Wednesday, April 15, 1998

Hi Jaysi,

Read your letter - felt pain. More for you and some for me.

You ask if I have words for you in your search for love and acceptance and self-acceptance. Not much. I think the ability to heal is within you. You have intelligence, imagination and courage and I admire that in you. I think the recent episode with Satyu is especially painful because mixed in with love, romance were/are your especial hopes for India, the potential to share ideals and goals, to nurture and heal, to look out on the universe together. I'm guessing, not presuming. In that kind of situation one's foundation is shaken. I experience it.

At times I've missed love - or a love - terribly but I've noticed that simple warmth and caring is a pretty good thing.

For me what has healed, at least partially, is investing energy in my own life, goals, interests, ideals, getting all that back on track, re-establishing the foundation, being whole in myself. That does not mean isolation but being open. Nurture yourself, remind yourself that you can be whole, think about what it takes, act, forgive yourself if you falter, continue to think, feel, rethink, act…This is something that has helped me and some other people I know - its not a formula or even a recommendation.

I'm not presuming that something that has helped me in my life is even applicable to yours but if it's of any value to you I'll be very happy. It has not been a complete solution for me and I find that the results have been slow, cumulative and take time.

The result is not complete equilibrium. I still feel pain where pain would normally be felt. But the foundation, my sense of wholeness remains relatively secure. And, for me it was not a casual thing, I put my whole self into being whole and healthy and it continues to require attention.

Perhaps you are back together with Satyu - despite intentions - after three more days in the desert perhaps not. In any case I wonder why he would not have known he was going to miss his previous love. It's a puzzle to me. Forgive me if I make a guess - hesitate to speculate: he did not see you as complementing his ego but not necessarily in any negative sense. Not that you could not or should not… or could or should… but just that he did not see it that way. Perhaps you are too independent…

I saw "Kundun" recently - Martin Scorcese's film about the Dalai Lama's life from birth till he went to India. Not what I had hoped for but still makes me feel - as does the reality of your situation - that all I offer is words.

Anyway please forgive any presumption. Bottom line: I feel much for you, have love for you, hope the best for you.

Did you notice the " that you could not or should not… or could or should…" in an earlier paragraph. Covering all bases. I remember your amusement at this disposition of mine.

This wants to be a short letter. I do not even know whether you will get it. It seems you may be traveling. If you want to hear from me let me know where I may write. Also, my email is now anilmitra@aol.com.

Yes sun and fresh air on skin is great. I love that…today is a lovely spring day!

Yes money is a hateful trap. Therefore I'm still working at the "mental health" facility. I'm not sure why you think I'm not there. We had the most horrible take down (scuffle) with a young man the other day. I do not enjoy that. Oh but relations with the bad supervisor are better. Humor is part of the key and fortunately she is not a bad person.

I may have said I intended to leave the place in 18 months. That would have been 10 months ago. My plans have now changed. I intend to wrap up some small projects, and reorganize the previous version of EDA. It was typed by a friend on an archaic Macintosh computer and is in an awful mess. Once that is done I plan to focus on looking for something else. Possibilities are (1) something analytic/technical with interest and or more money and (2) a venue for more focused work on EDA. I do not want to leave this area - it is so lovely but I accept that I may need to leave.

The problem of the work scene is not the rigors of the work itself but that it is taking time, energy, focus away from my real interest. You may have wondered what a PH. D., someone who is academically bright, is doing in that job. There's a partial answer in the letter to my parents which you read. For years I enjoyed the work and was not bothered by the work. But various things have begun to bother me and that includes status. For years the work was a solution to the problem of money, enjoyable work, and not having the energy demands of professional engineering - weekends, taking work home… But that has somewhat changed too - I need to really focus on my true interest with more sustained energy. Working on the computer, working on EDA takes one kind of energy and the mental health takes another and switching back and forth - week, weekend, week, weekend…- is difficult. Add in my wish to have some kind of love in my life and that is the outline of a problem which requres a solution.

My plan is to complete the projects outlined above, and then focus on what I need to do. Stop the coffee thing and see what that does. A short hiking trip - that is good for focus. Run more - also good for focus, and the beaches here are so beautiful. Here is a quote from a letter that I wrote to LuAnn a year ago:

I have been running 3 - 5mi, 3 times a week at the beach amid dunes - it is wonderful following the contours of the dunes allowing my energy to flow with the earth. I ran this evening as the sun was setting amid clouds with colors of purple, blue, gold, orange... another day: I have run 3 miles out to the mouth of the Mad River and as I turn back to complete a six mile loop, at first in soft sand next to the river and then flowing amid the dunes and the elymus grass, a blue heron stands silently and as I pass it is disturbed by my presence and starts an ascent against ocean, sky, setting sun and streaks of grey‑purple cloud... it is going to be hard to leave this place.

"Fire" may have been banned in India.

Glad you enjoyed Calcutta.

I saw a picture of the Thar Desert in National Geographic Magazine. Looked like the Sahara. You must have loved it. Hope your disappointment with love did not intrude into that.

Thank you for sharing with me the quality of your desert dump. Dumps are underrated as pleasurable activity. I thought of the following poem while half awake this morning: I hope your humps are not as dry as your desert dumps. I was sort of in a bad mood but laughed at my silliness and that lightened my mood.

