March 5, l997

Dear Jaysi,

I recall some of your hopes and plans for India: music, medicine, and your grandfather, experience of place, being true to yourself. Actually, I do not remember mention of experience of place but this idea must have been present. Perhaps by now what were ideas, expectations, and plans are working out, becoming real, adapting to fit the actual situation. Your journey seems to me to be an adventure of mind, spirit and discovery; and of giving and receiving. An incidental thought: I would like to know something of the research method and interpretive model - and final reflections on the project including effect on and reception by the people that you work with. I have been missing India and the idea of adventure and am a little envious of your situation. I am also admiring and appreciative of your courage, initiative, intelligence; I think I may have some idea of what it takes. For these reasons - and because I experienced you as warm, good to do things and be with - I have felt and thought that it would be good to share some of this with you. But I do not truly wish this that much because this is your journey, to be done and experienced by you; and I wish and hope that the process and its result are most excellent and real.

The last time I missed India in any significant way was l97l - 72; that was my second year in the U.S.; the previous year had been an exciting experience of exposure to a new culture and of being a fresh graduate student involved with research and advanced courses. In l97l-72 I was homesick. This time it is different. I think it is because I am open to and want wider experience in the dimensions of feeling and of relationship with all being and I see that India, roots, might provide some of this. But, of course, there is still much for me in the way of deep experience to be had in the New World. And the ultimate in experience and being should be accessible in all Worlds. But experience is, perhaps, conditioned by others with whom it may be shared. The culture of India is includes elements of ancient tradition, that of America focuses more on what is new. This affects what is shared with others and how it is shared. So there are choices to be made, there is an experience to be designed.

I have missed you and wish that you were here... It is some months since I said "there's a place for you in my heart"... It is hard to express months of feeling in a short letter but feelings remain. You have affected me deeply. More accurately, I have been affected deeply and the foci of affect are you and my openness to life and experience. That is subjective. Objectively, even though we spent less than forty eight hours together, you are probably the significant new figure in my life over the past two or three years.

This is partly due to where I am in my life and its path. It is also due, no doubt, due to your having roots in both America and India. That probably includes how you look, your attitudes and behavior to others and your interests; I do not see anything bad in this. But my feeling is especially a result of my experience of you as open to experience, warm, attractive, electric and intelligent; a scary but nice combination.

In visiting you I wanted to see what is good, this is natural, but I was also open to a whole experience and that includes your whole person. My feeling and awareness of you is from my whole experience and this includes what may be negative in you.

"There is a place for you in my heart" means (1) being open to knowing you better and more and to where this might lead. I would like to have love in my life and that includes relationship and commitment. This would have to be consistent with the elements of my life. It also means (2) caring for you, being a friend, wherever you are and go and that includes commitment, marriage to another person...and respecting that.

I can be and enjoy being a friend even when I may have wanted more. To me this is good. It is a source of excellent connections and of a healthy level of detachment. This detachment is not from persons. It means having and enjoying wants and desires, enjoying the satisfaction of the wants but not needing the satisfaction and not needing to totally avoid disappointment and pain.

I am not making any assumptions. I do not know what you are feeling or whether you want or intend to pursue any feeling that you may have. It seemed that when we last talked you had some positive feeling toward me but also, and equally or more importantly, had an openness to all possibilities for your own life. That I have not heard from you yet may be an indication. I have no way of being sure. I am expressing my feeling and interest.

I also want to avoid assumptions being made about me. It is true that I have good feelings for you. But I would not like to be seen as trying to pressure you in any way. My interests in you are authentic; at least they seem authentic to me. But I do not want to be seen as coming primarily from a place of need. To me this interest is a possibility that I see, without in any way minimizing you or my experience of you, as a potentially positive element in the process of my life.

Writing this way is scary but also interesting and exciting to me. I have not written this kind of letter before. Of course I have written to others of my feelings for and interest in them. What is new is the combination of feeling and interest, of openness to rejection even though it is scary, of rationality regarding the elements and process of my life, of hope and neutrality at the same time, and of being open to success and failure. There are other things I also need to be doing. But I decided to also do this, to write this letter. The immediate occasion is that I like you; that my feelings remain strong have perhaps grown; that this is significant to me since even though I knew I liked you. I did not expect to miss you in the way and for as long as I have. This letter is an experiment. But it is a necessary experiment because it includes or embodies a new phase of my life - a phase in which priorities are clear and are to be pursued in an integrated designed way. Therefore the following is intentional: this letter is also a design, a blueprint, for future conduct. So, writing is exciting in two ways: first because I am writing to you, expressing a strength of feeling for you and secondly because I am writing for myself.

