April 22, l997

Dear Jaysi,

Hi! It was good to receive your letter and I was left with a nice warm feeling after reading and absorbing the content.

I ordered a personal computer from Gateway 2000. It's exciting especially because it's going to be a useful tool. It came last night ‑ overwhelming: so much technology. Not exactly the direction I want to move in. Will probably be preoccupied with it for at least a couple of weeks and perhaps more... Hence this card with a brief note. I'll write a little more in a few weeks but didn't want to wait that long to write something.

Am really pleased that your trip is going well despite doubts and neuroses. Hope the rest of your journey is everything you want it to be ‑ and more if that's possible. Yes I experienced the pollution when last there in 1988. But its a great place with great experience to be had, ancient knowledge still mixed up with the 20th century. I hope that all these realms ‑ the good ones ‑ open up to you and you to India.

Regarding health goals, a book you might find useful is Diet and Nutrition, by Rudolph Ballantine, l978. Have you seen it? Combines western scientific nutrition, anthropological data, Ayurveda, ideas on how to experiment with one's diet, and clear thinking. Meant primarily for people living in the West. I have used the book in some simple ways but haven't read it entirely.

Thank you for the positive comments on the letter to my parents. The main compliment was reading it. Wow! Yes it is arduous in places where I sort of know what point I'm trying to make but its probably difficult for someone else due to the quality (or lack) of the writing. And it was unbearable to write at times but I felt an inner necessity. Am still not sure what my father's reaction is. Learnt much in writing it. I hope it was worth your effort and time. Thank you for reading it. I do appreciate it ‑ even though I do feel a little exposed.

I've been in touch with LuAnn and enjoyed that ‑ hope its not all past tense. As you probably know she's doing the brave, hopeful but risky thing out there in New Hampshire with John and a child on the way ‑ she's got guts. I was surprised to get a letter from her from England not far from London where my brother and parents live.

News? The main thing is my project/fundamental commitment ‑ it's always evolving and is truly a challenge. Am I up to it? Do I want it, want to do it? How to manage resources? Balancing focus and flow. So much to be done ‑ not just intellectual; I want to experience and be what I claim to know. And the aim is nothing less than the ultimate as expressed in Veda‑Upanisad‑Gita‑Sruti including Sankhya/Yoga... all of which I know very little. But I want also connection with everyday experience, the modern world and other traditions. I tremble at times with fear and at times with excitement at the whole thing. And what of love, does it need to be with someone whose hopes mesh with mine? I feel lonely at times for others with whom to share my journey. Occasionally I become overloaded ‑ work, people demands including housemate ‑ and have to find resources sometimes within, sometimes in rest, or in humor, in music, art or at times running on the beach near the ocean or amid dunes and grass.

Music is lovely. Please tell me why. I take back what I said about the African Drum being more powerful than Tabla. I have been learning to listen better to Tabla and its intimate relation to the musical whole. And am hearing some things ‑ power and music ‑ in Tabla that I did not hear before. Continue to love African music. My latest CD is of the Baul Music of Bengal; was strongly affected by this.

Have missed you more than I expected. Perhaps this is not rational but it true. In saying I care for you or like you I have no specific motive now other than to express the feeling and that I like the idea of connection but am not focused on any specific kind of connection. That's at least partly selfish because I enjoyed meeting you and experienced you as funny at times, warm, smart, attractive ‑ a good person to know. But not totally selfish in that connection doesn't require you to do something for me and is not something to be withdrawn as a result of choices that you make.

I've written more than intended but will write again in some weeks.

Hope you are doing really well, have much fun, joy, excitement, realization. Good luck in your health goals. About neuroses ‑ a friend at work says "you're strength is your weakness." If one can't cure neurosis one can try to use/transform it in positive ways. Also hope your family is well.

Lots of love,

Anil

Some notes:

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