April 18, 2001
Dear Jaysi,
Your letter came four weeks
ago. Really quite a wonderful letter in that you have covered some of the inner
ground that you had been looking for - meditation, recovery of loss, distinction
between shoulds and acceptance of what is… Beyond your words I felt something
positive from your writing - acceptance, radiance…The new poems seem to reflect
this change.
There is the story of the
tiger cub - it's in the Gospel of Sri Ramakrishna - brought up by goats. As it
grew it would graze and bleat like goats and wonder why it felt awkward doing
so. Life goes on… but one day the cub was introduced to meat which it ate with
a feeling of revulsion… but mixed with the revulsion was a strange feeling of
power as, instead of the bleat, a roar arose in its throat and it felt good as
it realized what it was…
But did I tell you that
regardless of your accomplishments, I respect and admire your initiative and
courage in your Indian journey. The concept. Family pressures. That India can
be difficult in so many ways… And I'm glad that despite the difficulties, you
are liking India. I thought: modesty in clothing does not hide beauty of
person, voice or movement. The qualities to life and experience in India - not
that its all positive - are something I miss at times.
We are hearing apparently
conflicting things about India. India - possibly an emerging economic
superpower. India - bulging at the seams. The largest democracy. Politically
unstable. A friend of mine - Punjabi father, Bengali mother long since
separated lives in Austin, Texas - recently returned from a few years in
Bombay/Mumbai. He thinks India is falling apart. He is doing a master's thesis
at the University of Texas, Austin - I taught there for four years - in Asian
Studies on the concept held by Indians in the US on what it means to be Indian.
Religious fundamentalism and social conservatism seem to be a large part of it.
Some Indians in Austin list their caste in the phone book.
I would like to breathe
India's air, feel it's earth. Despite the contradictions of India as a place
where there is a tradition in which life and persons are respected but where
reality is and may always have been more complex.
I am going to see
"Fire" directed by Deepa Mehta. It is probably going to be painful.
I've had dreams about the
bathrooms in India. One dream had me traveling in a train. Found myself in the
bathroom - walls covered with thickslimydiseasedstuff which I brushed against
as the carriage rocked. It was part of a larger dream which had us at one point
doing a ritual dance in the south of India - a line of people formed a snake
snaking forward pumping arms up and down chanting then we formed two circles.
And at another point I was regarded as a subversive by government agents just
because I tried to board the train which was when I went to the bathroom where
the agents found me forced me out by causing the walls to collapse in said
"We will let you out but first we must call the President of India to take
your confession." Later about the snake dance I wrote, "there is a
feeling of magic, of the potential infinite, of mystery." The dance began
at a religious festival where I was at the periphery, began my own dance and
people joined.
I
have not taken a meditation course but I would like to. I think I know
something of Yoga, meditation from my own reading, reflection and practice but
I am everyday aware that my union with my self (acceptance) and the ultimate
are imperfect.
One of my beliefs is that
the essentials of all real knowledge including the esoteric are accessible to
all healthy persons. The role of the teacher is to bring this out. The role of
the pupil is to be diligent. The role of the teacher is to show what is real
diligence. When to try and when to flow. The teacher is a pupil learning how to
teach. And so on. OK I'm rambling a little here. But I believe the first
sentence of this paragraph to be real.
Are you going to Calcutta?
I have two favorite relatives there. I love them - they are wonderful people
and would enjoy a visit from you, welcome you. They would also love to meet
someone who knows me. They are daughters of my father's older brothers. Kajal
is 60 something and Minu (Arati) is my age. They grew up in Kanpur, moved to
Calcutta when they got married, and know Hindi well in addition to Bengali and
English. Kajal's husband recently died. Minu's husband, Jayanta, has the same
last name. Don't feel obliged to visit just because I'm giving you their
addresses but you would be welcome and it would be a chance to meet real
Bengalis and, in this case excellent people, in their own environment. I have
written to them telling your name and that you might visit Calcutta.
Arati Mitra (Minu) Kajal
DeBakshi
14-8B Gariahat Road 41
Lake Temple Road
Calcutta 19 Calcutta
29
33
440 6655 33
440 0521 or 33 41 0521
My
parents were sure that Minu's number is correct. Again, please don't feel
obliged in any way. I know it can be awkward visiting someone else's relatives.
Just regard it as an opportunity that's there if you want it.