I have been thinking this way since 1993 or so when I realized that my changing interests and the clarification and definition of my ambitions and goals meant that personal compatibility was not enough to secure stability in a relationship. Because of the nature of the specific projects shared interests and goals would have to be present from the beginning and I would have to be explicit about that. But this has been difficult to implement because it seems instrumental and because the formation of relationships is somewhat haphazard anyway. But ignoring the need for explicitness is a formula for failure. Therefore being explicit is more sensible, more caring. Perhaps all this is and should be obvious but I do not think that I am being neurotic: I know from experience how people react. Of course, under the surface everyone is and has to be instrumental but one is not supposed to say or consciously acknowledge that. But attractions and electric connections cannot be ignored. The resolution is to be more instrumental not less. I should integrate my search for love with my search for self-ambitions-goals. This is the next stage, which I should and will begin now.

The developments just described have been occurring in the context of the whole of my life, my relationships with persons and with all being. The main personal relationships are family, love, friends, and work. The letter to my parents was part of this process. I think there may be some changes with my father which may be related to my attempt at connection and openness but are probably also due to his own process, facing illness and possible death. But the main changes are in myself and the way in which I relate to life; they are part of my personal evolution. As in other developments the process is a learning one that is at first randomly noticed and nurtured and then cultivated and designed; and this is applied reflexively: random notice, cultivation, design is applied to itself... and then applied across my life and interests. But this process remains experimental; I still learn, I still feel pain. Of course, the kind of pain I am referring to is due to wanting, to desire. But I am not sure that I want that ultimate dispassionate neutrality of Buddhism or whether that neutrality is possible or necessary to maintain while in full contact with life, whether it is indeed an ultimate ideal. Learning includes discovery including discovery of what the (my) ultimate ideals may be. And, in so far as these ideals are not given or known, discovery includes creation.

There is an analogy with science and mathematics. In the development of a field there is a dual creative process, an interactive one, of simultaneously discovering-creating (i) what to prove - the theorems, and (ii) how to prove the theorems - the proof(s). The actual situation is more complex than just described because the context is fluid - that is, the following evolve too: the mathematical concepts and disciplines and their interrelationships; the concept of proof itself; and relationships between mathematics, science and the world. Herbert Simon, Nobel Laureate in Economics, has characterized scientific and mathematical creativity as search in multidimensional and multi-modal "spaces" of symbol-reality...where symbol spaces include the mathematical spaces of theorem-proof; and reality spaces include being: world:universe:mind:context. These comments include reinterpretation and reformulation of Simon's ideas.

There have been changes in how my father and I are relating. We are closer or at least more able to express and focus on closeness and sharing instead of disagreement. He has been telling me how much he loves me. I had sent my parents a tape of music and they called yesterday to thank me. My father is scheduled for a biopsy today, to see if colon cancer has returned. I asked him if he was worried, scared. He said "no". He has had two previous operations for the same cancer; he has been through a lot. My sister-in-law, Susan, who I think is objective has praised him for his courage. Robin, my brother, says that my father is facing this situation very well... My dad asked me where I was in relation to "love". I answered, not feeling or expecting judgement telling him of some of the important facts, realities, and hopes of my situation. He observed "you are being responsible" in relation to a part of what I had said. I did not read into that that he was thinking that I used to be irresponsible. I responded "No, its not that..." but then, after reflection, "Yes, maybe that's part of it."

I continued "I can tell you one thing: I am leaving this place," meaning that to continue my process will probably require leaving this area, which I have been feeling this intensely. He asked me about my retirement savings. I said that since I had been contributing to PERS, the Public Employee Retirement System, for over five years I would lose neither the employer contribution nor the account. I added that the point did not worry me - I wanted him to admire me... My father then said "You are free to move, I had tremendous responsibilities." I said, "I agree. And I admire you for that." He paused for a moment and then said, with obvious feeling, "Thank you, son. Thank you for saying that"... It was a fairly casual conversation but I was close to tears because of the connection and the sharing instead of opposition.

As I write about these significant events in my life I feel them as emotion and connection. And that translates now, by association, into feeling for all my relationships including feeling for you. I feel it as I write these sentences. It is a wish for closeness and sharing mixed up with awareness of and respect for my own independence - and yours... and a caring for the processes of your life - and mine.

Of course, I am not trying to change you or my relationship with you. I am not assuming or thinking that there is a "relationship" - although I am expressing an openness to you. I am, especially, processing and working on my attitudes to love, friendship and their balance with my relationship with my life and all being. This is where I am. Or, one of your favorite phrases, "it's like that." But at the same time you entered into my awareness, my process, and I experienced you as so positive. And while the process is experimental, I am not thinking of you as an experiment. True, all of life, all of existence is and/or can be seen as an experiment. But, to me, on my personal level, you are real; my interest in you is real; the experiment is mine.

