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4detail | now, temp The way in life, death, beyond—realization of limitlessness (mindfulness, nature-culture, the universal)4 Mindful meditative-active being in the experiential-pragmatic world Nature and culture—the world as found and made—immersion in nature and culture—living and travel4 Reflection, sharing, writing, and publishing The universal—the world as we are and become it Activities (constitutive—primarily experiential and spiritual | supporting—primarily and material)4 Meditation – Shamatha—emptying, calming; Vipasana—reflecting, redirecting Attitude (also see ‘Today’)4 Meditative presence—aware, relaxed, reflective, and no mind Neutral engagement—disengage, have – request listening – assert and request boundaries, limits Awareness of state neutral vs judgmental state > affirm positive, redirect negative4 Hold without judging, breath, relax muscles, tolerate, examine – it’s me, not others > (re)direct, two-minute meditation-stretch > kindness to, do not avoid self or other – we’re all trying > dedicate ± to the ultimate > move on Patience > Integrity of identity Work on integrity; patience with pain; healthy behavior; work on independence from affirmation by others Material, outer, temporal (also see projects…, below). Events4 Life _________________________________________________________________________________________________ Annual—tax, Christmas, Robin 2/7, Veda Elise 8/1, Carissa 8/10, Beverly 8/15, Kathleen 11/8, Wendy 11/21 11/8 __________ _____________________________________________________________________________________________________ Month, bi-week, week __________________________________________________________________________________ Sunday—relax _________________________________________________________________________________________ Thu or Sat—Chores. Sunday—relax. See today. _______________________________________________________________ Projects (developing the way, travel, publishing) 4 Developing the way – intrinsically and instrumentally – attitudinally-actively – in all pure and pragmatic dimensions of being Travel (cur trips-hike list-prep-bus: humb-trin-gdocs)—Jan 1, 2022 (review) (i) one year isolation (ii) nature-culture journeys4 A year’s isolation _______________________________________________________________________________________ Nature, culture journeys _________________________________________________________________________________ Publish—study, reflection, writing (now > bare content, site – no excess || in-the-world > access, write), website, advertising4 The narrative4 the way of being – contents4
this workspace is currently minimal into the way Reading list—logic, free will, add __________________________________________________________________________ Now—review this—(the essentials, trip preparation, health, people) Essentials—step back > R > accept-redirect-dedicate pain | work – cash $30k | place = travel base (hum-trin-us-mex) > 18-not CA Trips—next > details below > Hike / pack daily > USFS > cash, laundry, bank > pack, min > fresh veg4 Planning 1. When… criteria: weather… 2. Where… research… RNP, W Ck, Six Rivers, Trinity – Junction City campground (call JC Store) – ride to trail heads (night at or hear trail head), HWY 3… 3. Future trips—backpacking and biking Preparation—when written, put essentials into main heading ‘Next trip’, above Minimizing gear means saving time 1. Misc—dye; umbrella / hat; small ground sheet—cut, organize and minimize of stuff sacks; shaver (new, try out) 2. Efficiency and weight—fasten side pocket; loose pants; wind vs reg pants; no rain pants; less food, fuel; sneakers vs sandals; bivvy—clothes peg, stakes, guy line, what are the attachments for; med sack; water sack? papers; cook kit; just one toothpaste Priorities (from the previous trip > modify for next trip) 1. General—How, what to realize, reflect o The way, share, publish § Dedication § Life problems (sibling) o My life § The way, above § $ Work, other o Place, general § Eureka, Arcata 4 Humboldt 4 Del Norte, Trinity4 CA, US 4Mexico, World 4Isolation, 6 months, 1 year+ o Intrinsic / extrinsic § Intrinsic · Meditate, nature watch · Hike § Extrinsic · X, stretch · Hike 2. Weaverville o Realtors o Internet o Word of mouth o Apartments Health—posture, exercise > water, one meal a day (diet research: home and packing) > ¯ meds (0.5 tab), ¯ sugar, mole, no beer People—R > 0.5 hr. prep, 1 day a month, no deferment (casual call fine); set boundaries | G > engage neutrally | S > deal, dismiss The problem and its solution. The essential items are numbered; the unnumbered are inessential—some must not be said Summary—the following does not mean I do not love you; to me, you are one of three most important living people to me (you, Carissa, and I)—and the goal is not to cause you distress but to end mine. The message. There are things you say about my life and choices that are harmful, resulting in distress (which is also bad for health), and diminished function (I do not say you intend it). I have asked you to stop at least indirectly over many years, with only partial result. On the other hand, the benefit is essentially zero since your ‘advice’ is either trivially obvious (and one sided) or absurd. The cost-benefit ratio is prohibitive to this continuing. I now see that requesting you to stop will not change the situation. I