First written: December 18, 1998

Printed: April 18, 2001

Dear Mum and Dad,

I am writing to explain an important aspect of my life - perhaps the most important part… but I will keep this letter short and not try to explain everything. One reason is to explain why it is difficult for me visit you now. You have been asking about this and, because it makes me feel unkind and sad, I have been avoiding a direct answer… but this is unfair. The second reason for writing is that I feel that Dad continues to see my life as negative in some ways. This is a source of negativism in my life, a burden…but I want to explain - not criticize or complain. I would like it if you were to see my life in what I believe to be the correct light but am not making any demand. The most important thing is that you know my feelings and views on my own life and you that I love you…and that does not mean that there should be any doubt as to the presence of love. I am not at all saying that all I see is negative. I know that you have done many excellent things for Robin and me, and that you have always loved us…and that you devoted much of your life to your beliefs. But, still, it is disappointing that you do not appear to have positively seen or acknowledged what I am doing. A third reason to explain my life situation is, simply, to share my thoughts and feelings with you.

One way in which people lead diminished lives is in the belief that they should sacrifice their own interest because it is selfish. That is not good thinking.

If an individual approaches life intelligently then what it is right to do and what one wants to do are or become the same. If the entire realm of life sprung from the same universe, why should individual interest necessarily be different from the group interest?

That is a principle according to which I believe I am living my life - it is the best I can do, I love it…and I believe that it is the greatest any individual can do. If anything is important, it is, I believe, to live this way. It is a great and wonderful adventure…but not easy. There are inner and external obstacles and difficulties - minute and intimidating. I am not trying to describe some grim dedication. I enjoy every day. However, the magnitude of the task is great. All my resources - not just money - and all systems are dedicated to my mission.

What is this mission? It has grown over the years, there are aspects to it, but it is knowing the relationship between an individual and the universe. Knowing is not merely an academic study; it is also what one becomes. It is not all one grand thought. Experience and exploration are a part. The small parts of the world, other people, societies are a part. I am trying to say, I think, that although my ambition is large, it necessarily includes what is "ordinary and everyday." I wrote in my birthday letter to Mum of my belief that the fundamental truths are few and follow from common experience. Although this idea of common experience is not perfectly well defined, one thing I mean is that sophisticated science and intricate philosophy may be used but are not necessary.

I am not implying that my life or way is superior to other ways of living. There is more than one way to live. One can live inside the cradle of society, climb the ladder of its institutions - or one can live outside the "cradle." One way provides stability and basic needs. The other provides for change and understanding of the nature of society, human being and their relation to the world. Both are necessary. And so on. And, just as I do not presume to judge others, I do not extend to anyone else the right or acknowledge any ultimate ability to know or judge me. I do not want anyone to worry about me for that implies they think I have made poor choices or because they think my life is or may be hard. I do not extend to anyone else the right or acknowledge any ability to evaluate my choices or to judge my thinking ability to negotiate future events… or to change or try to change me or what I do. If other persons think they can think about these things better than I can, they are mistaken. This does not mean that I think others will stop judging - positively or negatively - just because I have this position. I do, however, believe that my life and my way is the very highest but that is in relation to the potential and not a comparison with anyone else - it is a statement about my relation with the world and the universe. There is simply no other way for me to do it; I have chosen the way which is best - not by comparison but because there is no other.

Not presuming to judge does not mean an absence of judgement. Presuming to judge, here, means the act of judgement and the assumption that I am in some privileged position to render judgements. But the very fact of being alive and having ideas and devoting my energy in certain ways implies or may be taken to imply kinds of judgements. And, as a human being it is probably quite impossible to not judge; and quite important to make practical judgements on a day to day basis…but these are necessary to make choices and to act, are not final in and of themselves.

Although the process is wonderful I have sacrificed much for my ideals and goals. It is not just money, love, position…it is my life. It has become this way. I could be happy in other easier ways. The basic truths that I want to know - I more or less know. My work amounts to further experience, elaboration, confirmation, communication and connection with the modern world - ways of thinking and seeing, general, academic, and science. Inspiration is not like a cup of tea on a Sunday picnic - it is sweat and blood and shivering. Who or what, then, is it all for? It is my contribution to the world! All my resources are dedicated - every day…even in the mountains where I find health, ideas and inspiration that guide my work throughout the year.

As a result it is very difficult to visit you now. This is in itself sad for we are of the same blood. I feel the connection every day. This is why I stated above my belief in what I called my mission…so do not see my situation as in any way lessening your place in my thoughts and heart. While the situation has sadness I hope that you can be happy - and proud - of the dedication of my life…and that we can remember the love that we do have and that we can talk often.

As I write it is a bitterly cold morning but I am acclimatizing to the cold. I am listening to some beautiful music. I am happy. Yet I wish others I love were sharing this enjoyment. Being fully alive means being aware of the good and the bad, "enjoying" both and continuing to live out ones life as it is right and good to do.

Love,