I had said that I remain open to other relationships. This is still true and will remain so until I have a mutual and exclusive agreement or commitment with someone. I suppose this should be obvious but I say it to make sure that I do not mislead you. The truth is that, although this can change, I am not actively seeking or avoiding other relationships or commitments. It is a want-need that is somewhat on hold because of my priorities. It is on hold only in that I am not actively seeking but does not imply a lack of interest. And I am being especially careful, in relation to my goals, with any possibilities that arise.

Remaining open to others is a part of being open to my own life, ambitions and goals. It is because of the more general openness that my attitude to relationships is one of being open-but-not-waiting. The three primary goals are (l) EDA or Evolution, Design and the Absolute. The project itself is one of learning, experience, change, sharing, and application. Included are all my ambitions and goals seen as a unity - which amounts to my exploration and experiments in being and becoming. Levels are from specific disciplines or applications, that is - the world of 10,000 things, to all of being, to a person-society-humankind-life-being-itself... contemplating, acting, living, evolving within and toward all of being... and this includes questions such as what is the most that an individual being - person, mind, consciousness, group, society - can do know and be. I may seek to involve a group of people in this; this will depend on whether I continue to think that the idea is a good one and, of course, upon my personal resources of energy and time. EDA refers to the written version or account of this project of fundamental development with focus on the conceptual, experiential, transformational and design aspects.

The second goal (2) is to learn from experience in nature over an extended period of time, perhaps a year. I have, in fact, spent more than a year in nature, the wild, but not in a continuous stretch. This goal has origins in my love of and experience in nature and in reflection on the connections among the different parts of my life, experience and the world; this situation provides an example of how the different parts of my projects arise and fit together naturally. This goal is part of EDA. The modern world and its variety have immediate and ultimate roots in nature. This is known from the sciences and from art and philosophy, which were a focus of the l987 version of EDA called Evolution and Design. The present goal is to learn, not so much by observation, of which a special case is scientific observation from the outside, but to experience and know also by unconscious and body modes of knowing and through immersion. I want to and I feel that I need to do this myself for my work to be authentic.

What is it that I want to learn in and from nature? I can be more concrete about this. The original interest in nature is for its own sake: beauty, adventure, experience, being at home. Then perception, the art of perception, health, inspiration, contact: nature, self: whole being, spirit, risk, fear. And in learning: learn what I may, randomly, following interest and intuition.

Later, as saw and learned about interconnections, I began to integrate experience from nature others' - and -mine with my primary project: goal 1. A basic formulation of goal 1 is to discover how much a small part of being - an individual, a society and so on - can know, become, be and do; how this can be done; and how much of this is good. Nature is a significant part of all being and so provides an opportunity to pursue the larger whole. Some generic examples of knowing, being and doing from nature: (i) Nature itself and from nature: self, spirit... and all modes of knowing, (ii) The animal universe: learning, including by immersion and empathy, of the nature of the field of knowing, being, relationships, process, and action of an animal or group of animals living in the environments of their natural adaptation; this point and the next one will be elaborated below, (iii) The primal universe - of primal humanity still living in the animal world but with the ability to enter the human universe, (iv) Nature as a source of and for the modern world: origins, economic, metaphorical: as an example of a "part generating a whole".

Here is a descriptive generation of the animal and primal universes. In reflection on "humankind facing all of being" it can be seen-felt that an animal and a primal people have a relation with a whole universe especially in body and non-symbolic and therefore seemingly unconscious ways. This relationship is a form of knowledge, which provides a connection between modern and primal societies; it also provides a perspective on what is essential in the modern world. It is at a deeper level than that of symbolically coded knowledge but is still sufficiently above the level of genetic encoding to be adaptable in a specific organism. This knowledge occurs in the multitude of perceptual and other psycho-physiological adaptations of an organism to an environment of its genetic adaptation, which also constitutes, at this level, its universe. But this universe is not limited to the immediate environment: consider, for example, the source of day and night. The organism is most present in this universe through the multitude of its adaptations. This presence is a precursor and a balance to the abstract distancing between the modern world and its organic base. And, while the overall adaptation of the animal and the primal is to the universe of the organism, the specific adaptations constitute specific instances of knowledge or activity; and the multitude of such adaptations constitute the diversity of that universe. Nature is the context of the animal and primal universes and a place where those universes may be recreated and experienced.