Three high points to my
five-week vacation. #1 Ideas, synthesis, sun, nature, physical activity. At one
point I pitched my tent at the edge of a meadow next to the forest. It was an
enchanted place with the light next to the shadow and the birds and small
animals liked it too and conducted much activity in the trees near the edge as
I minded my affairs in the meadow on the other side of the edge… Thought of the
following analogy that I wrote to friend and would like to share with you:
I live 4 miles north of
town in farm country. I feel at home. I grew up in a small town in West Bengal,
India. Our house was the edge of the forest. Edges are enchanted places where
the comfort of the known meets the mystery of the unknown. That is one reason I
like philosophy - it is where the known and the unknown meet. That is part of
what I mean when I use the word "philosophy." Things are not very
well defined at the boundary but there it is beautiful like dawn and dusk. Not
all philosophy is like that. Academic philosophy can be dry. And even when it
is like that edge - especially when it is like that edge - it involves
struggle.
#2 Was caught in an early
winter storm. Actually two storms with a beautiful day in between sun-filled
but cold, snow on the trees and slopes. Evening of that day the second storm
came in through the valley leading up to the lake and enveloped the cirque
(photograph) surrounding the lake on three sides. Alternated between snow and
rain, gear got wet and I could not stay warm. The way out was over cliffs that
might have been icy. Struggled to control fear, remain rational. Despite that
the situation was intensely beautiful and powerful and I felt contact with my
fate and reality. When I decided to leave, adrenaline had me breathing as if I
was doing heavy exercise. My 90lb pack (more because of wet gear) seemed like
40lbs. And balance and perceptual acuity were acutely heightened. While waiting
I made a list of people I love and wrote them a letter (not mailed.) Returning to
town to dry out, everything seemed very, very real. I felt alive.
#3 Spent three of the last
days with LuAnn, John, Clara-Sophia. Had originally thought to look for jobs
but decided instead to hang out and enjoy being with them. Made lamb curry.
Indian sweets from the Maharani restaurant, Berkeley. Bought spices, papad,
Bhimsen Joshi tapes, K L Saigal CDs, Mohabbat and Chhoti Bahu sound tracks. Had
wanted Bhimsen Joshi recordings for years. One of the items RAGA JAUNPURI: Khayal Madhyalaba
Teental - 'Payal Ki Jhankar '
reminded me of you because you dance. Also acquired a "celebrating 50
years of freedom" tape with Indian and American performers and
engineering. One of the songs "Aye Mere Watan Ki Logo" was originally
sung patriotically by Lata Mangeshkar in 1962 I think at the time of the
Chinese invasion and caused Jawaharlal Nehru to shed tears… Went with LuAnn and
family to a concert at the AA Khan school. Wife and husband from Calcutta gave
good performances, Swapan Choudhuri's accompaniment was just great. Mostly,
though, I enjoyed being with the family and experiencing family life for a few
days. Felt lonely after leaving. I think my report about LuAnn and John is
positive - they're working on their issues, the house has good vibrations, the
baby is drawing John out, LuAnn is hopeful…
Enjoyed your images of me.
I have so many images of you. Red jacket, black hair, black jeans, sandals,
bicycle on Golden Gate bridge…brown ankle between jeans and sandals in the cave
at the beach with the duraflame… and so on… carry them around with me.
My life? Tough! The
challenge of my work [EDA…] is not
just EDA but the experiences and reflections behind it, its ambitious nature,
what I want to do with it all. There's the intrinsic challenge, which is
somewhat boggling, but I can't avoid since I have he instruments: body, mind
for thinking and living and computer for writing, planning and producing. Then
there is the logistics: work work,
love (??), contacts, move where people have like interests, produce, publish. I
have written and so much that organizing it is a major task before moving on.
Doing a lot of different things. Continue to write but that is going to be slow
until all the old stuff is put in order. Learning Visual Basic programming.
Learning some engineering applications. A number of other things. I have been
pressuring myself. I ask myself why at times since happiness could be very
simple but I make it complicated. To a degree it’s a sacrifice. But the
toughness alternates with the reward of small steps of accomplishment.
I have reached some sort of
equilibrium with my parents. They responded to my "letter" in their
way - my father in his way and my mother in hers. To ask more would be sort of
bullying. And somewhat absurd. They're physically frail. My dad still wants to
jump in and give advice and judge but I can usually remind him to not do that.