I believe the essential points of EDA should be simple.

What makes the work difficult is (1) It is sort of the story of my confusion. I write as I learn and when I've learnt I move on instead of polishing and consolidating. (2) The path I've taken is through a lot of disciplines into which I've put a lot of effort. (3) I have developed a facility for abstract, imaginative thought and one of my concerns is the reality of that thought. But I think I should not be too concerned since there is such a thing as experiments with ideas in the history of thought and also since imagination and reason are not exclusive but mutually enhancing. The path and the abstract thought are not necessary to the final result but following them require some effort. Otherwise I don't think it should be "above your head" although it may be outside your interest and inclination.

I hope you do not think that I judge people by whether they understand my thought. Or, that I would be less interested in knowing you because of a lack that. I do like friends to be interested and I do like to talk about EDA and related stuff - its fun and useful regardless of whether the other has a complete grasp. I don't have a complete grasp because I'm struggling at the edge of my own limits.

I do hope that the edge of my limits shares some territory with "truth" and the edge of human endeavour - of course and that is a motivation but not the only one.

When I was in high school my writing was known for its simplicity - I could tell an interesting human story in very simple terms. Now my writing is too complex - for various reasons not all of them necessary. But I when talk and explain things remain simple.

The computer thing is kind of exciting. In addition to use as a mechanical tool I had also hoped to experiment with using it to help in the idea process itself. Am beginning to have some small success with this even though there is a way to go. I have needed to learn more than I expected and it is slow at times, fun at others. That learning may be useful in other ways.

Am glad I said I love you. I was concerned about your response but felt it was a risk I wanted to take. Rejection is better than vagueness. After doing that I felt release. I had put out my feeling. I wouldn't need to feel regret about remaining silent. And I'm pleased that your response is positive. Pleased for me and also glad and happy that it feels good to you. [Thank you.] I'm glad you think it's magnanimous.

Here's my simple thought on romantic love. My experiences have matched up to and exceeded my hopes. But so far only temporarily and briefly. So perhaps my hopes were unrealistic. But that affects how I hope and does not eliminate hope. Meanwhile I'm getting on with my life even though something seems missing at times. My thought adventures into the nature of all being has shown me a larger perspective - and the world in which I live is revealed as lovely - which has worked its way into my self and made my foundation more secure. Natural enough - I've been developing the thoughts for a long time. But perhaps this points to one sub-conscious motive for my EDA project and related activities.

But I also want the loveliness of love. Holding, feeling skin, breathing together, the presence of another…But I've also noticed that just living with people, sharing, caring, without romantic love - although not the same is a pretty good thing.

I hope you find and accept love.

I'm reading the part of your letter where you describe the story of your relationship with Satyu. I feel pain some for me much for you but no doubt only a fraction of your pain. Your feeling of loss is so deep. I want to hold you. But I feel good that you trust me enough to share that story.

You are considering single motherhood? Courageous but rewarding.

Plans for the rest of your trip are exciting. Flamenco dancing in Spain. Trekking in Nepal. Wow. Reminds me how much loveliness there is in the world. Makes me envious. Would be fun to be there. But… hope you have adventure, rewards. Thanks for sharing parts of your life.

"Om" is not primarily a Hindu symbol for me. But the people who invented the underlying system of ideas were extraordinarily creative. I think that kind of dynamic creativity needs continual refreshment. To me "Om" is "infinite". But it's also based in body and senses. So it reminds me of my connection with the world and the universe. Brings me out of my little selfish self. Don't need that symbol to accomplish the effect but its neat that the symbol was created in the land where I was born and with which I still somewhat identify.

A good side of religion - I think - is when common symbols point to shared truth and help make human relations better. Just the sharing of symbols and ritual can be a community thing as in scientific and artistic communities. I've never adhered to any formal religion but I do see beauty in some religions. What I see, though, changes.

Yes bigoted fundamentalism is horrible. Its been sweeping the world not just India. Personally, I don't mind fundamentalists or fundamentalism except that it seems to go with various kinds of bigotry to the point of violence and hate and that's when it becomes hateful.

I'm not sure what to do with people who hate. Should I hate them? I suppose I have hate feelings from time to time. But, I'm glad I don't hang on to them. Maybe anger is better than hate.

A number of my female coworkers are angry with men. They are usually old enough to have had disappointments in relationships. This does not come out at me but it does at other male coworkers and in generalized ways. These are women who are intelligent, caring and otherwise attractive. Anger is OK. But the generalized anger makes me not interested in them in anything beyond casual friendship.

You are wondering where our friendship will go. Me too. Good places, I hope. Romantic love is a potential presence - at least for me. I'm not saying that to emphasize or to require it but just to be open. But friendship, being interested in the other is also good in itself. It's probably the best thing - even if I want more and in some ways I do - regardless of whatever else may happen. It would be nice if you were here now. I am committed to my own life and ambitions; and I wouldn't want to do anything hurtful to anyone or anything secret (if I or you had another relationship) but am otherwise open. I know you would not want to do those things either; one thing I've learnt about you is that you are honest and respect others.

I wanted to write a very brief letter…

I want to express love. I want to express a hope that your life is good. These topics deserve at least paragraphs but actually much more. But simplicity is best. Much love to you Jaysi. Hope your family is doing well.

Anil