The relation of an animal or primal being to its universe is one of knowledge; here "knowledge" is used in a generalized sense of adaptive relationship-in-process. The kinds of relationship are very general and both potential and actual. Finally, there are some specific relationships that I want to experience and learn from nature and the wild. I am not implying that these ideas are new to the modern world or to me; however my personal objectives are: direct contact in relation to authenticity, completion of my personal learning and growth in relation to the most complete universe generated by myself in the context of a complete history of human - and this is meant in an inclusive sense and to include all modes of being: especially the animal and the primal - ideas and experience, to learn and identify what may be new or relatively new in my thought-experience-becoming, and to use-communicate-share-apply what I learn.

The specific relationships are: (i) A bridge between the modern world - including myself - and nature. "Nature" includes the wild, the animal and the primal. There are a number of ways in which the primal and the animal are more complete than the modern: these focus around the experience being one of a whole rather than a fragmented universe. So, for example, the ideas of art, science, consciousness have sophisticated spoken meanings in the modern world, but - as a result of neglect of the unspoken and of other paradigmatic specializations - meanings that are superficial, fragmented, degraded, and non-interrelated; these meanings do not speak to the human core and therefore modern humanity is in perpetual search of itself. Of course "the strength of a person or of a culture may also be its weakness" and it is likely the explicitness, the specialization and perhaps other factors that makes for the strengths of the modern world: the economic powers, the detailed maps of the universe from science, and so on. Art, science, religion, consciousness have core if unspoken meanings in the primal and animal worlds. And so the next relationship: (ii) A balance to the excesses, incompletions and specialisms or over-specializtions of the modern world. This includes a balance between nature and artifact in the realms of: technology, ideas and cognition... and other realms: a balance between culture and nature. A key is inclusion of and integration with nature rather than return to nature; thus it will be sought to keep what is essential in the modern world and to make what remains whole; this includes and attitude of acceptance - even welcoming and enhancing - but not of resignation toward revolution and extinction. (iii) Knowing nature as a source of survival, security and sanity in the modern world. Included is the idea of nature as destiny. This, however, is not intended as excluding other ideas of destiny. (iv) Nature as a source and foundation of the Modern World and its unity and inner and external relations.

Although experience and being are fundamentally important, experiments are useful and will be undertaken. In relation to experiment, which is a stark form of experience, I have been playing with the relation between: experience and experiment, hard and soft, goal and flow, the Zen formula of mind and no-mind, conscious and unconscious, central and autonomic nervous system - and the synthesis of these poles: the process can be applied to itself: be goal, flow or goal-flow oriented or non-oriented or oriented-non-oriented... Back to the topic of experiments in nature. One experiment is thinking without language which is not easy to do around people. I have had dreams in which I have had no language. I have had anxiety, while awake, that language is limited; this though there are philosophers whom I respect who hold that all experience is expressible in language though this, of course, calls into question "what is language?" and, also, what it means to ask such questions.

A related idea for an experiment compares two modes of being. One is the animal mode in which the world is perceived but not thought about. The other is the human mode in which the being perceives and thinks about the world; there is; in fact, only one world or universe but in the human mode there seem to be two. The animal sees one world. Someone will now say "but animals think too and maybe better than humans do", and one could respond "but that is also judgmental because it assumes the thinking mode to be superior" but this misses my point which is to experience and then perhaps integrate the two modes for which "animal" and "human" are used as labels; and, as such, they are extreme poles which always occur in some degree of integration though the integration may be suppressed; and because of suppression, reintegration may be useful or necessary.

The previous two paragraphs show a basis and are paradigmatic for some good psychological experiments…how to generate experiments…and are, therefore, one basis for a map of mind-experiments.

In the animal mode what one sees is what one knows, one is always centered, and no matter how far one travels or what one fears, one is always at home. The human is the mode is one in which alienation and fragmentation can and do occur; but this is the root of the familiar story of alienation and overcoming. The experiment is to experience and live the animal mode as a basis for being human. In all being the two modes are present and integrated in differing degrees. There is a continuum and a synthesis. Therefore there is no question of becoming irrevocably lost in one of the modes. The objective is to explore the poles and space of seeing-knowing, that is of cognition, by experience, empathy and immersion in addition to conceptual-experimental mapping of that space... More generally, in relation to nature and mind, there is a whole world of experiments to be mapped and performed.

There has been an evolution in my own emphasis from the more academically based l987 version to my present focus on "all modes of known, knowing and being". I used to think of academic knowledge as the cutting edge and I still think that knowledge to be significant. I thought knowledge in itself and for its uses was important. I now think that the edge is the human, the being and the knower, facing all of being and existence. This has reflection in religion, art and artifact, myth, the ways of primal peoples and in nature. I will feel rather than force, allow intuition and the unconscious to play - even in the selection of when to be rational. This is the edge where I want to be.

