at fault?

Where was I at fault? Expecting more; asking for it was OK I think but the persistence (even though relatively benign and somewhat encouraged by her) could not have helped me (I think) and was probably difficult for her even though she liked the attention (as she matured she realized that that attention was not good for her; I should have seen that earlier)

What should I have done instead?

What should I have done instead? Let the situation alone (I could have asked her to choose but this does not make too much sense—she was very young, and in any case unfaithful when she allowed me to think she was unattached). Transparency (open / vulnerable) would have helped me see the situation

Marie, girlfriend, 1993-1995

Where had I been selfish, dishonest, inconsiderate?

Where had I been

Selfish? In not seeing that her family was that kind of family. I did not see this (a) because of the self-focus (b) I denied it because I thought it was ‘wrong’. But wrong or right, that is the way it was and it’s better in this case to see rather than judge (better for me and probably for her / the relationship)

Dishonest?

Inconsiderate? In not letting her be who she was. Not that I tried to change her; my complaints if any were mild and only on the occasion that she would suddenly change plans because there was some family business (this was frequent). I did not complain about her family but in my mind I had those thoughts

Whom did I hurt?

Whom did I hurt? (Include others on her and my side). I don’t think anyone was hurt except that in any relationship that is not meaningful and is self-seeking rather than life-building everyone loses something

Did I unjustifiably arouse…

Did I unjustifiably arouse

Jealousy?

Suspicion?

Bitterness? Maybe because I lost interest in her sexually. Her complaint was mild but that probably covered up deeper feeling

Where was I at fault?

Where was I at fault? In this one maybe I should have complained a little more. Set firmer boundaries (you can’t force someone to do something but you can set limits at which you will change your behavior)

What should I have done instead?

What should I have done instead? Transparency again (plus the boundaries thing) might have clarified where things were going before they went there… Attempted to show more interest in her… found ways to do so that were mutually satisfying (just some thoughts)

Marta, girlfriend, 2000-2001. Friend

Where had I been selfish, dishonest, inconsiderate?

Where had I been

Selfish? In accepting her behavior. I accepted it because of my fear of rejection etc. / shame at showing my fear. This seems avoidant and it is but it is selfish avoidance

Dishonest? Accepting the behavior is a kind of dishonesty

Inconsiderate? Self-centered behavior is inconsiderate even if not harmful in itself

Whom did I hurt?

Whom did I hurt? (Include others on her and my side). Undoubtedly her and myself. May have also hurt her sister who liked / loved me

Did I unjustifiably arouse…

Did I unjustifiably arouse

Jealousy? Marta was intensely prone to jealousy / suspicion and would become upset over little things. One time I came back from vacation and went to her house and she did not answer when I knocked on the door (I can’t remember her reason). Then I went home and she got mad and suspicious / jealous because she thought I was avoiding her. She refused to become un-mad. Anyway, this kind of thing is not unjustifiable but when you stay in that situation you know that jealousy is being aroused and you should either work on it or get out

Suspicion?

Bitterness?

Where was I at fault?

Where was I at fault? In staying in the relationship for selfish reasons (I didn’t see that at the time)

What should I have done instead?

What should I have done instead? Transparency etc. (no details because this is repeating)

Linda Souza, potential friend / girlfriend

Note—this is not a romantic relationship but I’ll do it because I have some interest (this was December 2011)

Where had I been selfish, dishonest, inconsiderate?

Where had I been

Selfish? I don’t know that she’s avoiding and it is self-centered to think she is (and ignorant to think she is not). My best bet short of asking her is to not assume

Dishonest? In not talking to her about issues (I’m not clear that this is important)

Inconsiderate? Making assumptions

Whom did I hurt?

Whom did I hurt? (Include others on her and my side). No one yet (except see below)

Did I unjustifiably arouse…

Did I unjustifiably arouse

Jealousy?

Suspicion? She must wonder about my drinking / DUI'S (note: we got to know each other before the recent DUI history)

Bitterness? She must have a problem with same (plus no car or driver’s license and if she’s thinking or has thought either romance or friendship she is probably now thinking ‘I don’t want to be driving him around’ ‘don’t want to be seen with a known drunk driver etc.)

Where was I at fault?

Where was I at fault? If I’m interested I should simply call and talk about issues. I should probably not dither around either with what I want. Think straight man: even if your record was squeaky clean would you want her as anything more than a friend so I’m doing what I’ve done before—contemplating a questionable relationship

What should I have done instead?

What should I have done instead? Stated above: 1. Call. 2. If she ignores, let it go. 3. If she does not ignore, and is open have friendship (this I enjoy). 4. Not expect anything more but see if anything opens up (not in the way of opportunity but in the way of feeling)