May 26, 1997

Dear Jaysi,

I felt bad that you went through the loss and feeling of loss over your documents, diaries, and books ... hope you recovered equilibrium soon. Yes, it's so easy to give up one's power -- and without noticing it. Someone (Jung?) said that people don't notice the most precious thing (life) slipping away while they fight to hang onto all kinds of trivial things. It's a struggle. Your Indian Journey is so important. I wish you strength and alertness in discovering and following your path, resolving the issues that you've set for yourself.

As for the loss of the "letter" it's not a problem to me so please don't feel at all badly on that account.

Have read parts of a number of J. Krishnamurty books but never a whole one. I admired his clarity of thought but think he repeats a few important themes. The main message I received was "you're on your own kid...and my job is to jolt you into realizing this" - and there's truth to this especially in the areas of growth and self-discovery.

Here are some related observations from my life and experience. I often forget that failure is not Failure, that is, not achieving an objective is not a failure of the person; and that failure and success are inextricably interwoven: being open to one needs being open to the other. And of course there is a plane on which failure and success are "imposters"... Experience of loneliness and continuing on with hopes and ambitions has led, among other things, to an appreciation and enjoyment of aloneness as a good and delicious thing. This does not mean that I do not enjoy, need or want friendship, animal and spiritual love and sharing... I need to balance activity and doing with rest, emptiness and receptivity... I spend, perhaps, too much time preparing rather than doing... That, sometimes, going for a goal is important even when I feel unprepared and ill equipped for it - that doubts do not mean lack of ability... That despite the realistic idea that I have limits: even if this idea is true, I have no final knowledge of what my real limits are.

If I've learnt anything its partly because I've wanted to but at least equally because life is a good teacher. It's an ongoing and incomplete process. That's good though; means I'm still alive. I share my experience not at all as advice - most advice giving is presumptions - but because it seems to relate to your present experience.

I noticed your comment "many times I wish you weren't 50...I like you anyway." Does that mean we're friends? I like you too! And my heart is with you on your journey... and in relation to the loneliness/love/partner thing. I wish I were there to give you a hug and rub your feet when they are tired from the exertions of the day.

PS to the previous paragraph: I'll be 50 on September 27 and am not totally looking forward to it. Friends have been saying "I want to be like Anil when I'm old." The intimations of finitude remind me that, even though the universe and I (and you) are ultimately one, there are still that things I want to do with this life and that I can't pretend that I have forever to do them. I was 27 when I had my first teaching job and remember thinking that I did not want to be like my 50 years old colleagues. 50 seemed like the worst age to be. Fat. Bald. Pompous. Old enough to be old but not old enough to be distinguished. Still paying off the old mortgage. Heart attacks... I planned to really enjoy my life until I was 51 and then go into the mountains to die. But I don't feel that way now. I hope to be enjoying myself on my birthday during my annual month long trip to the mountains. My friend Sean - we did the Indian dinner together - is threatening to have a big party when I come out.

Oh! The Indian dinner last fall was wonderful. Some glitches due to my cooking skills being rusty and the stoves being electric with two settings: high and off. Dal got burnt - just a little. But the pulao, the lamb and the beef and the raita and the other food drew raves. Americans are generous with praise. People dressed up. Dr. Shaktman wore a sari. We served wine and beer too. And the ambience - Sean worked on that - was very nice. Was totally spent - slept 1.5 hrs the night before. But it was a memorable evening.

You're inundated with Indian things. Food. Music. Sounds. Heat. People. Modern, traditional and ancient India. Is it good? I don't eat the stodgy, overcooked, cholesterol laden hospital food anymore. Cook my own, invariably Indian in kind or in style, and take it in to work.

My email address is anil5462@aol.com - nowhere near as nifty as yours, Jypsy.

I would have emailed this letter to but I wanted to use my system's word processor. It's way smarter than I am and almost as obnoxious. It doesn't recognize "Bald." above as a sentence and so it's underlined on the screen with a green squiggly line. When it gets really pissed it starts underlining in red. It recognized my email address as an email address and it automatically underlined it and colored it blue on the screen and that's how it would appear on this page if the printer had color. In truth I have just begun to explore the power of Microsoft Word. Oops the hard drive just got excited over the word "Microsoft" and went through some audible gyrations - probably the computer equivalent of sex. And, Word can prepare documents with hyperlinks and, I think, WWW ready. For practice, I imported and edited the "art" on these pages from a clip art library using Word.

It seemed that you miss LuAnn. And I thought it would be nice to talk to her anyway and Sunday was a nice warm sun filled day. So I called her. She's still in New Hampshire, with John. They're still together. That's the brave, hopeful thing but she says that John is doing much better in the areas of communication and feeling. They were planning to come back to California for the birth - expected to be in the 2nd week of June, I think, but decided to stay to be with her midwife. LuAnn is now regretting that decision. I gave her some of your news. Yes I like her, too. She doesn't mind telling me when I say something silly or inaccurate. She likes you too. Wow! What a happy family we are. What was she doing in England? She was visiting her sister and sister's family. Her sister's husband is an academic on some kind of fellowship for a year. They were just 30 mi. SW of where my family lives in London. I gave her your email address and told her she could still write c/o your grandfather.