The time frame for the first two goals is now. Work has been done and the elements are coming together. Much has been done but much remains. I am sometimes awed and scared by the scope and magnitude of my own vision but the best answer to this doubt is to act. Action, learning, experience, change, and writing will only focus, sharpen, enhance, and universalize the vision. This will be a part of sharing my life, of being in the process of contribution.

The third goal (3) is what I call being. Here "being" is used as a verb. I hope to have a more casual attitude to goals, to be open to the moment, to value seeing over thinking, to be open to common rewards: work, love, family, friends, clouds and sunsets. Goals will not need to be consuming or universal. I may continue to review and, if necessary, acknowledge analysis and abstraction as a defense against rejection - without rejecting the value of analysis and abstraction; I may similarly continue to discover and review other defenses. I will value and live Art rather than science in experience and creation. The idea is: despite all the gyrations: meaning, accomplishment, wife/husband, children, cars, houses, rules, formulas... enjoying life is simple, the gyrations are a choice and not necessary. Of course a place to live, a person to love and live with, children are wonderful but not so if sought obsessively or compulsively. Some metaphors for this are: life as river, life as art, death as opening rather than closing, flow over force, living in the animal and primal modes - by a whole being and in a whole universe.

In some ways all this - the third goal - is and has been part of my life. It is what allows me to be comfortable with following my own way despite feeling judgement and criticism from others. It has made and is helping make my approach to my goals and my life, even in the face of awe, more flexible and more relaxed. It does not mean that I do not feel anxiety, anger, pain - I feel all the emotions; but I also have a certain distance from them. I have immediacy; but I have also cultivated careful detachment. There is a dimension of comfort with the world; with its flow and with its chaos. Even when I feel anxiety my actions are not necessarily anxiety driven. It is my gift to myself - and sometimes to others; but others also find this disconcerting at times because I do not react as desired or expected; I do not react when expected. It is also difficult for me at times; for all the balances I am talking about are not in a perfect state of development. But even in an ideal world perfect flow is not expected; trial and error is a part of learning, experience, transforming, creation and discovery. But there is a security; my animal sense of urgency is not dead; when necessary I can act with speed and urgency. I have a degree of comfort with all this; with failure and with success. And I have noticed that, in varying degrees, I have been cultivating all three goals. But this third goal is less definite in its character than the other two. I have an idea and some experience of it but am also evolving toward it, toward a better understanding of it.

Since I first formulated them some years ago, these goals have always been in a state of reformulation and refinement. This process does not mean abandonment of projects; it means that my understanding - of what I am doing, of my life and of all being - is in evolution. A recent reconceptualization is based on three essential stages in the life of an individual or being: (A) Becoming, (B) Being and (C) Decay or Cessation; or simply: birth, life and death. These are essential in that they are regarded as simple and obvious fact; but simple and obvious does not mean trivial because deep and non-obvious consequences may follow from what is obvious. They are also essential in that they follow from a simple process view: "everything is in process"; and in that appeal to particulars such physics, biology, and psychology is not necessary. Additionally, a process view is not only consistent with a view of being(s) as eternal but it is also necessary due to requirements of creation and creativity.

What is the nature of the processes (A), (B) and (C)? What choices exist for the individual, what choices are good, how are good choices made, and what is the nature of choice? Understanding is improved when the relationships of a being are known. Each being goes through the three stages in relation to other beings and all being; and at each stage there is flux and flow within each being and among beings. So, the following is implicit: (A) is constitution and definition, (B) is the coming to fullness of an individual, and (C) is return but not necessarily closure. This is a brief statement, not new of course, with significance for living; I have been exploring this conception for some time.

In my relationships I seek at least consistency with my goals, encouragement is better, sharing is best. Encouragement and sharing are always good; these are particularly important due to the nature of the goals and their current stage of progress - not having a relationship is and will be better than one with consistency but without encouragement and sharing of goals. The requirements of goal (2) may be the most demanding; and I think that goal (3) may be nurturing to a relationship. Sharing does not mean doing everything together; it could be sharing goals, having complementary interests and sharing vision. With the right person this would be good. I want to share these parts of my life, to share my deepest feeling and being...and I feel lonely for this at times. I have wanted to be explicit about this for a few years. It is difficult though because it sounds like I am not caring for the person. But that is not true. I think my vision is beautiful and I would like to share it not impose it. And to not be explicit about it is a recipe for failure, which is not caring. I am able to say this now, to be explicit about what I want because I have a clearer understanding of my goals and of myself and therefore my commitment to the process is firmer and less forced. I do not want to be wanted only for myself or what I might mean for another person but also for shared vision, ambition and goals. That is, my ideal of a relationship is people sharing their lives in and for the world rather than merely for the other. Of course the other is important but living merely for the other is or can be close to living merely for oneself and this kind of relationship is or can be worse than no relationship. This is not to say that no "relationship" is bad; most people can get along with or without one; it is the transitions that are the most trouble. I am not, in myself, committed to having a relationship. Of course, relationships are good and beautiful; but so is all of life. Here, I am partly thinking through my attitude toward relationships. And though a relationship is not necessary it is a positive thing, something that is sometimes felt as a lack: sharing in the beauty of life. I am aware that I am talking in idealistic terms and that relationships involve, also, practical and day-to-day elements. I suppose all this may be obvious but, at least in my experience, it is contrary to the behavior of many people.