will not live with this over the next 20 years or so, and if you do not agree to stop it, I must avoid calling you. I have found recently that I do not entirely look forward to calling you—”my weekly dose of negativism”. The following must end—judgment, advice, and probing questions leading to the same. Weekly calls sustain the negativity, and I will resume calling only when you assure me that it will end and the feeling itself dissipates. If it happens again the waiting period will increase. This is not negotiable. End of main message. It is a mistake is that I did not do this earlier—the main reasons for not doing so being unclear thinking, the mistaken thought that my requests alone would bring it to an end, sweeping the issue under the carpet, and not wanting to distress you. Though there is more in the way of explanation, it would be an endless pit, a dilution of what I want to say, and a diversion from my objective to end this perhaps main source of distress in my life. I do think it strange (bizarre) that you insist on a ‘right’ to what I see as essentially intrusive (if caring) behavior. I know there may be costs, but I accept them. 1. Love, caring, two-way. 2. What I say must be minimal for explanations can be argued and the full truth would start an endless rabbit hole. I do not want to get into names or hear you whine. That could be another rabbit hole. Here are some names for you—judgmental (in a bad way), presumptuous, intrusive, overbearing but blind to it, sarcastic – angry but then innocent – evasive – denying, oddly entitled, interfering, enmeshed, manipulative. 3. Cost-benefit. What—(but examples) judgment, advice, probing questions then judgment. Cost—deep pain, negative aura, negative function. Unhealthy—my measured blood pressure went up from typical 120/80 or less to 160/104 while thinking about all this. Focus—I focus on myself, so this is not a criticism of you (i.e., I am not judging your behavior positively or negatively). Benefit—negative because except trivial issues the advice is trivially obvious or absurd. Conclusions—the negative result must stop, particularly judgement, advice, probing. Asking you has not stopped it, I have been asking / objecting for years, trying to stop feeling the pain has not stopped it, so I must act. You may find this dismaying. I find it bizarre that your behavior has gone on for so long; and bizarre that I have allowed it to do so. You once said I can ignore the advice; similarly, you can stop it; you say you want me to be happy—so why continue it if I have told you, it is a source of pain? It means you see the world—me at least—as an extension of yourself. I have allowed you to be an ass-hole hiding behind innocence. No more. No longer am I going to be nice to an ass-hole that pretends to not be an ass-hole and hides his ass-hole-ness behind I am nice, I care, I want you to be happy. It is really odd—bizarre—that you think your advice is needed (even if it were good). I am capable and do not need repetitious trivial or bad advice. Some of it is you being just contrarian, which you are quite a bit. I could tell you were in ‘pain’ when I said I would not talk to you if it continued, and I understand that one of your motivations is caring, but the bottom line is that the issue is discussion of my life. You have the right to say what you want to, but that does not make it right, and does not oblige me to put myself in the situation where I hear something painful to me. How shall we determine what is okay to say? Here is my view—when it is about your life, you decide what is okay (and you have done that and I have complied); about the world, we decide mutually (mostly tacitly of course); about my life, I decide (and don’t understand why you have an issue with this except, perhaps, that there are ‘boundary issues’—a mistaken notion of who you are in relation to me). It is odd that you do not know how judgment, advice (even probing), can be negative. Suggest you look up ‘on giving advice’ on the Internet or read People Skills by Robert Bolton (the point being that it is not just me objecting randomly—advice giving behavior is a well-known issue in human relations). What probing? Many Christmases, birthdays, vacations—do you have friends there, are you spending the day with people, and then negative judgment (“commiserating”) I found an unsent letter written in 2013 which says almost what I am now saying—and many similar sent letters to which I got no response), in fact I complained then and you essentially refused to stop, and it is bizarre that it continues and that I have not attempted to stop it forcefully before, have decided it must stop, have progressive solution. Other costs—you could be really helpful by just listening, being a ‘sounding board’, but that is destroyed; and occasionally when I have actually asked for advice, you have had no response. I do not share what is real to me, really important to me, my real plans and you do not benefit from what I could share (there is always some judgment functioning as an interruption). There is so much to share that is not because you are a really poor listener, with always a contrary interrupting. I used to but do not look forward to our conversations and have begun seeing them as my weekly dose of advice and judgment (frequently). I have begun to feel that I am being monitored. Seeing life as a problem (dad, mum