Summer has begun and the weather has been lovely. Mmm. Along with the good weather comes hay fever for me. My roommate left and I have the place to myself for the summer. I'm going to enjoy that. It is quite delicious at times to have this space to myself.

The ultimate. Yes! I started out as a child full of wonder. My mom says I was way curious but that could be the doting mom thing. Mostly my mom and I had a great relationship - we enjoyed each other's company. Then I went through this scientific period. Good thing, though, wonder wasn't squelched. Then many years of thinking, feeling, experience, slowly widening horizons. Occasional jolts though. Reading Nietzsche helped to sharpen my criticism of commonly accepted truth; that was one jolt. Finally, where I am now is not so much that science, for example, is limited but that things aren't that neatly compartmentalized: concepts, ideas, awareness, reality are fluid even when concrete. "To see a mountain as a slowly flowing river and a river as a rapidly eroding mountain." Science and not-science do not have the absolute boundaries that are frequently assigned to them. Anil and not-Anil, as the ancient texts remind me, are not distinct. I want to experience and feel that identity - the union or unity superposed on "top of" the (sense of) discreteness. Being in nature and the discovery of my own consciousness are a part of that experience.

I have mapped out an entire, ongoing and adaptively developing system of experiences in relation to learning and becoming. "Adaptively developing," means that, although there is a program, it is flexible and itself - in it's parts, in it's entirety and in it's being - open to experience, to learning, and to processing. The experiences, the writing and being alive are the three goals that I have set for myself. The first two goals are relatively focused but the third goal, being alive, is an open flowing thing and includes perception, love, and pain. Somehow the whole must be self-consistent... "Do I ever feel caught between myself and the world?" Yes! Finiteness remains a challenge. I know I'm identical to the hum-sound but being myself is still difficult.

In fact, currently, at work it's a pain! The immediate supervisor is obliquely dictatorial, a relatively competent nurse, but a very poor leader - we cover for her but get criticized. I feel demeaned. I decided to speak to her - she listened but didn't hear. It's stressful. I might speak to the administration. Everyone is feeling impacted. Motivation to move on. Moving on could be a new job and/or a new place. Considerations are my "quest," happiness, living in a beautiful place and money. Millions cannot even think of such choices. I've set myself a deadline. 18 months if I don't find anything by then. Will I eat my words? We'll see.

Transitions can be difficult. Getting the computer was not. It was like having a new girl friend. I wanted to spend all my time with the thing. The new transition is this. I had some interesting ideas for how to use the software to play with ideas and concepts. The analogy is roughly between the fluidity of concepts plus the way they may be arranged into groups and the way files and sub-files, and text and sub-text, can be imported, organized and reorganized in Windows 95 and in Microsoft Office. Doing it is going to be work. And there's a lot of mundane stuff that's necessary. Nose to the grindstone. Back to the salt mines.

So I'm tender hearted? I thought I was expressing myself in a not mushy way. And there were good reasons for what I said and how I said it. But I'm not complaining. I was happy to get and read your letter. It came quicker than the previous one. I was surprised - pleasantly.

You are in my mind very acutely while I write. I don't want to stop writing. But it's 2:30 am. Will I have good dreams tonight? I'm so sorry you lost your dream diary. I write down my dreams when they seem significant to me. Like music, dreams are full. I don't usually "interpret" my dreams. That is I don't seek some meaning that is hidden or not obvious. Oh! I have a question. You must have had some psychology/psychoanalysis/psychiatry... in school. Is this useful in your personal life? Back to dreams. The dream is sometimes its own meaning, I think. I read Black Elk Speaks. Are you familiar with that book? It is the beautiful story of Black Elk, a Sioux "shaman" who lived during the destruction of the Plains Indians' way of life. The Sioux would act out their dreams in life... I once had a very significant dream about my quest. I've had a number of dreams about music. One time I was singing something most beautiful and haunting and intricate. It was an original composition. The composition and the performance were way beyond what I think/thought myself to be capable. I woke up in a magical mood. That mood, in itself, was a meaning of the dream and points to a kind of meaning of dreams in general: dream affects life. But what was the significance of the power of the dream-music? Does it mean that people have untapped potential - this is a meaning that I prefer. At least I know I have the capacity to feel and experience beauty in my sleep. But what is the source of this beauty which when I'm awake seems to need an external object and which when I'm asleep is not or seems to not be completely under my control? Or is dream/hallucination explained psychoanalytically and somewhat predicated upon an assumption of incomplete control over dreaming and dream content -- the projection of my desires and so on? And if it is projection/illusion then what is the significance of the affect - in this case the affective state and its consequences which include behavior and thought and dream concepts - upon waking and in "waking life."

I wish I were sitting in your presence.

Love, laughter, cool breeze in the evening and bright stars at night!

Anil