I am open to you in the ways described and implied in this letter. I would be thrilled. Your goals and life would be important to me. Of course they are important but this is not currently a practical issue. I am open in the deeper ways... but also to being "just friends".

I have hesitated to write this letter. I would be easier to write news. Quite a bit has happened in three months but the essentials can fit into a paragraph or two.

I spoke to Lou Ann; she is pregnant and I think she is now in New Hampshire with John - I'm sure you know this; we talked about you and that was nice; I enjoyed talking to her - she's warm. I've talked to my daughter Carissa; she's having a hard time at school, she's being rebellious; I talked to her mom and step-dad; they are not enjoying this, Carissa says "You can't make me do anything" and they seem to blame her; I wonder how that could be but say nothing. Carissa looks very Indian even though she is only one quarter Indian; she looks more North Indian than Bengali though there is of course no one way that those peoples look. Her stepfather says she has an exotic beauty. She and I visited my family in London in 1995 but she remained, not unexpectedly, somewhat aloof from me. I feel only love for her. My housemate Sean's father lives in New Zealand; they have had little contact and yet Sean wants to know his father better, perhaps live in New Zealand and this is of course interesting to me. Carissa is going to be fourteen this summer and based on recent interactions I have feelings that she will open up to me though I am not sure when.

I spent a recent morning with a friend and her four year old daughter; my friend and I enjoy talking but this morning her daughter did most of the talking babbling on as four year olds do - as we walked among redwoods with the sunlight filtering through; it was a quite lovely time. The same friend has two other daughters, an on-off thing with a boyfriend, lives in a nice relatively modern house full of comforts and signs of family life; it is another world to me and, though I am welcome there, when I visit I feel a little as though I am in another country. The Indian dinner (November) was a success; I slept one hour the night before; I was very tired; then had flu and secondary infection for total of ten days; felt flat and alone for that period. Early January saw what was reported as one of the worst storms in the history of California; a headline said "100,000 evacuated in Central Valley"; the Mad River flooded homes half a mile way; the road to the beach was washed away. I have been running on the beach two to three miles, three times a week and working out a little with a primitive weight set. I have been not drinking any alcohol and there is an improvement in aerobic capacity but not change in strength; release is fun but not so the effect of alcohol on (my) systems - physiological and psychological including contact with reality or realities. My brother and family are planning to visit in August. Two coworkers and friends died recently, one of a heart attack and the other of a surfing accident; they were my favorite and best Ping-Pong buddies; the scene at work was somber for a while. I am planning to buy a PC to help with writing, research, publication, and contact with the outside world. Meanwhile I have bought a cheap second hand word processor on which I am writing this letter.

What else can I say? A friend at work asked me what I do with my spare time. I answered: drink coffee - you have noticed that I like that, sit in the sun, listen to music, visit with friends at my house or theirs, each friend has his or her own special interests and the interaction goes accordingly and is also influenced by my somewhat cosmic interests but also by my living through and experiencing-enjoying the details all-in-balance, and I cook usually at least once a week, go out to dinner every two-three weeks - usually to a favorite Mexican restaurant and order beans and a flour tortilla, listen to Spanish tapes - Spanish is beautiful and important for living and travelling in N. and S. America, I would also like to improve (learn) my Hindi, occasional movies, got to town to the marsh, to book-music stores, Arcata Coop, Arcata library, Humboldt State library, read, think, write down ideas, thoughts, essays, dreams, write, plan toward my project(s), especially the one project (EDA), run on the beach, do weights, dream about love - unfortunately it is only dreaming currently, go to Cafe Moka sip hot lemonade and talk to people - usually friends - one is a psychologist who mostly tells me about his problems mainly love-lust-romance, go to the brewery with friends, or to the Jambalaya a local live music venue by myself or with friends, it has recently been amusing to look at others from a place of sobriety and I am thinking that sobriety is more real, ride my bike, occasionally test my math-engineering-physics skills, backpacking one-two-three times a year including an annual one month trip, occasional trips to San Francisco but none yet since I saw you, take photographs of this area - I want to build an informal portfolio - the area is such a diverse and beautiful photographic opportunity, go cross-country skiing at least once a year but not so far this year - I'm not good at it (yet)...and sometimes doing nothing is good as in absorb rays look at the blue-green expanse spreading out from our sun-deck...