We've been able to express love for each other and there is a lot of love in
there mixed up with everything else. They both know that they do not have too
many years left and I think we all know that we want the remaining period to be
filled with love.
You may have concluded from
my letter to my parents that I enjoyed working at the hospital and that I cared
for the patients. That conclusion would not have been inaccurate. There have
been some changes in my feelings. Employee morale and staff-administration
relations have become poor. That has been impacting me. Despite the fact that
our patients can be physically
combative and verbally abusive I've always found staff relations to be the
controlling factor in quality of work environment. More importantly, I need to
change even though it is still convenient. It is a phase of my life (seven
years!) that has completed its
significance. I still care and this comes out everyday but I feel bad on
account of our treatment, which emphasizes the instrumental and is patronizing.
So I have been wanting to
write to you but it has been conflicting with the pressure to work away on my
projects at my computer. So today I decided to take a break from the work and
write. It feels good. While I composed this letter I sat in the sun listening
to music: "Legacy" by Ali Akbar Khan and Asha Bhosle. And it is a
good exercise to do this, to take a break from the work, because one day I will
walk away from the whole thing to just live and be.
Jaysi. I still miss and
love you. Actually, the word "still" is a little inaccurate. Have not
said that to you before. And the feeling does change but it is there, it is
mostly very good, and even though we are one year, 10,000 miles, and other ways
apart, it feels more real to me. Hesitate for many reasons to say those words:
respect for you, nor wanting to create Karmic burden, we spent less than 48
hours together, probably concern about rejection / appearing "un-cool", what is love?… And I
could water it down to "I think
of you and like you" but why?
After a year I still feel it. You have become special to me and as I said
before it is not merely what you do or do not do for me but also how I feel and
who you are or seem to be. Reflected some about what to say and whether to say
and finally decided my feeling is significant at least to me and it would be
sort of tragic if not said and expressed. Even if (especially if?) not acted
upon. The only condition is that it is not a commitment and, as a result of
restraint, I am not asking for anything. Well maybe I am asking for something -
I do like you, hope for your friendship… think it would be nice to see you… but
I'm not asking you to deviate from your path - whatever that may be - and am
not assuming that you would. Just as my path is important to me. And no
commitments does not mean not caring or denial of the common unspoken
commitments among friends - among all people I wish - to keep other's best
interests in mind.
Yes, I'm interested in love
but have not recently found any compelling interest - someone I like enough,
who likes me enough and whose hopes mesh enough with mine. And - I've said this
before and perhaps it is so obvious as to not need to be said - I have no
reason to want you to not be interested in relationships, love… If I care as I
say I do I should want you to experience and have those things.
That started a train of
thought. Isn't love lovely? All of its manifestations. I thought of you being
totally in love with someone (not me) - erotic, wanting, tender, beautiful,
caring, warm. Oops that made me feel lonely for a moment… but it would be a
wonderful thing and I hope you have it if you don't yet.
And so to realization of
&or peace with all your hopes.
Next thought. My
experiences with love. Mixed of course. But in there are such wonderful events
and happenings. My mother's love. Despite what I've said about issues with my
parents her love was full and unconditional in so many ways. I wonder if I was
spoilt. Maybe but not spoilt rotten I hope. Women's love. Breathing the same
air, sharing the same space is just good at times. And then, if one has hopes,
sharing and encouraging in endeavor. Friends. The other day I felt good when a
male friend visited. Love of sun, blue sky, green hills. Love of .Years and days of joy at times.
You spoke of generic
loneliness in an earlier letter. I suppose that this letter, all my letters,
most of my writing and activity, is reaching to connect to other spirits and
bodies.
I think about titles for my
work. This morning in bed "Question and Answer" occurred. Does not
sound inspiring but here is what it means. Question is the life of the seeker,
and philosopher who ask in what ways am I connected with . Answer is the confident life in
which begins with me , stretches
out like a vast landscape to infinity starting at my feet, is the terrain where
I play.
I end with love and respect
P.S.
Actually took two morinings to write. Would have preferred to write by hand but
the computer is so convenient and I want to improve even the simple skills. I
like hearing from you, how it is whether good or bad. Don't hesitate to share
your pain and joy. How is Bhopal? The Director (satyu)? Enjoying the work? Doing
the research you planned?