too)—life is not a problem. From my perspective, I share to share, and this is a betrayal of trust. And most of your advice is about groveling in the dust as though one is essentially a useless specimen whose only value is to survive as a nothing but a mere survivor. By not going along, I risk consequences from him. I know this. That is not a cost. The real cost would be giving up myself. This is the worst pain ‘from’ others in my life—the judgment from dad and now you… and with you it is worse because (i) I identify with you (ii) I have realized that my repeated requests have not and will not change it (iii) I have, say, twenty years left and do not want them to be like this. Understanding the situation. I am going to talk about psychology and when we ‘psychologize’ someone, even oneself, it is always somewhat hypothetical unless we do the work that therapists do (and may still by hypothetical). So, the following is offered as a possible explanation. Since we have the same parents, we were learned similar insecurities and values. Yet our responses were different. Your judgmentalism (I do not mean that in a bad way at all) went like this—security and status (career) were important to you and part of who you are and so you saw not following that as less (and while it may not be intended, this judgmentalism is a way people spread—project—their fear based, biased, or depressing-as-I-see-it views of life). Therefore, you judged me and (this may be negative) harshly (and I do not mean I inferred it; I heard it in your words and tone of voice). But I wondered why you sometimes judged me even when it had nothing to do with a life or career issue. It occurs to me that if I shared something about my life, you, being judgmental and projecting judgmentalism, may have thought that in sharing, I was judging you and therefore you were judgmental in return (this would explain why you are less disclosing than I and by the way it is quite possible that, in some degree, you live vicariously through me). Also, we have rather different worldviews—yours being strongly secular and deriving values from society, me being that but very much more. Sibling rivalry and enmeshment may be factors. 4. Solution. Step 1. Request you stop. Step 2. If you do not assure me, you will stop or if the behavior continues, I will not talk to you until you do say you will stop, and it shows in your behavior. To begin, if you call, I will assume you agree; but if you still continue the advice etc, I will then need reassurance, e.g., by email. Each break may be longer than the previous. Will not call around vacation, holidays, my birthdays. Step 3, later. For these reasons, and for my life and projects, I want a schedule of interaction. Say, once a month. If we cannot talk, deferment to the next time. Vacations are for getting away from the world. Step 4. Isolation. No visit if you do not stop. 4 > Wake ® Dedicate-affirm ® Rise Water Review times-alarms _____________________________________ ________________________________________________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________________________________________________ ______________________________________________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________________________________________________ ______________________________________________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Attitude Awareness ® redirect Neutral engagement Meditative presence Patience ® integrity of identity ____________________________________________________________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________________________________________________________ 4 > Projects and activities, above, especially bare content Music _________________________________________ _______________________________________________________________________________________________________ > Continue projects after _________ below _________________________________________________________ 4 > Walk > Stretch, weights, grip, knee bends > Meditate > Lunch _______________________ _______________________________________________________________________________________________________ > Chores for the day (Sun—relax, Tue—R) ___________________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________________________________________________________ Thu / Sat—Chores > This > Hair, feet > Clean > Cash > Supplies – for cooking – what I have, pulses, grains, vegetables, nuts, tortillas, yogurt | cleaners – paper food-storage | meds, toilet| stamps, envelopes, cards | maintain clothes, gear, bike ___________________________________________________________________________________________________ 4 > Exercise TTHSAT &OR Walk-bike with nature photography MWF _____________________________________ _______________________________________________________________________________________________________ 4 > PM PMX Review this, print, rest, shower | Realize projects engage meditate |φ beer-movie ____ ___________________________________________________________________________________________ > Sleep This > auto day, life, week 4Notes __________________________________________________________________________________________________4 Detailed planning— __________________________________________________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________________________________________________________ |