Sometimes our landlady and neighbor comes over to share the sun, coffee and conversation. She has become a friend, almost family. She is a 76 year old retired M.D. She is very sharp and full of ideas - some of them eccentric. One of her interests was family practice, which she did sort of informally, without setting up an actual practice. She incorporated simple cures, practical advice, human effect in the therapeutic relationship, emphasis on the family, ideas on non-nuclear family some of which are a little eccentric, Christian symbolism, Freudian ideas reinterpreted and enhanced, Pavlovian theory, and environmental medicine. She believes that human behavior, symbols, language, love, needs... are biologically determined. I know that biology is important but do not agree with the determinism. We talk and learn but do not resolve the debate. Of course. It is an ancient philosophical debate. Modern culture is predisposed to biology to the point of making the argument for biology seem obvious. I've toyed and struggled with this issue for years. It is the materialism versus idealism debate. It can be cut through by acknowledging that all modes of perception and description are partial but people do not want to do that and not without good reasons. I have written down some of my thoughts on this topic in my essay on consciousness.

But although this is a list, it is all connected - especially in my heart and mind; it is one thing. And the list does not emphasize the continual, persistent presence and focus on my primary project which is always there and into which the elements of the list become absorbed by noticing connections or by their being part of the experience of a human being-facing-all-of-existence which is the edge-where-I-want-to-be.

An example is music. I listen currently to music of India, Africa, the Middle East, to Latin music, to Indipop, and to some Western music but not as much as in the past. Firstly and always the experience is good, connecting, enjoyed, and random. Then a feeling or a thought happen, I read or hear something, I see a movie or a TV program, a friend provides input - an idea or a musical interest. Then there is integration: the origins of music, the twin abilities of creation and response to music, the nature of music - and of art... I might read someone else's thoughts on these issues... my perception, experience and conception of music grow in parallel and become integrated into my self and experience of self, culture, evolution, world and universe. And conception is important because it can always assist in the process of integration, is useful in communication, and is necessary when the elements being compared or integrated are divergent in nature.

And though music is powerful in itself, from the perspective of my own journey it is an instance of how the elements are experienced and then become an integral part of the journey. Each part is like that: a world unto itself and at the same time fitting into, having interrelations with, effects upon and mirroring the whole. Each part is vital in some way, is part of the core of human experience, and not: in the case of art or religion a mere entertainment for Sundays or evenings; or: in the case of science and technology something merely utilitarian.

One of the guiding ideas behind EDA is that the universe as a whole can be known as a whole without knowing all the details especially the details that fill libraries and universities although some of these details, carefully selected and organized, are useful in one approach which builds up a whole picture from the parts. But the model of development, perhaps the blue-print for the evolution of the universe is not linear; but it is not merely non-linear either - it is also open, random at times, randomness played out upon structure, with the bits picked up here and there and molded into structure and unity and purpose, into meaning where there was none. This evolution is also a story which begins everywhere, anywhere, goes for a tour, a circuit like a hiker on a hike who comes back to the same place but is changed. These are metaphors; some are more metaphorical. But my life is like that: looking for, having, unity, identity and system but also being open to random and multiple sources.

It is good to have a plan. Organization. Structure. Lists. Lists with hierarchies. Hierarchies of hierarchies. Hierarchies based in concepts. Concepts based in the one concept. Living in a measured way. A little of this everyday, a little of that: sleeping, eating, exercise, experience, thinking, joy, pain. The story which begins anywhere and ends everywhere. This is something that I have experienced.

It is also good to not plan. To walk at random in the world; but to not even walk: to wait, to sit, to allow the world come in, and also to sleep amid the coming and going of affairs. To be. Being. Centered and de-centered. Open to chance-opportunity-circumstance. Flowing. Flowing-chaotic. Work scattered around instead of neatly organized. No plan. Plan from within, archetypal, flowing, feeling not symbolic, and not forced. This is part of my experience.

And: without flow, structure is sterile; and, equally, without structure, mere flow is dissipative. This, too, is part of my experience.

And action? Idols were smashed because talk, by itself, is cheap! This is, I think, not enough part of my experience!

Back to my hesitations in writing this letter. They are (1) I might be interested in you for invalid reasons. I hope I am not interested just because I think you will not respond positively. No, I am not teasing, people do that kind of thing. Or as you implied, as a possibility, am I coming from a place of ego-deficit? I did not answer your implied question because I did not and do not see how mere words could provide a real answer for you; you would have to see my actions (and words) and decide for yourself. (2) Rejection. This is always possible. I also remember all your reservations. I am not answering or addressing these reservations in part because I cannot but I want to say that I have not forgotten the reservations and I am not ignoring or minimizing them - I cannot ignore or minimize them... But to reject you must first consider my interest. You might not even do that. You might have said or be saying to yourself that this is not even interesting. (3) You might judge me as being presumptuous or out of line, merely needy, motivated merely by an ego-weakness or deficit, or stupid. (4) Compatibility. There is probably much that I do not know about you and that you do not know about me. (5) I do not want to perturb you. I know that you are strong but you are also sensitive. And you are on your own journey. (6) You might misinterpret what I am saying or asking. I do not think you will but it is possible. I am not asking for or offering any commitment other than saying that my interest is real and that I am open and would like to explore that interest, if you are also interested, when and if conditions realistically permit. (7) Concerns about perturbing my own life-path and quest... and, most scary, (8) You might say, "Yes I'm interested". There would then be some kind of process, the nature of which would depend on the nature of the interest, to begin and sustain.

But these are reasons to pause but not to avoid expressing my deep feeling and openness. One can find out about compatibility, talk about goals. And I probably would not have or express this interest if the connection that I felt had been unilateral or without potential. So, despite your reservations and my hesitations, I do feel that there is an excellent potential... Yes, it is scary to be as explicit and open as I have been or tried to be about my motives and interest in the face of potential rejection, of possible criticism; and also in view of possible acceptance and consequent responsibility.

But there is a time to express a feeling, a hope, a possibility, a desire, an interest... which if not expressed may never be expressed by me and never known to you... and that, not rejection, would be tragic.

Why you? The reasons are simple: the ones expressed earlier - my experience of warmth, intelligence, attractiveness; the connection that I have felt; your intelligence and openness to life and experience; the integrity (honesty) I perceived in you. As a result I like you; I also think there is potential for shared interests and goals.

I used the word "awe" in connection with my project(s) and ambitions and "scary" in connection with you and the twin possibilities of rejection and acceptance. "Scary" and "awe" are interchangeable in their meanings. The combination of ambition and "love" is doubly scary. I am scared. This is and has been a difficult letter to write: to invite someone, a whole human being with whom my connection is as a thread of silk, to a possibly difficult adventure of love and life. This is how I feel at times. At other times the effort and risk seem like a small investment in a large possibility. And the risk is mostly in my imagination; only if you say "yes" would the risk become real; and either way ("yes", "no", "maybe") my life remains a good and powerful thing.

I also want to say about my projects that the work is, though wonderful and exciting in general and as a whole, boring at times - sometimes when focusing on mundane and minor but necessary details; and it is also lonely at times - sometimes when I would prefer company or sunshine or a trip to the river. Sometimes I falter, sometimes I move forward. Sometimes I see the big picture and when the works come together it is great, sometimes I am overwhelmed by the welter of details. Gandhi said something like: when you are searching for light you will spend time groping in darkness. Sometimes the dark is positive because - like a penumbra, the part of a shadow that is neither full light or fully dark - the light gives it meaning. At other times the dark is like the umbra, it is pure dark; one falls back on inner resources. This analogy with physics can be continued in a somewhat silly way into quantum mechanics where there is no pure darkness. I say all this in the interest of openness and sharing... And the idea of work and love, being open to success and failure is both scary and wonderful.

My housemate and I have been listening to Australian Aboriginal music with the space filling, centering, and resonating drone of the aboriginal drone-pipe - the yidaki. The music incorporates nature sounds and totems. But the sound itself is the totem: it fills space and the listeners with its vibration, centers persons with universe in a way beyond or before and below words thoughts and ideas. My neighbor teaches music and one day the sounds of the piano combined with the drone of the drone pipe making an excellent "impromptu" sound.

I was sitting on my sun deck with sun and clear blue sky. It was my day off from work. There was no music except for the occasional cry of the raven. If it were cloudy there might be wild geese. It would be so nice if you were here, near, sharing, being warm in this warmth.

Love is a complex word with many meanings and numerous uses including some manipulative ones. But, I think that this letter together with the context specifies what I mean by "love" and rules out - I hope - the problematic meanings and uses. But still, love is an offering of permanence that there will always be a place for the other in the soul of the self. So what is this place? This is, whatever else it is, a love letter - an offering of openness-friendship-caring-risk. So, while I continue to feel affection and respect, I end with:

Love,